I feel a bit worn down and defeated by motherhood and just life in general at the moment. God I worked so bloody hard to get here, but the monotony and almost three year olds and babies who do not want to be more than 30cm from you at all times, day and night, is all starting to wear me down.
I don't often post here or anywhere about sleep woes, toddler tantrums, clingy babies and general live baby raising ups and downs, but today I have to go there. On Facebook, it is all about my happy happy kids doing happy happy shit at happy happy places and while life is truly like that from time to time, it is obviously not always the case. I know that it is probably the same for everyone, but I felt the need to blog out this little disclaimer, as life on the other side of the rainbow isn't always bright and happy, even though I know I'm super blessed and lucky and all of those other wonderful things.
I have myself one "angel" baby and make no mistake about it, the other two are clearly not. And I say that with no disrespect to my little cherubs, as I love how strong willed, independent and feisty they are, but it can make this parenting caper a tough gig. And this is all I ever wanted, to raise small people in to well functioning big people, no matter how hard it was, no matter what I had to do to get here. Every day I wonder if I'm doing a good job. I can say that most of the time I am doing my best, but that the working conditions here in my tiny humble abode which doubles as my unpaid place of employment are not always ideal.
I have been home for more than four years, and all I did for the first 15 months of that time was mope and feel sorry for myself, as well as try not to completely lose my mind while I was pregnant with Angus. Then he arrived and my life exploded in the best and craziest possible way and then 21 months later, Juliet showed up and I very much had to re-evaluate what it meant to be busy.
Now with the two of them on the go, (and I mean go, go, go) I feel like I am losing my mind a bit and losing any sense of who I was. I'm tired. I'm worn down. I absolutely understand why some people chose to go back to work, even if they don't really need the money.
And we do need the money. I used to earn a good wage, a really good wage. And there has only been a handful of decent paying freelance jobs since I left my job in July of 2008. Simon's wage is modest at best and we are struggling. We live in a tiny two bedroom home and we are bursting at the seams but upgrading is soooo not even a financial option right now. I guess the easy solution would be for me to get a job, but that doesn't solve all of our problems either, as we have no real childcare options outside of paid childcare and that is just so super expensive for two kids, it would hardly be worth my while. And there is not a chance in hell I'd walk back in to another high paying job after so long out of the work force, and nor would I want to as that sort of stress is definitely something I don't need in my life again. I just feel like we're at this stalemate. I'm working so hard on my physical self these days, trying to rebuild and strengthen the baby carrying and feeding vessel this body has been for the past five years, but mentally everything is piling up again, and money woes never help. And let's not also forget, I have huge hang ups about childcare anyway, and hey I know most people do when they have to use it, but I just don't know how I feel about leaving my babies with people I don't know. I am in no way judging those who do, whether by necessity or choice, for me it just makes my skin crawl.
August was hard, but I got through it. I somehow always do. And right now, I'm in the golden months for my grief. It eases a bit as her birthday passes spring hits and as we wind down to Christmas. I love the summer, I love the heat and I love the time we spend away with family. But as grief and stress so often do, they sneak up on you and smack you down from the rear, when you least expect it. And maybe it is that I'm thinking about Christmas, which I'll admit is not my most favourite day of the year, with only two out of three kids present, or maybe it is the money woes, or maybe it is the kids driving me a bit batty, or just a combination of the three, but I want to run away from it all. I want a break, I want off the ride for a little while, which is so ironic for me to say as this time four years ago, it was the grief ride I wanted off, and this was the ride I was so desperately trying to get on. I was like the little kid at the carnival, not quite tall enough to meet the height restriction for the ride, and I had myself the biggest tantrum and pity party because of it. And now here I am, having myself another one to get off for a while.
My start to motherhood was anything but ideal, that's obvious. And every day I worry about the starts I gave Angus and Juliet to life, with the stress and anxiety I no doubt pumped in to their tiny unborn bodies. I often blame myself for their determined and spirited little personalities, and blame the aforementioned stress and anxiety for some of their behaviours. And I feel guilt and I feel shame for even thinking those things as well as typing them just now and I try and tell myself that maybe all of this is just normal, as well as my reactions, and it has nothing to do with grief and loss and dead babies and catastrophic ends to first pregnancies but it seems the less likely option. It all ties back to Hope and the fact she's not here.
What is normal, who is really to say, but I feel like I don't have normal reactions like normal parents to certain situations, because of what I've been through. And it gets me down. I not only want to know what she might have been like, but I want to know what life might have been like. I wish someone could tell me to relax and snap out of it and that this is just life, this is just parenthood, but I doubt I'd believe them anyway, as I know in my heart that Hope's death colours everything, and not always in a good way. The guilt and gratitude snowball is this overbearing force to be reckoned with in my life.
