Just the two of them

There were two of them. Timid and shy, they hid in the shallow waters under the cover of the shady reeds. They would occasionally swim out in to the middle of the pond, but would quickly return to a safer place.

They looked lost, scared and confused.

The little ducklings were looking for their mother, but she was no where to be seen.

Two older ladies walking their dogs, armed with bread for the poor defenseless creatures, muttered something about foxes and we got talking to them.

They said they’d been watching the little ducklings in the pond with their mother for weeks and would bring them down bread to snack on most days, but that on this morning, the mum was no where to be found and that the ducklings would surely die without her.

I was silently crying by this point.

We were a bit sad and defeated, so decided to make our way back to the car. Then, out of no where, the mother duck flew in, flapped her wings in a flurry of panic and scurried back in to the pond to find her two young.

She saw them, desperately hollered out, then the little family was together again. All was right with the world again in that one, magical moment.

I think that’s what Carly Dudley does when she’s around. She brings magic to the world.

On that particular morning, Carly and I were at the cemetery visiting Hope’s grave. It was just like any normal Sunday, except this Sunday was far from normal.

After two and a bit long years of many exchanged emails, chats and phone calls after “meeting” in the most unlikely yet amazing way, I finally got to meet Carly in person. She was coming to Melbourne and decided to come on the weekend of Angus’ first birthday party to share the special day with my family and I.

Early on the Sunday morning, I drove to her city hotel to pick her up and the big moment was finally upon us. I got out of the car and instantly recognised Carly as she moved through the hotel foyer towards me. She was so much prettier in real life than in her pictures and she smelt sweet like the ocean. Her flowy skirt draped beautifully over her body which has carried her four children – three of whom she had to leave behind to come to Melbourne, and one she always carries with her in her heart, and on this day, also in a small bag in her handbag. It felt special finally being able to hug Carly in person, but also totally normal. Here is a girl I consider one of my greatest friends, yet we’d never met. But it also feels like we've already known each other 100 years. I know it has been said by others, but when you meet another grieving mother, the friendship starts out backwards, as you end up airing all of your dirty laundry first.

After picking up Carly, we headed straight out to the cemetery. We actually got there a bit early and the gates were shut, so we had to park off to the side of the road and sneak in like naughty school girls.

I figured anyone who tried to pull us up was going to have a fight on their hands – we are bereaved mothers after all.

We got to Hope’s grave, armed with some pink roses I had picked up on the way as I never like to visit without fresh flowers, and Carly finally got to meet my daughter, just not the way she’d ever hoped to meet her. I know Carly cried in that moment as she knelt down by the small bronze plaque atop Hope’s grave. I however, did not. I am barely able to squeeze out a drop at the cemetery these days, so frozen I still am in shock by the pure awfulness of it all.

Carly then did one of the most special things anyone has ever done for me – she left a small part of Christian’s ashes with Hope – the first time in almost four years she has ever parted with any. She moved away a small part of the earth with her hands, took the bag of ashes from her handbag and scattered them in the hole, took some of the earth back with her in a bag then put some sand from Christian’s beach in there with him. It was a special moment shared between two old friends, just so wrong in each and every way you look at it though. We always knew our kids would be linked now they will be forever linked in the most amazing way I could have ever imagined. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish in some other twist of fate, Carly and I had been able to meet in some other way. I am not really able to find any good in Hope’s death, but I have to make the best of what I've got and meeting Carly has certainly been one of the silver-lining moments.

As always, Carly was busy with her camera snapping small moments of beauty. While the cemetery houses the remains of my lost child as well as all of my lost hopes and dreams, it is also a very beautiful and tranquil place and every time I visit, I wonder why I don’t go more often.

That’s when we saw the ducks. And it was the ducks and their missing mum that finally made me cry. Strange how I can cry at the pain and suffering of others, but not always my own.

I think it would have been an awful thing to happen on the day I finally met Carly if the mother duck hadn't shown up again. I felt sick about these poor little helpless animals without their one and only lifeline, but when she showed up again, almost out of no where after what would have been at least 10 minutes, it was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders and we knew it was going to be a special day.

We came back to my house, and Carly got to meet the rest of my family, who were all almost as keen to meet her as I was. She is a bit like royalty to us and we were glad to be able to roll out the red carpet for her. They all knew what a huge support she had been to me and their hugs certainly had thank-you written all over them when they greeted her.

While at my house, Carly got to gently run her hand over all of Hope’s precious things, see the well-worn patch of my couch where I sent her many thousands of emails from, sit in the garden we created and cared for when there was no baby here to care for and finally meet little darling Angus, who was busy playing in the room that should have been the room for his big sister 15 months before he arrived. While things were crazy-busy at the house as everyone was getting ready for the big party, I was glad to have Carly here and amongst all of that madness.

We walked down to the park where we were having the party while my family did all the last minute party organising and transporting of food and drinks and got set up for Angus’ big day.

We had 80 people, not including kids and babies, at the party so it was hard to talk to Carly once everyone started arriving. I kept looking over to check on her, but she looked relaxed and at home and just happy to be there. Thankfully Sue and Sophie were able to come as well, so she had other people she knew to keep her company, and I know they were just as keen to meet her as I was. Their hugs also said it all. Gavin, the photographer who took Hope’s photos in hospital was also at the party, and he jokingly remarked that he thought Carly was bigger than just a person, that she was like some sort of enigma. He was thrilled to be able to meet her in person as well and he and Carly seemed to really hit it off.

At the end of the party, which was a raging success despite our little two year old who was very dearly missed, Carly said she would get the train back to the city. In fact she insisted! But I insisted otherwise, as there was no way I could have Carly come all the way from Perth to Melbourne, then send her on her way at the end of our one day together on a train! Plus, Simon and I had barely spoken all day, so busy were we entertaining Angus and our guests, and Angus desperately needed a sleep, so we let our families take care of the clean up and we drove Carly back to the city, where more Melbourne adventures awaited her. She got to sit next to our sleepy little blonde haired party boy on the drive and she took photos of his angelic little face along the way.

It was a whirlwind day. But a much-anticipated, long-awaited and amazing day - for many more reasons than one that I hope to write about in posts to come.

And just like the baby ducks. There most certainly are two of them. Two babies we are desperately missing that we know from now on will be together forever more.