Monday, March 30, 2009

Fine

I'm just..... in a blogging rut.

So much to say, but I don't know how to say it anymore. I have lost my voice, and I suppose one day I will find it. But for now, I need a break.

I'm fine, well as fine as someone can be in my situation. I just need to reassess what all of this is about. Since finding out just how many people knew about this place ca few weeks back, I just don't know if I feel as safe here anymore.

Some friends have questioned that. Asked why I felt safe amongst strangers but not amongst my oldest, nearest and dearest friends. Simon summed it up for me, and he said it was like being naked. In that you were more likely to feel more comfortable naked in front of a bunch of strangers than you were your own friends. I just can't be naked here any more though. Too many people know.

So I just need to take a break. When I'll be back, I don't know. Tomorrow, the day after, a week later, a month later. One thing is for sure though, I will be back. Like I said, I still have so much to say, I just need to find a way to say it again.

Just don't worry about me. I am, for the most part, fine. Promise.
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25 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 30, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    Whatever you decide to do, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Lots of love xxxxx

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  2. Dani819March 30, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    Whatever you need, Sally. You've been so generous with your honesty and your thoughts- regroup and take all the time you need. We'll be here.

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  3. still life angieMarch 30, 2009 at 11:27 AM

    Yes. We will wait. and we will be here in whatever capacity you need...Sending you much love.

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  4. SirRabbitMarch 30, 2009 at 12:36 PM

    will still be checking and will be thinking of you and Hope..
    don't go far you put in words what so many of us can't quite articulate and help us work through things and most of all it is such a loving tribute and it is so true to yourself and to your love for Hope...and remembering Hope..
    I love reading it, it is so worthy of a book and is so very true...I think you should be very proud of you, very proud of yourself as a loving mum and a wife...you are truly an amazing woman..
    loux

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  5. Mommy (You can call me OM)March 30, 2009 at 1:38 PM

    The fact that somebody has to ask why you feel safe with 'strangers' just shows that they don't get it. Perhaps that sounds judgmental or harsh. What I mean is that when you've lost a baby, it's nearly impossible to explain yourself to somebody who hasn't lost a baby. They expect you to move on, to feel happy one day and never grieve again. They don't know the little things they say or do are seen through a new filter now. It's not their fault, usually (unless they are truly cruel and evil). :) We who've lost a baby need to be able to vent, rant, cry, and emote even if it's oftentimes irrational. My hope is that those who don't get it and read as an act of voyeurism will stop reading. I want this to be safe for you. Those who read as an attempt to understand and empathize will perhaps become a wonderful support to you.
    I hope you come back soon. Peace.

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  6. GalMarch 30, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    I feel very similar these days... so I totally understand.

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  7. -clevergirlMarch 30, 2009 at 4:51 PM

    I hope to hear from you soon, **HUG**

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  8. after irisMarch 30, 2009 at 8:01 PM

    Take your time honey, thinking of you lots x

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  9. Snarky BelleMarch 30, 2009 at 9:09 PM

    We(those of us who have also lost our babies)understand. As freeing and as much support as blogging brings, there is another side to it that can wear you down. No matter what you decide to do regarding your blog, there will be those of us who are always here, cheering you on and thinking of you. I am just one of many.

    Your honesty and candor are things I sincerely appreciate. I'll miss you while you are away, but taking your time and stepping away are sometimes the very things we must do. Sending you much love and many hugs!

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  10. LindsayMarch 30, 2009 at 11:52 PM

    If you need me for anything, any silly little thing, and you don't want it public, you have my e-mail. You can also IM me, if you'd like.
    You are so right...it is easier to be 'naked' in front of strangers.
    Sending love, Lindsay

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  11. DaleneMarch 31, 2009 at 4:25 AM

    Thinking about you and remembering Hope. Take all the time you need.

    XOXO

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  12. ericaMarch 31, 2009 at 5:15 AM

    Hope your time away (however much you need to take) helps. I'll be thinking of you & Hope. Sending love.

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  13. CaraMarch 31, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    I feel like a "mother" stranger...saying oh- but I will worry because I know you still hurts so acutely. But I also know the value in being quiet.

    Stop by my blog whenever you like - but clothed please if you don't mind..hehe

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  14. janisMarch 31, 2009 at 6:34 PM

    ((hugs)) Sally.
    Take your time for some respite. You are being thought of. xoxo

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  15. FireflyforeverMarch 31, 2009 at 9:35 PM

    Whatever you decide to do is right for you - and that's what matters. wishing you gentle times.

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  16. Susie BateApril 1, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    Always in my thoughts, Sall.

    My heart is always with you...wherever you are.

    xx SB

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  17. RachaelApril 1, 2009 at 12:45 PM

    I have been feeling a little the same...

    We will miss you and of course will keep you in our thoughts always.

    xxx

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  18. alizaApril 2, 2009 at 5:32 AM

    sending you love sally, we're here whenever you are ready, no matter what you want or don't want to say.

    btw i have also felt the nakedness and concern that people in my real life have read all my deep dark angry jealous words...but i'm feeling ok about it, because it's just real, it's pretty fucking awful to have your baby die so we are going to have lots of angry, awful words to help process it all.

    much love to you sally

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  19. k@laklyApril 3, 2009 at 7:33 AM

    The need to write or read, comes in waves. Sometimes you just need to float and rest. we'll all be here when you need us, if you need us.
    xxoo

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  20. DebbieApril 3, 2009 at 11:15 AM

    Thinking of you. <3

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  21. FunsizeApril 3, 2009 at 4:09 PM

    I am kind of in the same rut, I feel like I've run out of things to say. I'll be missing you, and reading your blog, and waiting for your arrival.

    ((hugs))

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  22. Snarky BelleApril 5, 2009 at 12:24 AM

    Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

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  23. TashApril 5, 2009 at 3:41 AM

    I'm sorry to hear this, but I so get the break thing. sometimes I take little unannounced ones myself.

    I think it's easier to talk to people when they all have the same backstory, even if you've never, ever met them. Like running into someone who speaks your language when you happen to be on vacation in the jungles of wherever. Sometimes that closeness tops anything a family member can offer.

    Thinking of you. Write when you can.

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  24. c.April 7, 2009 at 1:21 AM

    Just thinking of you, S. Hope you're okay. XO.

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  25. CLCApril 7, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    Hi Sally. Hope you are doing well. Breaks around here are good, in my humble opinion. Sometimes we all need a little vacation from this world to gather our thoughts.

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