It seems getting one blog post out of my head is like plucking the proverbial grey hair. You get one out, and 20 more appear in its place. Suddenly, my words are coming back.
So, after August 2008, many people disappeared from our lives. Plenty showed up at her funeral, some sent money and cards, others sent flowers, food or left messages but then so many disappeared. And some of those people, people we once considered friends, we haven't heard from since.
Until now. Gee, I wonder why.
It seems a new baby in our lives has given people the green light to flock back to us. Emails, messages on the answering machine, the odd text message here or there and unexpected visits on a lazy afternoon bearing cute blue gifts. People are all of a sudden reappearing in our lives again.
I know I have to try and let go of some of my anger, frustration and disappointment in people for how they acted and treated us in the wake of Hope's death. They were only doing what they thought was best. Giving us space and time - space and time that I am well aware I initially requested. But too much time has passed now and I was given way too much space. Too much has changed. Angus' pregnancy was so emotionally charged from day one that if those people couldn't be there for me to support me through it, then I really don't want them here now.
It has been hard to figure out who I am happy to welcome back in to our lives and who I am happy to say goodbye to forever. Some people really aren't worth it, despite their best efforts. Some pose a few more problems for me due to the nature of our relationships or how long I might have known them for. Who can I forgive for letting me down at the most crucial time in my life? It is a tough call. And I don't have that much energy to devote to it right now. Angus is number one, as he most certainly should be.
A few people who have tried to contact us since Angus was born, I have already made up my mind about and I have ignored them. Too little, too late. They can't just avoid the bad stuff then sail back in to our lives for the good stuff. They might want to meet Angus, but as far as I'm concerned, they don't deserve to. If they didn't mourn Hope, they can't celebrate him with us. It certainly does make the Christmas card list that bit shorter, but I know for every person that has exited my life since Hope died and was born, several new friends met here have entered it. And although those friendships are new, somewhat unorthodox and not at all what I'm used to, I know they are real and far more meaningful at this stage of my life.
So with several people now appearing back in our lives again, giving us plenty of interesting situations figuring out who to respond to and who to ignore, it seems I have made somewhat of a reappearance here in this space. My chubby bubby is six weeks old today and while it seems his fussiness is peaking right at this time, I am miraculously finding myself with a bit of time of an evening to get some of these thoughts out of my head. So watch this space for the other posts that tumble out of my mind and on to the screen over the coming days/weeks. And for the time being, I'll keep trying to figure out which of my disappearing friends I have the time or energy for anymore.
Wild Garden Questions
1 day ago
.jpg)
I can imagine being exactly the same Sal.
ReplyDeleteSo many people have just given up on me and I don't think I will want them back if/when we become parents to a living baby.
xxx
I'm still sorting it out. There are very few people I've written off, but it is just recently, two years since Henry died, a year since Kathleen was born, that I'm really starting to try to reconnect with some people. And it is a slow process. I sent out tentative feelers earlier in some cases and then realized I just didn't have the energy for it. Keep taking space now if you need it. People who are worth having in your life will get it if you resurface later.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's a tough one. I recall it well. One of my friends (and we were working on a consulting project at the time) basically dropped off the face of the earth, later gave some lame and hurtful excuse (along the lines of "I couldn't deal with it"--Huh? And I could??) and it was awkward from that point on. We went our separate ways after the job was done.
ReplyDeleteGo with your instinct...your heart will tell you who you want to welcome back into your new life and who you don't have time for. And there's nothing wrong with saying goodbye to them either...
Well said, Sally. Thing is, for all those who disappeared on us, there are many who managed to both give us space and support us at the same time. Those are the true friends, the ones who knew we needed to hear we were loved and supported, even if waking up each day was all we could manage.
ReplyDeleteA new baby doesn't make everything okay, and I completely agree that if you didn't support us, mourn with us when our baby died, you don't get to celebrate the one who lived.
Sending you love, my new amazing friend. And to your big chubby boy and sweet angel girl. And to Simon, too.
I know what you mean. I've had people trying to friend me on facebook and you just know they are looking for a chance to say congratulations... only if they did I would be so angry with them because they didn't have the decency to even acknowledge the birth and death of my last child. I'm not sure I can ever forgive that.
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to Sal. It's not your job to make pther people feel better about their shitty behaviour. I have a bog problem with letting people think they are better friends/family than they really are.
Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts. More pics of your chubby bub please!!!!
I sometimes wonder if applications for reinstatement as friends might be helpful - partly to let people know what they're getting into and partly so we could see if what these old friends really want is for things to go back to "normal."
ReplyDeleteSix weeks is amazing, and it's good to hear your voice here.
six weeks!, well time to go back to work - oh wait, you live in one of those socialized countries.... boohoo U.S. anyways.
