That question

So far I've done pretty well to avoid this one, and have only had to answer it once, in the early months. I came off a mess, but then that was to be expected. It was the first time I'd had to face it.

I dropped my car off for a service this morning. The mechanic is right across the road, so it is quite handy for us.

The last time I was there I was huge, as we wanted to make sure the car was safe before our baby arrived. Thankfully, he didn't seem to remember - at least he didn't say anything - so I left the car and went off on my not-quite-as-merry way.

The mechanic just dropped my car back - literally backed it out of his drive way, and drove it in to mine, and I went back across the road to pay him.

"So how's bubs?" he said. I paused and stared, and he already looked uncomfortable, as if he was trying to dig himself a big hole. "You did have a baby didn't you?"

"Yes, we did but she passed away."

He apologised profusely, then as so often happens, went on to tell me that he and his wife lost a baby many years ago at 22 weeks, so he knew the devastation.

I said we'd lost our baby girl right before birth, at 40 weeks and that there were issues with the hospital, and left it at that. Of course he was horrified, as most are.

The best bit about today was, I was able to leave him with the upbeat news of being pregnant again - and it felt nice. I felt incredibly lucky I had that tid bit of information that so many others I know are desperate to have, to soften the blow, because news of a dead baby is such a devastating blow.

"We are expecting again, and due around late November, so we are trying to carry on as best we can. Just one of life's great mysteries," I said.

"Well that's a good attitude to have. Again I am so, so sorry."

I reassured him and told him it was fine, I mean the poor guy had no idea. I was huge - who doesn't go from huge and pregnant to having the baby at home? But I guess he did see me walk out my front door, down my drive way and out on to our street every day for months on end before Hope arrived, on my way to the train station each day. As much as I thought men don't really notice these things, I guess he did. I should have known better. This is precisely why I have been avoiding the dentist, hairdresser, accountant and green grocer of late. I just don't want to have that conversation. I guess sometimes, it just can't be avoided.

But today, when confronted with it, and not expecting it at all - I did well. Not even a single tear. In fact I feel bad I made him feel so awful. Not a nice way for him to finish up on a Friday afternoon, as I have a feeling my news will sit with him for a while.

But that is life. And the death of our babies is one of life's great mysteries. Possibly the greatest mystery of them all. I'll be a rich woman if I ever figure it out one day and make any sense of it.