Simon lost his wedding ring on Saturday. He never takes it off, but this year he's been riding his bike to work and has lost at bit of weight. And at baseball on Saturday, in the depth of our icy cold winter, the ring slipped off his finger some time during his warm up.
We spent two hours the next day trawling every god damn corner of the baseball diamond with metal detector we drove an hour to hire, in 7 degree temperatures and in the squally rain, to no avail. We couldn't find the ring. Even though we know it must be out there somewhere, for now, it is gone. The whole sorry saga would be comical if it wasn't so bloody sad. Someone suggested we'd look back on the day and smile, having created some timeless family memories. At this point, I'm not so sure. Angus sopping wet and whining because he wanted to use the metal detector and find the ring, Juliet screaming and arching her back in the Ergo and me ending up sitting in the car with the pair of them while Simon froze to his core looking for the damn thing.
I don't want to believe in omens, but this doesn't feel nice. I don't fear for my marriage or anything like that, it has just left me feeling a bit hollowed out, and exposed all over again. I saw daffodils poking through the damp earth the other day, so grief season being upon us isn't helping either. The daffodils, I swear they do this to me every year.
We are working hard at our marriage these days, harder than we ever have before. Two small children, both of whom don't sleep very well and the stresses of life can get you down. Even more so when the sun is not shining outside. There are no details or specifics to share here - this is just life. But we are ok. It can just get hard, bloody hard.
This was supposed to be the year when life felt good again, where I was lighter, where things felt easier. I am not pregnant for once - after having been pregnant through three of the past five winters - I have two small, amazing children to care for every day - a blessed double rainbow that glistens gaily on my horizon - yet some days I still feel paralysed by my past and sick with grief for all we have lost, wedding ring aside.
At almost four years from the day it all fell apart, why do I sometimes feel as broken as the day we lost her? Why do I get frustrated and cranky at the living children I hoped beyond hope for? Why do I continue to slacken off with my own health and give up on the quest to lose baby weight x 3? Why is it sometimes all too hard?
I feel worn down this winter. I am busy and tired and I need a break, though I don't really like to admit that. My back hurts and the physio is expensive and did I mention I was tired? I spent so much time, energy and effort trying to rebuild a happy life for myself, and I have, but it has taken a toll.
Simon and I know better than anyone that a ring is just a ring. A possession. Not what really matters in life, because it can be replaced. The important things can't be replaced and we learnt that lesson the hard way. But that ring has been on his hand every single day for seven and a half years and has been to more than 20 countries with us, with him as he rubbed my pregnant belly three times, cradled three sweet newborns and rocked two of them to sleep at night. We are sad it is gone. Not worth much in terms of dollars, but priceless in terms of the memories. I put that ring on his finger during our warm summer wedding and we were so fucking happy and so damn clueless that day. Those happy people don't really exist anymore, at least not in the same form, but that love still does and we are doing our best to keep the flames alight, while we work through these treacherous early days of parenting small children and the still early days of our grief. Because damn it I don't care what anyone thinks, it still is the early days. Four years is nothing in the grand scheme of the rest of our lives without her.
We will buy Simon a new ring. We will be ok. We will limp through another winter and we will hope for sunnier days ahead. And lightness.
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I'm sorry about the ring - and that you are feeling low. I have not lost what you have, but I recognise your description of being cranky with a child you have longed for and not understanding why.
ReplyDeleteMy mum also lost her wedding ring - after 35 years of marriage - and the whole family felt unsettled by it. All apart from my dad who told her "That ring was old - it's about time you had a new one anyway!". They have been married for another 13 years since then - 13 years that have brought them some tough times but far more happy times (not least, all three of their grandchildren).
I always read your blog but rarely comment but I feel like i have to now. I understand exactly what you are saying about the ring. Just a ring but more than that, a symbol.
ReplyDeleteBut I have an idea. Go buy that new ring then take your family somewhere special and renew your vows. It can just be the you the 2 rainbows and a symbol of Hope with you. Or it can be the friends that have stood by you the past 4 years. You can have it be official or not. You can just say the words to each other with your wonderful children witnessing it.
I think it could be beautiful and give you a sense of renewal.
~Cheryl
Dear Sally, I can feel that winter heaviness you describe, that season of grief you are entering, from here. Your words so vividly convey the mood of things for you as they are right now.
ReplyDeleteI imagine you are more tired than I have ever been, and worse still, that perhaps you feel like you're not not even entitled to be exhausted and in need of a break. Except from the way I see it you are more entitled than anyone to claim the right to some sense of rest or reprieve. What you have endured, and are enduring, as a result of losing Hope, is soul wearying. Parenting two lively young children, and keeping a household afloat is body wearying. The constant vigilance you seem to have to maintain when you're a person who has learned the hard way that you could lose everything at any moment leaves little energy for other matters of the mind, in my experience at least. Doing all of those things together, as you are doing every single day, is as yet an unfathomable challenge to me. I'm in awe of you, I really am.
