Next time...

you visit here I will have a gorgeous new header and look, designed by the fabulous and patient Franchesca from Small Bird Studios. Fran has been so wonderful to work with and listened to every little request I had, which was many given I had no idea what I really wanted - only that it needed a desperate facelift. No problem or issue was ever too much of a hassle for her and she was graceful and kind the whole way through. I think you'll agree, once you see it, she's done a fantastic job and it captures what Tuesday's Hope is all about so perfectly.

I don't really know what prompted me to change the look of the blog, as that has been one thing I've been steadfast on for a long time - that it stayed exactly the way it was. But nothing stays the same, everything changes and my life has certainly changed since Carly and I created the look of my blog almost four years ago to the day. Way back then, it was all for her and it was really all I had, but life has flourished since then and while I still ache for her, I thought it was only fair the blog got some much needed TLC.

I think more than anything, I was hoping a new look would lure me back here to write more, as I am a writer, and I feel I am losing my craft a little while I (sometimes) lose my mind at home caring for two small people. This is probably just a spring clean, if anything, and it feels good, because the look of the blog is very much stuck in 2008. It is tired, it is neglected and while I try and nurture myself more these days, I may as well try and nurture this space, the sacred space I created for her.

I don't know why I think I will write here more, as I don't know how much more I have to say, but I have come to realise that it doesn't all have to be about Hope. Because no matter what or who I am writing about, it is about her anyway as her life and death has melded it's way in to every single thing I do.

Life is a tad crazy here. The days are getting longer but my free time is getting more sparse as I chase two fully fledged toddlers around. Though as Juliet surges in to toddlerhood, I guess Angus is heading for preschoolerhood as we prepare him for two mornings away at three year old kinder next year. Scary and relieving and terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. He needs this, I need this and I know we're both going to get so much out of it.

I have been doing bits and pieces of work, playing netball again and exercising in every spare moment I have - and I feel bloody fantastic, inside and out. It has been a long time since I have been able to say that.

I am training for my first ever fun run in a few weeks which is such a huge feat for me, as I've never really been one to run, unless perhaps I was being chased. When the training began it felt impossible, like I'd never be able to do it, but with just a few weeks to go, I know I will be able to do this, and do it easily. I'm already thinking about a 10km next year, as well as a 100km bike ride, given I just won myself a brand new bike! Things in life can seem hard, insurmountable even, but when you've lived what I have (what many of us have) running for half an hour straight or riding your bike from Melbourne to Frankston and back are nothing, really. It feels good to set myself these physical challenges. Obviously the biggest physical challenge of my life to date was getting her body out of mine, so nothing else really compares, but it is good to push myself.

I have watched so many people participate in different infant loss awareness activities this month, and while I would normally love to take part in such things, this year I have needed some space from it all. August hit me hard, then the Fairy Tales for Hope project came about (find us on Facbook here, order a print here!) and once September and spring rolled around, a much-needed lightness came. I haven't been able to dip my toes back in to the darkness, sadness and grief again - it was heavy enough in August. I have needed to stay on top of my emotions for now and not wallow too much, as I know once summer is over, another new year starts and the seasons change all over again, I will no doubt find myself slipping. That's hardly positive thinking right there, but I'm nothing if not honest. I have a fair idea what sort of havoc August will wreak now and for the foreseeable future, I don't see that changing too much.

So for now I sign off and wait patiently for Fran to get the new look up and running. I hope you've enjoyed reading here with this blog the way it has been for all of these years but for now, goodbye and see you after the revamp.