My poor old tortured body.
So confused after the trauma and calamity that occurred last August, it was still producing tiny droplets of milk for a baby who never lived up until about November.
In this country, we are given a pill when the curse of stillbirth strikes. So after I had been leaking small amounts of liquid gold since about week 25 with Hope, all of a sudden my milk would be no more, despite the fact my hormones were raging to make it happen.
I wish there had of been a pill to have made so much of it go away, but this little tiny pill was cruel. Just one pill. Just one tiny pill, and everything that could have been and should have been, was gone. And it sent my hormones in to a tailspin. I am grateful in a way I did not have to go through the physical and emotional trauma of having my milk come rushing in, but it was sad to never get to see my body do it. I'd been so desperate to feed and nurture my baby. To me it seemed like the most exciting part. That I could make the baby (well, I played a very large part), carry the baby, birth the baby then feed the baby. Incredible.
In November, when my milk finally did disappear, I was so sad. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. I really didn't have my baby. And I really wasn't pregnant again. I felt so damn empty.
Now, almost 18 weeks in to this pregnancy, it is happening again. There is milk. My poor old tortured boy; it is working so hard. All it wants to do is feed a baby. All I want to do is feed a baby.
I can only hope this sweet, nutritious baby food that my body is doing such a wonderful job of producing now, will get used. That some sweet little person will get to drink it. And enjoy it. And thrive on it.
I am so desperate to feed this baby. Sometimes, it is all I can think about.
Wild Garden Questions
1 day ago
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I found it so bittersweet to be leaking milk after Lachlan passed away. It was amazing that my body could produce food for a baby - how totally crazy and wonderful is that?! But also so very sad that he never got to have any, and that the milk was all for nothing. Even though it was emotional to have the leaking milk, once it stopped I also felt the emptiness that you described. My body was admitting that there was no little baby to feed. I still check every now and then, expecting to see a little drop.
ReplyDeleteI remember my milk coming in. Running down the shower drain. I couldnt bear to try and stop it... In some ways, it was all I physically had left...
ReplyDeleteMine is back now too and like you, I hope to let it flow as food come November. Please...
My milk never did come in. I was warned about it, had "how to stop lactation" instructions, and there was nothing. No engorgement, no tenderness, nothing.
ReplyDeleteHopefully my body will clue in this time if the baby lives. I hope we can both feed our babies.
I never realized or gave thought to the milk part of your loss. Don't you wonder why some women choose to not nurse their babies.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to your future posts on nursing your second child.
It is an awesome experience, something I miss. My two children were not great at it, they both pulled away around three months. I am sure it was me who didn't pursue it harder and I regret that. I actually was one of those women. I was a jealous person & thought it was terrible for women to nurse giving my husband the opportunity to see breasts. (crazy right?) I have asthma and my doctors told me that my children would have a better chance of not getting asthma if I nursed them so that's why I did it. It did work.
I am sorry that you had to experience those side effects on top of the loss of Hope. Just how much is enough. I pray for you and your second child to have more, more of all that is beautiful in this world between mother & child. May God bless you twofold.
Since you have a bond with so many women close to your heart I want to remind you of the service I have started. If you have the name & address please send me a comment at:
ReplyDeletehttp://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/
My heart belongs to all of you.
ugh, the milk part of this mess. i wonder how we fix the part of our brain that associates all the little joys with what happened in a negative, sad way instead of now for you what should be a happy exciting time. its so complicated.
ReplyDeleteI took that pill too - after my mom insisted to the doctors that it was necessary. I didn't know any better and went along with it, in many ways, I'm glad my milk didn't come but sometimes I wish it had. I did get the same as you though, the liquid gold dripping for weeks and that was enough to send me into a tailspin most days.
ReplyDeleteI remember when my milk came in...I never had it while I was pregnant but it finally found its way out a day or two after she died - I felt like it was the biggest slap in the face ever. My body was doing the right thing for a baby that I would never get to feed.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that it is bittersweet for you this time around. I wish things could be different...
They don't give pills here in the U.S. My milk came in and I cried. It was such an insult after everything that happened and it was painful. I had to use frozen cabbage leaves to dry it up. It was almost comical, but I guess I think that because I was still in shock.
ReplyDeleteI do so hope you get to feed this baby. I think breastfeeding is hard work, but it's the sweetest experience. I never could have imagined it being this sweet.
Wow, your milk comes in fast. My milk only came in about 3 days after Collin died. I didn't even notice it until I noticed a wet spot where my boobs layed in bed, and I cried. Cried because it hurt SO bad to be sore engorged- my boobs were hard and inflexible and heavy. I had to wear the little booby pads to his funeral, what a cruel joke. I wanted it to be done and over with so fast- to just get over the reminder that I have no baby to feed, and when it was over, I cried because that was it of the pregnancy, of any sign he was supposed to be mine.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to feed this baby. I hear it hurts, your nipples get raw and sore, but then again I don't think anything hurts more than being babylost.
I was so sad when my milk stopped. It felt like my body had finally listened to reason, and I'd secretly liked the fact that my body hadn't accepted Teddy's death, was still trying to feed him.
ReplyDeleteI hope things are very, very different for you this time.
how i remember this. my prayers are with you. the milk coming in was one of the things no one ever bothered to mention to me. of course this was 20+ years ago, but still someone should have said something to me. and what they did say, after the fact, was that i could pump and donate to the nicu. as much as my heart broke for the parents dealing the nicu i couldn't think of it. couldn't handle it emotionally. i still feel guilty when i think about it. but i couldn't emotionally handle it then or now.
ReplyDeleteafter the birth of my second son i nursed him for 4 1/2 years. i couldn't stop. i wanted to feed him forever and ever and ever.
when are you due?
1 December, Mrs Mari.
ReplyDeletethat part was really, really hard for me. i hope for the chance to breastfeed this time, but there's going to be a lot of trauma to be relived there. one of many details, those visceral experiences that bring it all back.
ReplyDeleteI remember how hard that was. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI, too, soo looked forward to breastfeeding and when my milk came in was the day and nearly within the hour, that my little boy died. The pain of not expressing it was emotional and physical. I had fevers, shakes and lots of crying.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best throughout this pregnancy. The power of positive thinking....the power to control your thoughts....the power to be healthy and do all that you can to have a happy ending this time. You are in my thoughts and I wish you a perfect pregnancy, perfect delivery and perfect baby. You can do it, I know you can!
It seems so cruel that our bodies leap into action. Even when there is no need.
ReplyDeleteMy milk came in the day that my little girl passed away and her sister will still on a ventilator and obviously not taking any milk. I just felt so betrayed by my body. How could it carry so stupidly, so keenly, proudly producing milk for babies that didn't need it?
I did get to breastfeed Jess in the end after endless pumping and I just loved it. It was worth all the endless nights with pump. I hope that you will be feeding your little one come December. xx
Keep thinking about that Sally x
ReplyDeleteAlthough she was 20 weeks when Alice died, me milk 'tried' to come in. I just tried to ignore my swollen, large breasts and cried if I thought about it too much. One of the hardest things for me was that I didn't get to ever feed Alice - I know we all feel the same.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your little flower. xxx