I'm so sorry to hear about Simon's ring. I'm hoping it slipped off somewhere else and you'll find it tangled in the sheets or under a cupboard in the bathroom where all lost trinkets seem to gather, or at least that someone picked it up and is keeping it safe until they find its owner...
I've never really thought about my husband's ring in those terms...the fact that it has held both our children. You're right those memories are priceless. I'm so sorry that it has disappeared. There are those crazy stories of rings showing up a few days or even years later. I will wish that for you. Before Addi my husband lost his in the snow in a parking lot and he looked everywhere. Then 4 days later he walked outside and it was there when he looked down....crazy things can happen!
ReplyDeleteI really hate when little things (or bigger things) happen and it send our grief into overdrive. Grief has such a sensitive trigger, doesn't take much of anything to set it off. Seems extra unfair that it is always there to go off at anytime after all the time we have given it already.
And in answer to all those questions you posed...one answer come to mind-because you are human and life is hard and even if it doesn't feel like it you ARE doing a great job! Hoping for some lighter/easier days ahead! And yes, 4 years is still considered early on in the grand scheme of things!
It is strange how a ring can represent so much. My husband and I now always wear our rings. I think it shows some type of solidarity after losing our son. Before they did not mean as much but now our marriage needs these little things keeping us somehow remembering and connected.
ReplyDeleteThe missing it never stops? Staying strong, dealing with life, trying to keep it all together while the memories are in the forefront of your mind. Recently we met someone who lost their first born at birth 30 years ago during the summer, he said every year it comes back and he misses his son around the same time.
I hope he finds the ring and I hope winter isn't too hard on your heart.
I'm sorry that Simon lost his wedding ring. As you say, it is just a ring on some levels, but . . but I know I would hate to lose my wedding ring. They have been there over these past four years through the happiest and saddest times I suspect that our marriage will ever see.
ReplyDeleteFeeling worn down and that is too hard alongside you Sally, although I don't suppose that is much consolation.
Hoping for sunnier days and lightness ahead for you and for your family. Hoping so very much.
Sally, the commenters above have wise words, sadly I don't, but I do get it, truly, all of it especially the weariness, and four years is no time at all. I'm approaching three years, but seeing my 16 year old daughter go off to prom on Saturday night reminds me that I've a life time yet of missing, and missing so much more than most people will ever understand.
ReplyDeleteLove to you Sally. x
You're right. 4 years is still early days when it comes to this kind of loss. I saw a mother and father on an evening news story the other night, talking about 'Amanda's Garden', a beautiful garden they've established and tended to since she (their daughter) died, 15 years ago. There was a moment there, when Amanda's mum was reflecting on her death and she held her breath, the tears came and I could see she was in that acute pain moment of 15 years ago. Yes, 4 years is still.
ReplyDeleteSorry Simon has lost his ring. I completely understand the sentimental attachment. I also understand the pressures of caring for other kids and the strain that brings. Of wanting to feel like the soul/earth ever loving and patient mother to your little rainbows, and the guilt that comes when being that person doesn't come so easily.
And, bring on summer I say!
xxx KT.
I'm sorry about Simon's ring. N lost his wedding ring last month. We have no idea where it went, but it had been loose on his finger for a long time and now it's gone. And it does feel ominous even when you know it's just a ring, and perhaps the ominous feeling has quite a lot to do with August looming on the horizon, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd one of the worst things about almost four years, I've decided, is that weariness. Feeling so tired from the missing and also knowing that there's a lot of it stretched out in front of you, too.
Abiding with you as you get through the winter.
I'm sorry about the ring, and I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. Sometimes I wish we lived closer so I could spend an afternoon with you. I just feel like we have so much in common. Thinking of you, holding you all in my heart as her birthday approaches.
ReplyDeleteAw, Sally. ((HUGS)). I wish I lived closer too.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. This August marks nine years for me, and I could have written many of the same things you did.
"Why do I get frustrated and cranky at the living children I hoped beyond hope for?"