ReplyDeletewell, let's see - how expensive is the present they are bringing? That might be how I decide, since some people treated such a big thing like my baby's death so arbitrarily- maybe we just need to be arbitrary back. And drama - that's a big negative.
But yeah, lots of people dropped off the face of the earth around here too - but I find I don't miss them.
fairweather friends...
sounds like you are managing it just fine.
oh - i did want to say too (ugh preggo brain) - I guess if some people contact you and you are interested, you could always say to them how it made you feel when they weren't there for you - and judge their future presence in your life based on their response. ? (let me know how that works out for you!!)
ReplyDeleteYeah I am was so happy when I clicked the link and it was a new post -
ReplyDeleteI do NOT know your pain.
I do NOT know you.
I do NOT and could not imagine what you are feeling or going through.
I DO know that I pray for you daily (and I am not a church person)
I DO know that I pray and think of Hope all the time.
I DO think about you and your husband several times a week
I do NOT know why I came attached - no idea - but I did and for whatever reason it did make me "talk" to God - so Thank you for that - Thank you for opening your life and making me what to make my life better! Thank you Sally!
I hope I don't come across as weird or stalkerish I just feel deeply that I am supposed to show you support - hope I don't bother you.
I can't remember how I found your blog nor can I remember if I ever posted. If I have not, congrats on Angus.
ReplyDeleteI have been working on the right thing to say in my head to you for the past few days (since I read your post just before this one) and i realized...there is no right thing to say.
I can't say I have been in your situation before but I can say I do know what you are talking about. My sister's oldest (my first nephew) lived for 6 days on life support. She was not the one to make the decision to take him off of it and while it seems I have not been in your shoes, I am very close to my sister and I awaited Kyle's arrival like it was my own first child.
Anyway, my point....my sister and her husband disconnected many friends since that day 11+ years ago. She will completely agree with you that if you couldn't be there to mourn the first child, you don't get to celebrate the second. It's what you have to do. Don't consider it anger, don't get over it, don't do anything YOU don't want to do. Just live. Live with Hope [in your heart]. Live FOR Angus. Enjoy every moment of his fussiness. It will end....I promise.
Goodluck and I can't wait to read more from you.
Please, give that cute baby boy a squeeze from this side of the world for my family.
~Cheryl
I don't think people really get it. They don't get how horribly wrong it is to walk away from someone, or turn away and never come back. I have so many friends and family the blew it. And I'm not ready to let those people back in either. I don't know if I ever will.
ReplyDeleteI'm newly pregnant - - 7 weeks now, and boy am I INSANE. I knew it would be bad... but this bad????
I am so glad you are enjoying your sweetest little one!!
You'll know in your heart who to welcome back into your life and who to let go. When my grandmother passed away, I had one friend who sent me a beautiful card and let me know she'd be there when I was ready. And she was. Another "friend" completely blew it off, like it never happened. Never even said, "I'm sorry." Guess which friend is still in my life?
ReplyDeleteMy point is, you don't owe the people who abandoned you anything. And the people who were giving you loving support from a distance...you know in your gut who they are.
totally understandable - I think I would feel the same after having a live baby -with some not acknowledging the ones in between. I ahve already decided on the annoucement card, if I get a chance to send one again- it will loudly acknowledge ALL of my children -dead and alive.
ReplyDeleteyou do what you need to Sally. Life is too precious to waste on including those who only want to be there for the good bits.
the fussy stage does pass- and 6 wks does seem to be a real fussy time for many babes...bleh-remember that!....enjoy chubby angus- thinking of you oftenxx
I'm with ya chun.. take the expensive gifts and run. haha. seriously though. ahem.
ReplyDeleteher idea about telling them how they hurt you is good too. one of my true friends (she's proved it with her support) told me that the ones who REALLY care, i could tell them to "F-off" and they wouldnt. they would keep coming back. so if someone really cares for you, they can take the heat. if not, outta the kitchen they go.
glad for you to reappear. and six weeks!? wow. it goes much faster when they are living than when they've died, no? i'm so sorry that Hope isnt stumbling around behind you and Angus, her sweet little 16 month old feet not quite steady yet.
I am in the same boat. It's amazing, people are coming out of the woodwork. We're heading to my hometown in a couple of days and look out- they're going to swarm me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I haven't figured it out either. But having people fawn over Adam that didn't acknowledge that there ever was a Charlotte, well, that just makes me mad.
If you come up with anything good, let me know.
SO TRUE!!! I decided early on to just make the break clean. I honestly tell folks that it hurt me that they couldnt support us in our grief but want to be part of our sunshine days... And that I dont have the energy.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, we do have quite a number who have been with us the whole way. And that makes breaking company with the ones who chose not be a part of our real life a little easier.