Simon came home early today after I rang him in a tizz, at my wit's end with how to proceed with parenting for the day. I slipped out the door as he slipped in and then ran out my frustration on the treadmill. I then came home to a meal prepared, in time to put the kids to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and feeling this down can only mean one thing - that you have to head up.
I am ok and we're all ok. It is just that life is hard and parenting is relentless and sometimes I wish we could be cut a break, because wasn't pushing out a dead baby enough trauma for one family to endure?
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Sally, I just want to say that I think everything you've written here is totally normal and totally understandable. I know the guilt that comes with not enjoying every single second of the parenthood I begged and cried and wailed for. It seems to make all the normal parenthood complaints feel like a bunch of selfish whining when faced with the alternative we've gone through. But you know, parenthood is just sometimes so hard, both for us babyloss parents and those who haven't had a drop of loss and we ought to be able to talk about it just like they do. It's hard though and I often feel ungrateful when I let a complaint slide off my lips.
ReplyDeleteStanding with you mama, knowing that sometimes parenting is just plain hard, no matter what has or hasn't come before. xx
Yes, pushing out a dead baby should have been enough, but it's not and for some reason the hits just keep on coming :(
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, I don't "go there" on FB because I feel like I don't get to complain about the sleepless nights or how Mason was a terrible awful no good very bad baby for the first 5 months and how I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there because I'm only supposed to be grateful and other parents can't understand that at the root of my complaints IS an understanding at how freaking lucky I am even if I miss my girl so much every second and my boy is driving me crazy.
Things (for the moment) are good now with Mason, but I know at some point they will get hairy again and after all its impossible to compete with the perfection that we dream of would have been with our firsts.
I know we have this place to vent instead of FB, but I feel stunted here too as I don't want to hurt fellow blm who haven't or can't get pregnant again. I'm so glad you wrote this. It makes me feel less alone. I think I am almost to the place where I can write some of this same truth because I really need to.
I'm glad Simon was able to give you that break to "run it out"...I wish you could have more or that money wasn't a factor in your worrying. Freaking money...it really does have SO much power. Hugs to you, I know you KNOW it could be worse, but can't we just have a little of that normal that was stolen from us and complain like normal patents?!? Xxxooo
So true... Every last word... And I totally here you. I'm in that place a lot too. And, when you are the stay at home parent it is so tough because there's nowhere to go at times when you really just need a moment to breathe.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs, sending love, and understanding.
I can completely relate. Being home is hard, and I don't think people totally get that. I mean, I know, boo hoo poor me, I get to spend all day with my kids.
ReplyDeleteBut it does get rough--especially if you're someone like me, and I suspect like you, who used to thrive on adult interactions and feeling more productive than just getting all the diapers changed and dinner made.
I hear you. I am grateful, so very much so, but also frustrated, often. I get you.
xo
You know I cried my eyes out about leaving my baby in daycare, with ladies I don't know, even though they appear to be the kindest, most patient, most lovely caregivers possible. It pangs my heart to leave her there each day, and yet I love the break. Not that my job is always lovely or ideal--there are parts of it I dislike very much. But in a funny way, work is a break from parenting and parenting is a break from work and although the combination it leaves me completely drained by the end of the day, I know that if I had full days dedicated to either one or the other, I'd feel much the same way.
ReplyDeleteWhich is to say, yes, parenting is exhausting, even if you have gratitude coming out your ears. And two is undoubtedly harder than one, even if they are so desperately wanted and loved.
And money woes are f*cking stressful.
You are so allowed to voice your worries as much as your joys. No one here will think that you're not grateful enough.
I'm glad Simon was able to give you the break you needed. I'm glad you're having the "typical" SAHM mom experience, after everything you've been through, and I'm so glad you are able to be honest and open about it.
Sally, I think we're allowed to complain b/c this parenting thing is hard work. And yes, it is what we wanted, what we ached for, and we are grateful, BUT...damn it, it is ok to have some moments where they drive you nuts and you need a break. That is human. And I love you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou know I go there on FB. I tend to let it all go all the time; that's just me - an open book. I think it's good you've let it go here. I think you needed to release some of your anxiety and stress. Parenting is hard. Money woes are SO stressful, they just eat at your brain. And yes, that last bit: pushing out a dead baby should have been enough. You have been through it the last few years. It makes sense that you would want a break, a moment where you could step off the ride and breathe. I appreciate your wisdom and honesty.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I've done 18 months at home and am in the same place - word for word. Just without the fitness aspect!
