Almost perfect

Angus did indeed turn one a few weeks back. I know others who have walked this path have let out a sigh of relief once the big day passed. I think I did the same. It really feels like maybe, just maybe I will get to keep him now.

There was a time not so long ago when I never thought I'd get here. It was precisely two years ago, and things were very, very bleak in my life. There was no new baby in my arms, no new pregnancy and I thought there was absolutely no hope. Christmas was almost here, though I was having none of it, and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. We had a holiday in Hawaii to look forward to, which was in the following February, and little did I know that soon after we got home, Angus' pregnancy would begin.

To be honest, it was nine months of hell. I struggled to find the joy in it. Yes the kicks and squirms were reassuring and made my heart just about jump out of my chest, but there was not one point I could relax and just trust in it all. Trust in him. I had after all, lost Hope five days past her due date. I'd just spent the previous six wanting to get pregnant, that I didn't give much consideration to the fact that once I was, it was going to be one terrifying, crazy ride.

Still, I would not have traded it for the world. I knew how lucky I was and still am today. I've had the best outcome after the worst thing that can possibly happen to someone. Remaining a childless mother and never actually getting to mother would have been the most cruel blow.

I now realise what a big deal first birthdays are. I always thought some parents went a bit over the top, as it is not like the kid is ever going to remember any of it. But the thing is, the day is mostly for the parents, to mark the end of what is an incredibly difficult, yet joyous year - regardless of whether you're babylost or not.

And this has been a hard year. Hard, because I was totally unprepared for it, never really believing that Angus was going to arrive alive. Hard, because Angus has in fact been a tricky baby. Not always settled and happy, though his pictures tell a different story. Hard, because despite what many may think, I still have to parent two children. One doesn't take up any of my time, but she takes up my energy and heart space. Raising a live baby is tiring, but parenting a dead one can suck the absolute life out of you. On the days I just wanted to sit and wallow on the couch and drown in my own misery, as I'd easily been able to do for the 15 months before Angus arrived, I couldn't because Angus had needs, and lots of them - and I mostly had to be the one to meet those needs.

I still take baths most nights with Angus - just one ritual we've never been able to shake. And being a very cuddly and affectionate boy, I pulled Angus in close for another cherished cuddle in the bath just a couple of nights ago. This one seemed to last longer and feel nicer than any cuddle I've ever received from him. Each time I'd pull back to kiss his sweet little face, he'd pull me in closer again. Sometimes I do wonder what this kid knows, but in that moment, that's when I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. Possibly bigger than the one I let out when I first got pregnant with him, first heard a heartbeat, first got safely to the end of the pregnancy and first heard him cry at birth.

In some ways, I am amazed I made it through this year, with the little sleep all three residents of this household have had. But we got here in the end. And I couldn't be happier. With Angus here, we are leading an almost perfect life.

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Mummy loves you.