This is also just part of life with young children. I know I've felt remorse time and again for what I later think were words that were too sharp, or when they protest that I'm just mean for not letting them do what they want ("Why can't I have a cupcake for breakfast? Why won't you buy me a toy today? So and so's mum lets her have gummy worms in her lunch every day!"). It's just the way things are. In those moments of reflection, I think, "Wow, after burying one child, I should act more grateful for the huge blessing of having living children in our lives." But at the same time, that can't mean carte blanche for them to do anything, have anything, behave however they'd like. I am still their mother. My job is to parent them and help them to learn the ropes and make good choices. Frustration is part of the territory, I think. And there's just the added dash of guilt from thinking that I should somehow be all spiritually enlightened, all wise and über compassionate mom because of losing C. But that's not me...yet...at any rate. Maybe I can still hope, right?
I'm sorry about losing the ring. I suppose it's a good thing both K. and I stopped wearing ours years ago. He had to remove his for work safety reasons and me, after all those pregnancies, my wedding set didn't fit anymore and I couldn't bother to get them resized. I like the idea of a new ring with renewing your vows, with both Angus and Juliet there. You're right, it's not the same as the ring from your summer wedding and the time of your lives before all this happened. But I think the new one, and however you choose to acknowledge it, speaks volumes about love and commitment. Seriously, what did any of us know about love through tragedy and commitment over adversity on our wedding days, in those young, pre-loss days?
Big ((HUGS)) my friend.
I am so waiting for spring, even if it means August first. But I'm done with winter and it's only July. Ironically, I'm colder here during the winter than I ever was in Canada. I'm frozen and done. When it's warmer outside on the patio than it's in inside the house, that's just not right. LOL.
I'm sorry that Simon lost his ring. I understand completely the knowing it's a "just" a ring but missing all that it symbolises.
ReplyDeleteAll this struck a chord with me. The weariness, the hard work of being married with littlies, the fact that four years is a lifetime and no time all at once.
We are in Olympic gear-up in England and, without fail, it all makes me think of Hope and you. Wishing you gentleness in the run up to her birthday and a return of some lightness soon.
My dear friend, I am sorry. I also sorry, I would be wrenched by that, while also not so - as I know you are saying in this piece. Nobody died, as Max and I say when the chips are down, to remind ourselves of worse that has happened and didn't today. But a wedding ring is wedding ring.
ReplyDeleteMake new memories with a new one. Such the right thing. And if the ring has gone, which maybe it has, perhaps it has gone through a loophole in time and space and thence found your daughter. Love and Hope, all hidden in one place and tucked in your heart.
I've only been through one spring without M, but the way you describe this winter without Hope, I can see my future ahead of me, feel these strong pangs.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry Simon lost his wedding ring. I lost mine several years ago and found it comical and then M died and I felt like scouring the world over for it. God damn.
Sally, I am so sorry about the ring. We sometimes stop noticing these things that make up our normal, our everyday when they are there. Because after all, they are essentially the background. But if they are suddenly gone, the void seems so very profound. I do hope the story of looking with the metal detector will be funny someday, and dear to all involved. And I hope the new ring grows into the fabric of your family, not replacing the old one, but taking its own, proper place.
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry about the winter. Want to hop a plane and visit us in the land of too.damn.hot.right.now? :)
Oh Sally I am so sorry about Simon's ring. As others have said I know a ring is a ring, but little things like this have meaning- jut like the little mementos we cherish from the babies we cannot hold.
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough I stopped wearing my beautiful wedding rings during Cullen's pregnancy. And I have yet to put them back on. In a way I'm the opposite of Simon. I can't explain it (and am very happily married) but for me those rings no longer feel 'right' on my finger. I was not wearing them when I held him.. it was just my skin. But S was wearing his.. and he still does every day. S was a bit irked at first but now, almost 2 years later, I don't think he minds at all. I've even thought about getting a ring tattooed on! I think that where I live women tend to judge each other by what they have and how much they can 'show', and after Cullen died I wanted no part of that game.
Anyhow, S joked that I should sell them but that is something I would never ever do- they have meaning just the same, and some day they will belong to C2. Who knows- maybe someday I'll feel like wearing them again...
I digress- this was such a beautiful post my friend. Sending you so much love and light always.
Oh Sally, I'm so sorry that Simon lost his ring. I know it's just a possession, but it is nevertheless sad because, as you say, it's been with you through so much...
ReplyDelete"Those happy people don't really exist anymore, at least not in the same form, but that love still does..."
I may have said it before, but when Seamus died I couldn't look at my wedding photos... I wanted to smack my old self across the face for being so naive... But then, John and I took our wedding rings to have Seamus's name and date of birth engraved on the inside. Those rings have been with us through so much, and it felt right that Seamus's name should be inscribed on them. We were wearing them when we held hands being given the worst news a parent can ever receive, when John held my sweaty hand through labour, when we took our beloved boy into our arms for the first and last time... We needed them physically marked with him.
Possessions, yes. But so much more too... I'm so sorry it's lost, and I hope it somehow finds it's way back.