ReplyDeleteI hate myself for even writing this, but my kids are comparatively easy and I still feel the same way!
The only thing I've come up with is that it just goes in phases and this one will transform into something different.
I can feel only a percentage of this truth now with one, but we're contemplating the timeline for our third. One and three? Yeah, dead baby math.
ReplyDeleteYou're allowed to go there and I'm glad you did. We're living such a different reality than we thought we would be...
I can relate to everything you wrote. I've BTDT and have the drawers full of t-shirts. :)
ReplyDeleteMy time as a SAHM is winding down. By February, LM will be in PP and so in school five full days a week. I will be out of a day job and apparently changing my title. I will still be a mother, yes, but not a stay-at-home mom because who am I staying at home looking after when both kids have grown up and gone off to school?
It seems to have gone by so fast, those years. Especially once LM got potty trained and off to Kindy and I was like, "Huh, that was our last baby." That whole phase of our lives was over and done with.
I think about what it will be like next year when I close the door behind me that first February morning to a quiet house. Did I value those days enough? Did I play with them enough? When I try to look back, I remember in between the tea parties and cuddles on the sofa watching DVDs, there was also a lot of boredom, frustration, and just plain tiredness.
The last month or so it hit me when going out that soon I wouldn't have LM with me anymore on my daily errands and shopping trips. And all those times I wished that I could just be on my own and pop into the shops without the hassle of dragging kids along, well, I finally will get my wish.
We've also been living on a very modest income. I didn't want to work and do the childcare thing while they were young for some of the reasons you mentioned. Now, with them at school, I have the opportunity to really find some decent regular p/t work and bring in some extra money. My next course starts in February too and even if we had the money for me to study full-time, I think I'd still go the part-time route so that I can have those extra hours for working and for the kids...perhaps Naya will be interested in after school activities next year. My life is gradually changing and evolving; my daytime hours (well, between 8:30 and 3:15, lol) will be my own for the first time in eight years.
Take time for yourself, when you can eke it out of the day, even just a half hour or hour. The exercise thing works wonders for my mood, I've discovered. It's probably just as important for me mentally as physically.
As for the start you gave them, you gave them an awesome start, prenatally and in all the months and years after they came along. I can understand exactly what you mean though. I still feel responsible when we got the news about Naya's missing tooth--that because we got pg with her so quickly after C.'s death, my body hadn't had time to build up its stores again, be at its optimum levels. But I think we both did the best we could and our kids are fine. It's the nature of moms to feel guilt for something or other.
((HUGS)) xo
Being a mom is hard. Being a mom with a dead baby is harder. At least it has been for me. It is hard feeling like I can't complain because I am supposed to be eternally grateful for what I do have (which, of course, of course, I am). But, having a dead baby didn't make me a saint, didn't make me a perfect mother; it does contribute a deeper burden of guilt though, I think, because somehow that expectation of saintliness persists. It's good to get it out, Sally, wherever you feel safe. You are doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteI get this. I do... I don't go there often even with myself. I have a hard time complaining about any of it. I'm worried that the universe might hear a tidbit of complaint and relieve me of the instigators. My thoughts may not have this type of power. But I still worry about manifestation. I wouldn't complain of FB it's too trivial a place and people don't "understand"....
ReplyDeleteMoney whoa's are challenging. I still owe a bucket Load to the federal government for funding my graduate degree. I work part time to repay thus debt because really I want to be at home with my children. I always say it's wirth every penny I'm not making to be home with them. But bit having a lot of money is still difficult regardless of the intent behind the action.
Sending good vibes of peace and calm and moments to yourself. Yours a person too. Not just a mama and sometimes that's forgotten.
I always feel my life is very much like yours - just a few years behind.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment I sadly only have one of my little boys to raise... and it is hard work at times. But I constantly wonder how it would be with two... Would I cope? How would I manage?
We have been thinking about if / when we might be so bold as to think about having a third... or whether I go back to work for a while. Neither of us want me to go back... But money - sadly money has a part to play in our decision making. Plus, I see friends and family with more than one... I see the struggle, I hear resentment sometimes... and I don't want that to be me. Like you, I feel an overwhelming gratitude for having Hugo here, and whilst I have my difficulties, and I do moan (secretly, to John) sometimes, my gratitude overrides everything. Like so many have already said here, I don't let my mind go there too often - I feel I wanted this too badly to ever have a bad moment. I realise how ridiculous that is as I write it, but I can't help it. I think it's as Renel says - fear that he might be taken away too if I'm not constantly grateful and happy.
Nodding along to everything you wrote. I feel you, with you and for you. xoxo
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