Here is what I am grateful for:
My baby girl. She's not here but I love her. She still is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.
My healthy, easy and blissful pregnancy. I will always treasure those magical nine months.
My husband. For being the greatest.
My family for doing what families should do at times like this. For always being there, without question.
My friends who have stuck by me in the last nine months. Who have let me say what I want to say and who have not judged. Those who have just let me be.
My new little baby. For giving me a reason to move forward. For giving me purpose again and a reason to feel hopeful.
My youth, health and fertility. I will always consider myself very lucky in that regard.
My dog, for never leaving my side.
A roof over my head, food in my belly, (some) money in the bank, warm clothes.
My beautiful new friends in this community who understand me. I'd be lost without you all.
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Yesterday probably didn't end up as bad as I thought it would. In a way, the day was perfect. The breakfast in bed, two nice gifts, lunch of my choice, homemade scones with jam and cream and a nice dinner. It was all good. We did visit the cemetery and I did leave flowers. I even managed not to cry and totally break down. That felt like an achievement.
The day was lovely really, the only thing missing was my baby.
So with that in mind, I will do every single thing in my power to make sure I have this baby here with me next Mother's Day. And I'm going to try my best to be a bit more positive about the whole thing. Because I do need to remind myself, and chant it over and over as my daily mantra, most babies live.
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That sounds good! It is so hard to stay positive sometimes. We all need our moments! I did the best that I could for me today, it was hard, but I did it. My baby girl could have been here any day now, but she came much too early. I am just trying to be hopeful.
ReplyDeleteSo there you are, well into tomorrow, and you are in a beautiful place, Sally. You are feeling GRATEFUL for things. Can you imagine feeling that way at ALL six months ago?
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing what hope, and Hope, can do. Love has an amazing power to energize and heal, doesn't it.
Have a nice tomorrow, while I finish yesterday.
xox
Ah, such wonderful things to be grateful for.
ReplyDeleteI am with you on being grateful for my daughter. They have touches our hearts in special ways.
Delurking... Saw your news on Charlotte's Mama's blog - congratulations! I will be keeping you and your new little bean in my prayers. Hope is a beautiful baby, how I wish she was here with you now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to get through the day on a positive note, and even count your blessings. Your positive attitude inspires me. Wishing you an uneventful pregnancy and thinking of you today.
ReplyDeletexoxo
that is a lovely post xx
ReplyDeleteThese are all lovely things to be grateful for.
ReplyDeleteNo one thinks you're whiny, for the record!
I think it's brilliant to focus on being positive about your pregnancy. You'll have tough days, no doubt, and we'll be here when you do, but remembering the joy of Hope is so important and I think you're amazing and strong.
Well done for getting through such a tough day, and all of the tough days xxxx
I'm glad you had a almost perfect day. It's good to see the glimmer of hope you are showing and. Your new found determination is reassuring. I look foward to 'meeting' your new little one, and we won't forget Hope, I promise.
ReplyDeleteSending my love, Lindsay
Very glad for you, to read that you are pregnant again! I have not visited your blog for quite a while.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a strange thing to think, as you said, that this new baby wouldn't be coming if Hope had lived, I'm sure that will be something you ponder forever in wonderment as he/she grows up.
Here's a story though...one of my favourite musicians, Ali Farka Toure from Mali, was the 10th child to a mother who had lost ALL 9 previous children in infancy. I truly can't imagine that woman's strength. But anyway, she nicknamed him Farka (donkey) because of his will to live. And although his father too died soon after he was born, her son grew up to be the most famous and respected (revered really) man in the entire country (also the richest, but whatever!) and known all around the world for his amazing music. I hope that story gives you a little strength when you are feeling worried. I will be thinking of you these coming months.
Nuwie
Beautiful post. I, too, am grateful for my Ethan. I think all of us would go through the pain of losing our child because in the end, our love for our children is so great, it surpasses everything.
ReplyDeleteI will join you in your chant :)
I'm glad M-Day was better than expected. I found that the day itself was much better than the month of media hype leading up to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to cultivate more gratefulness myself. I'm going to use this post as inspiration.
Here with you no matter how you are and always thinking of you, Hope and the new little one. Much love
ReplyDeleteAnd I am honoured to have you as a friend.
ReplyDeletexxx
I HOPE everything continues to grow and be healthy for you. You did everything right before too. What happened wasn't on you. Remember that.
ReplyDeletexxoo
we all have our moments, and i am glad you have a place to come to and friends that know you need to release your feelings.
ReplyDeleteit was beautiful to read your post today and see you speak so positively of life. hope is in your heart, your thoughts always.
Sally, I'm so overjoyed for you. I am so sorry I've been absent from you blog for a while. I do try and follow along, but I've found it difficult to be in DB land for a while now. I guess trying to ignore my own grief for a while.
ReplyDeleteI am so so happy to read that you are pregnant again. OMG! Do keep chanting that, it is true. As insane as it seems right now you do have far, far more chance of coming home with your baby than not. I see that more clearly now I'm on the other side, but I now that while pregnant it was nigh on impossible for me to believe that.
Big hugs x
Sally - this is a gorgeous post of past and present mixed with hope..xoxoe
ReplyDeleteA lovely post Sally, and so glad you can feel grateful. Much love to you and that flower in your tummy:)
ReplyDeleteHi Sally,
ReplyDeleteI was given your blog link from Dana (Unique Christening Gowns).
Just wanted to say your words are like a mirror to my soul.
Thankyou for sharing your journey.
You can visit my blog too www.heartsoulblossoming.blogspot.com
Carly
You sound so positive! I wish I could be positive like that! Bless you!!
ReplyDeleteHang on to the positive moments.
ReplyDeleteI just read your last post, and I want to cry for you, and all of us. I feel the same way many times. I just want her back. And then I feel guilty for still thinking about her when I should be concentrating on Denis 100%. But I just can't help it. And I just can't win.
You are allowed to be as selfish as you like!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you
xxx
Most babies live...most babies live. It was my exact chant and worked for me. xx
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely, Sally. I feel like I'm constantly balancing my grief for B and my excitement for this new growing baby. As each day brings me closer to bringing a baby home, I feel like I am surviving and thriving. And that feels good.
ReplyDelete