The path not taken

Somewhere out there, in a land far, far away, a young couple are going about life and raising their first child. A daughter, a precious baby girl.

She's almost 11 months old now, with preparations for her first birthday part well underway.

She was a happy and easy baby as a newborn, and Mum and Dad felt quite lucky. Sleep was hard to come by for a while there, but that's ok, they were expecting that. Breastfeeding had some challenges at first, but then who didn't find it a bit tough? After a few weeks, Mum and bubs became pretty accomplished at it, and it is still continuing to this day - although that will all soon be coming to an end as Mum's 12 months at home with the baby are almost over. She can't believe she has to go back to work even if it is for only two days a week. And even if it is Nanna looking after baby one day and Daddy the other. She has no idea how she will leave her baby behind. Guilt does not begin to describe how she feels right now.

Little baby girl has the sweetest blonde curls, and Daddy's gentle nature. Her laugh is infectious but you can hear her from three blocks away when she squeals before dinner. She loves nothing more than Daddy getting her up in the morning when he's on afternoon shift and Daddy putting her to bed when he's on day shift. And like all little kids, she loves her bath. During the day, Mummy and baby enjoy nothing more than reading book after book. She just can't get enough of them, and Mummy is happy to oblige.

Every few days, Mummy posts more deliriously cute pictures on Facebook so all her friends and family can see just how much she's changed and grown. Nothing makes Mum happier than reading all the comments about just how adorable other people think her little girl is. Like any parent, she thinks her child is the most beautiful in the world.

Little baby girl has been lucky to welcome so many little friends in to the world since her birth. Mum felt so lucky to be pregnant at the same time as so many close friends, so little baby girl quickly developed a close network of baby friends. And to her delight, so many of those were gorgeous little baby girls! Then of course there were the many babies already born before her, who were all so excited to welcome her in to the world after all those months of waiting. There have been many fun play dates at friend's houses and many at her place on the rug in the living room with the dog trying to lick all the kid's faces faces and steal their mushy bananas.

Mummy has also been welcomed in to a new circle of friends - something she did not think about much before the birth and that was to Mother's Group with all the nice new mums in the neighbourhood, who she never would have met if she never had the baby. They have been her lifeline and a great support network to lean on when things get tough. Catch ups are less frequent now than they once were, but she's made a few really close friends who she knows will be friends with for life. She will always be able to call on them in a time of need.

For the last few weeks, little baby girl been pulling herself up on the couch and walking to and from the coffee table. She's learning the hard way though, and has taken a few tumbles with one nasty little bump on her head - I think Mummy cried more than baby did. But that's the way to learn though, to keep trying and to always learn from your mistakes. It seems she'll be walking soon though, and Mum and Dad will be so proud. Best they get baby-proofing everything in the house, as soon there will be no stopping her! They just can't believe how quick time has gone and how fast she has grown. Seems like just yesterday Mum was still pregnant and waiting for her big arrival.

She loves nothing more than Vege.mite and avocado on toast, just like Mum, and she can already count to four - such a clever girl. Her best friend in the whole wide world is Miles her big brother dog. Her grandparents, aunties and uncles are of course all smitten with her. She was so greatly anticipated and longed for, well before her arrival.

About the last thing on Mum's mind now would be another baby. "No way!" Mum says. "It has only been 11 damn months. I still feel like my body is recovering from it all! Not to mention the trauma of birth where it was very touch and go there for a while. So scary." You see, little baby girl was in distress, so it was so lucky Mum and Dad got back to the hospital in time and that the midwives providing her care erred on the side of caution. They can't bear to imagine what would have happened if they didn't. It is not even worth thinking about, just too traumatic to even let the mind go there. But it was a shame though they had a "horror story" birth and didn't have things work out the way they hoped. Mum only hopes her next birth can go more smoothly with less need for those nasty interventions she had wanted to avoid.

This little baby girl has taught her parents soooooo much in the last 11 months. If they thought they had any idea what parenthood would be like before her birth, they were way off track. This has been one crazy ride and one steep learning curve, but they wouldn't change it for the world. They feel so totally and utterly blessed to have her in her life and could never imagine life without her. Watching her grow and pass milestones is more fulfilling than they could have ever dreamed. Parenthood for them has certainly been the greatest blessing and the best job in the world.

She is the light of their lives. She is their everything. They could never imagine being any happier.

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I am so wary of getting any advice with this pregnancy, and more importantly after the baby is born (all being well, of course). I'm going to be treated like a first time Mum with her first child, and it doesn't sit well with me, because of course it is not entirely true.

I feel like when she died back in August, I came to a fork in my road. Sadly, I got catastrophically thrown off in one direction, which was not the direction I chose or planned for, and in the other scenario, where the baby is miraculously saved, we head on down the other glorious path and go on to raise our daughter, with everyone living happily ever after. See story above.

Instinctively I feel I am just going to know what to do with this next baby. I realise I am probably totally and utterly deluded, but that is for me to find out when it all happens. I really do feel like I have done it all before though. Not now, not this time, but in another life - somewhere off in the distance on that other path, the path I never got to travel. When I got forced down the path of grief, horror and heartbreak, part of me went down the right path, my chosen path, with my happy living daughter. Hope took parts of me down that path that we will will never get back. Large chunks of my heart and mind, never to return again - not even for the new life within. I imagine my old self and the old Simon, out there somewhere, in that parallel universe, in that other life. Sometimes like right now, I can almost taste it.

I suppose I am just scared. That at some point, someone will inadvertently refer to this baby as my first. Or to me as a first time mother. And look out to the person who does. Because I really do feel like I have done this all before.