Big

I want to blog.

I want to blog about Hope.

My sadness.

My grief.

My healing.

My journey.

But everything lately feels so tightly wound up with this baby, this new pregnancy. I can't seem to see much further past my own giant-sized bump. Everything is about him now. Everything is about his survival. Our survival. Moving forward to that place where babies cry at birth and come home from hospital. I want to talk about Hope and about how much I love her and miss her and wish like crazy she never died, but right now, I can't.

My boy, he's big. Like 98th percentile big. Like measuring 35 weeks at 32 weeks big. Like estimated to weigh 5 pounds 11 ounces already big. Oh boy, my boy is big.

Sort of explains why I feel the way I do and why people generally just say "whoa" when they look at me.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and size aside, all is going really well. Lots of fluid, everything in all the right places, baby doing lots of practice breathing, cord where it should be and placenta functioning well. But he's just big.

I really don't know what to make of it all. I am pleased, don't get me wrong. I seem to do well at growing big, healthy babies. But it does all make me slightly panicky, because it means I really have to start getting serious about this business we call delivery now.

No one else is really panicking though. His size wasn't of great concern to anyone in a white coat. I don't have gestational diabetes, he's just ahead of normal, whatever normal is.

It does mean though, if it wasn't certain already, that we will be meeting him a bit sooner than we'd initially thought. Nothing is locked in yet. No specifics have been discussed, but one way or another, he'll just be that bit earlier. I see the Ob on Monday, and I guess then we can start discussing a game plan. Up until this point, I have had my head in the sand. Not wanting to think about or discuss the end. I knew this pregnancy would end, they all do one way or another, but I haven't been able to go there. Not yet. Now I have no choice. My big boy is coming.

Just so hard to imagine that the two of us are set to become a trio once again. Yes, there should be or could be four, but there wont be. We'll be come a trio. Again.

How long will this boy stay though? I still have absolutely no concept of what it will be like to have a live child. In my house. IN MY HOUSE. And my child, not the child of someone else. I mean we could hardly believe it when I was carrying Hope, but we felt ready for it. Prepared. People told us life would be turned upside down but we thought "bring it on".

Now we're simply terrified.

We've grown so much closer as a couple in the wake of our daughter's death and become more and more used to being alone together in our house. Doing what we want, when we want. Going where we want, when we want. We spend more time together than ever before, with me being here every morning when Simon leaves for work and every night when he walks back in again.

I can't for the life of me imagine adding another person to the mix. A little person who one way or another, is going to turn our life upside down (again) and who is going to need us both in ways we never knew a person could be needed.

We were so ready for Hope, but all of a sudden I don't feel so ready for this.

All I have to do though to snap myself out of thinking like this is think back to those dark days of January and February. Where there was no Hope, and no new pregnancy. And I thought I'd never survive. I thought I'd never get to this point. I thought she'd be it. My one shot at motherhood lost in a huge hospital cock up.

But here I am. And all of a sudden, very close. Damn close. He's just so big! So big my boy is! And he's going to be here before I know it.

I need people to start telling me how wonderful it is going to be, and how much he's going to help me. I need to be reminded, through the back aches and heartburn, that this is all going to be very much worth it.

He's just so big. This whole THING is big. And all of a sudden, I'm scared.