How did I get to the second trimester already? Where did the time go? All those weeks of intense fear and worry. How did I make it to this point?
And how can another season have passed? How on earth can it be winter already? Where did spring go? Summer? And the autumn? What is happening with time?
Last year, for the first time in my life, I looked forward to winter. I hate the cold normally, but in 2008 I was counting down the seconds until it arrived, as I would be having a winter baby. Whether she was late or early, she was always going to be born in winter. My winter babe. My beautiful little girl. She'd be the reason I'd finally enjoy winter. She would bring warmth to our chilly days. She would give me a reason to always look forward to winter. My beautiful winter babe. Our little girl.
So now I have made it all the way to winter 2009. A whole year has passed between the time last year when I was so full of excitement and expectation. When my belly was full and round. When my life was as perfect as I could have ever hoped. Who knew that time in my life would have been the best time in my life? So now I don't have my winter girl. And I wont have a winter baby this year. I have to wait another season. I have to wait for spring. I always seem to be waiting these days, but at least now I have something exciting to wait for again. Even if I have to wait longer than I would have liked. I am so sick of waiting even though I know, just how lucky I really am.
Time certainly is strange these days. Sometimes it feels as if time has stood still and that I'm stuck at the time of her death and birth reliving it over and over and over. Other times, I can't believe where it went. Like today. Winter - tell me it isn't so? How did that happen?
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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God, you've written my exactly feelings in tis post. So much happens in a year, things seem to move so quickly, and yet you feel frozen by grief at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI've only got 3 weeks to go until I'll be induced, and with hindsight it feels as if this pregnancy has gone in a flash, yet today has just crawled along and I expect te next 3 weeks will feel agonisingly slow.
I really hope the next trimester just flies by for you Sal.
Lots of love xxx
Yes, time moves so fast, yet so slow... thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWow, 2nd trimester already!
ReplyDeleteLucky and unlucky, happy and sad. I never thought these states could exist side by side.
Hang on Sal
xxx
Welcome month of June!
ReplyDeleteI know, time is the strangest thing. It blinks and drags all at once.
In twenty years, these pregnancies will seem like a fleeting moment in memory. Hard to believe now.
No kidding, it's bizarre that it will be 10 months since I lost Sam. Grief does strange things to our perception of time, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteThere have been other times in my life where it seems like time is moving strangely, but never so much so as after we lost Teddy.
ReplyDeleteI hope that winter is kind to you this year.
amen sister... i still dont know where my first trimester went or how it is summer here already...
ReplyDeleteYou are somewhere between the slow motion of loss and the fast forward of desire. "Bittersweet"
ReplyDelete(These words came to me for you but I think that I will put them on my blog as a personal quote.)
After I get past the idea that it is WINTER where you are........I totally hear you.
ReplyDeleteI say the words out loud, "Emma would be eight" then I check myself to be sure, for it doesn't seem possible!
Your pregancy is going by minute by minute, but grief doesn't always play by the rules.
I completely understand. I am not a fan of waiting. It is all I have been doing since I lost Lia Rose in January. She was due this week and I am tired of waiting. We are now able to try again, but it still leads to more waiting.
ReplyDeleteTime is a funny thing. Sometimes I think that January seems like it was years ago and sometimes I can't believe how fast time has gone.
time sure is a weird and funny thing. it no longer is a linear thing to me.
ReplyDeletethinking of you, sweet mama.
I know exactly how you're feeling. Time stands still, and you're stuck in the point where your baby died, and you don't want to move along with the rest of the world. And you blink, and bam! you look around and the world has gone on and you now have to catch up.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you're in your second trimester already. Wow.
xoxo
sally, time has been so very bizarre for me as well. it's like it's stood still, frozen in grief, while life moves on for everyone else, babies born and getting older. it's been so strange...and no over here another summer...i am often looking back to last spring and summer, just as you are with last winter...
ReplyDeletei'm just so glad you have something to wait for and look forward too.
sending you love
xoxo
1 trimester down!
ReplyDeleteive stopped paying attention to time. kinda. ok, i am trying to.
Enjoy the time with this little one growing healthy and strong inside you. Before you know it, it will be the third trimester, and then the time when s/he will be in your arms... And believe me, even with a healthy living child, it is easy to miss those times when they were inside. :)
ReplyDeleteSo much how I feel, I can't believe it's been 4 months, and I can't believe it's only been 4 months. Time is such a different concept now than it was before, everything divided into 'before' and 'since'.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you and your quickly growing blossom! xo
Time never ceases to amaze and confuse me. How are we where we are but somedays feel we are in that room with our babies. Too odd to understand...
ReplyDeleteSending you love. xxx
Guess what! I tagged you in a meme!
ReplyDeleteExactly.
ReplyDeleteAnd congratulations on entering Trimester Two. Thinking of you as you hold all these times and milestones together, head and heart.
As your heart aches through the seasons... your wisdom grows, and your soul ages. Wisdom is born through pain... and she will always be the source of your wisdom, she will always be the twinkle in your eye.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your second trimester! It's been almost 2 years now since we lost our son. Time just plays tricks with your mind. Sometimes it still seems like yesterday. Of course, I have lost 3 other babies since then, but nothing stops time like a full term stillbirth that's for sure. Pregnancy after stillbirth and loss is so hard, I know. I'm currently hoping 7th time's a charm. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to stop by and thank you for posting on my blog. Imagine my surprise when I looked at your profile and found you are due on my due date for Calvin and Georgia. We had our babes Nov. 10 at exactly thirty-seven weeks. Thanks for being gentle on me at the Glow, I meant no offense. Hugging you.
ReplyDeleteYes, the waiting stinks. It takes entirely too long to grow a baby. I keep telling Chris that I'm 17 months pregnant.
ReplyDelete