Glow in the Woods 7x7: the body shop

Head over to Glow in the Woods to play along......

1. Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.
I felt alive when I was pregnant. The best I have ever felt in my entire life and I had never felt so happy to look in the mirror and see my changing form. I had finally realised my purpose for being on this earth. Words will never be enough to describe just how good I felt and I think I can say I looked good too, and I have never said that about myself. Now I feel old, tired and broken and unsure of everything I was once sure of.

2. What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?
I started taking my pre-natal vitamins just weeks after I lost Hope. I knew I wanted to be pregnant again right away, so the one thing I could do was to get right back in to taking care of me. I stayed off coffee and alcohol and tried my best to eat a balanced diet. Things have fallen apart a bit in the last few months, as all the baby weight crept back on, but I am still trying....

3. Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.
Before: a girl does not kiss and tell but it was fine, lovely in fact. After: intense, necessary, well-timed, perfectly executed, done with intent, emotional.

4. Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?
A tattoo on my hip, down near where she lived those 40 weeks and 4 days (see pic on side of my blog) and a nice roll of flab around my mid-section that I can't seem to shift. Baby weight with no baby; is there anything in life more cruel? Oh yes, and the sad eyes. I look in the mirror and barely recognise the sad girl staring back. The sadness is etched all over my face. I not only feel different, I look different. I wonder if strangers in the street can see it? If they can read the sadness in my eyes?

5. Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?
I have not had a single drink since September 2007, when we first decided we wanted to try for a baby. It has been my silent protest in a way since her death and birth, as I knew if she was here, I would not be able to drink anyway, as I would be breastfeeding her. The "should haves" always play on my mind. I'm happy to lay off anything that might be bad for me, as I want to do all of this again soon, so I need to know I'm doing all the right things. I want to feel like I have some "control" here, and staying "clean" is one way to help with that. And I have avoided all offers of anti-depressants and sleeping pills (and there have been many) as I did not want to medicate my pain away. I don't believe you can take this kind of pain away with drugs anyway. I want to feel it, I do not want to be numb to it. That's a personal choice though.

6. Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?
I'm not even at eight months out yet, but yes, physical healing has been important. I started walking, doing a bit of yoga and I went to the gym a few times. But I also try and rest as much as I can, as I know a second pregnancy will be hard on my body when it comes being so close to my last full term pregnancy. I never ever dreamt of trying to get pregnant again so soon. I wanted a big gap between my babies.

7. If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?
Firstly, I know I will never be at peace with this babylost state. Never ever. End of story. I would like to lose the 10 kilos I can't manage to shift. I am at the same weight I was at 40+ weeks pregnant and it is a real slap in the face. I am striving to just feel "better" but I also know there is no hurry, as this is a grief and loss I will have to process for the rest of my life. And it has not even been eight months, so what is the rush?