I have felt a bit odd this month. And for a while there, I couldn't put my finger on why.
Then bam, it hits you.
The dates are lining up again. Friday the 15th, Saturday the 16th, Sunday the 17th, Monday the 18th, Tuesday the 19th....
She died on a Monday the 18th. She was born on a Tuesday the 19th. We left her body at the hospital and came home without her on a Wednesday the 20th.
17 months ago.
I can hardly believe it.
When can I stop pausing to mourn the month anniversaries? Truth be told, I haven't really done it since the big one, her first birthday. Is it even allowed, all these months on? Surely I am only allowed to be melancholy on the 19th of August from now on? Surely that is the only acceptable way to grieve, in the eyes of the disapproving public. If I tried to tell someone now I am sad because it is an anniversary, they would probably say an anniversary for what? People don't remember like I do anymore, but I guess I can hardly blame them. Seventeen months is a fucking long time.
Time marches on. Angus grows and thrives. Hope is still dead. I sit at the hairdresser and look at celebrity babies the same age as she would be and I am stunned. Speechless. Shocked. I can't possibly imagine having a little girl that big. I can't possibly imagine what she would be like, who she would take after, what she would like, dislike. How she would sound. How warm the cuddles would be.
I can't even imagine.
17 months on. And somehow, I'm still here. Another new little person is also here. But she is not.
17 months.
Wow.
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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I am hearing you Sally. We have a 1st Birthaday to go to in a few weeks and I am not sure how either of us will cope. We avoid everything to do with 1 yr olds right now.. just hurts too much.
ReplyDeleteSophie would be so big now. Hope would be causing so much trouble :)
I am praying for you! I can't imagine the pain and questions you have.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar feeling of shock looking at a baby who would be able the same age as Lachlan now. He was so big, and so different to the little baby that Lachlan was. Remembering hope with you.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Sal.
ReplyDeletePraying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI can't go there. Can't see Jordan beyond what she was when she died.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you've having a rough time Sally. I know it feels wrong to grieve like that when we have our rainbow babies, but my god it still hurts...
*hugs*
xx
I know I haven't reached a year but I still count the months. Tuesdat the 16th we found out she was dead. Wednesday the 17th I delivered her. There's a lot of things that I wonder how long they will bother me. At least you know we will mourn the months with you as long as you want. I hope that counts for something. PS - I can't see/say/write/hear the word "hope" without thinking of your Hope. I want you to know she will always be in my heart.
ReplyDeletexo
Ashley
Sally you have given me so much insight as to the emotional aspect of having a baby after loss. I have spent much time thinking about this very thing lately, about how difficult it is because a new baby does not "replace" the one who died. There are so many angel moms pregnant right now and although I know that a new baby brings promise and hope for tomorrow, it doesn't diminish the pain or love for the one who is gone. I understand now completely and know that no matter how fiercely you love Angus, his life will never replace Hope. Finding the balance inbetween loving and missing her and loving and having him must be so gutwrenching some days. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings on this with us. In my opinion, it's nobody's business but your own how you grieve Hope and remember her. If you wish to count the months, the hours, the minutes you've been without her then the disapproving public can kindly sod off. Who are they to tell us mothers how to miss our children, when to let go? Sending you hugs
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I wonder what I would be doing with a 17 month old? I wonder what this 17 month old would be doing, talking, saying mama yet? It hurts to stop and ponder those things, but missing them hurts even worse.
ReplyDeletesending you lots of love today
I have an online friend whose son's birthday is the exact same day as my C.'s. He's 6 and a half years old. It hurts to look at his photos sometimes. I'm reminded of Beth Powning's description of Tate, growing along, unseen, with Jacob in Shadow Child. For Powning, Tate's always older, always there. Like C. is for us. The big sister always at the periphery of our lives. I wonder sometimes what she would have been like at age 6. Like her 5 year old sister? Talkative? Precocious? Too clever for her own good? LOL. Or maybe a personality more like her little brother...laid back, quietly empathetic, inquisitive?
ReplyDeleteAs for anniversaries...any and all. I still think of November not only as my living daughter's birthday but as the month when C. first entered our lives.
Yesterday, when I was feeling miserable, I couldn't believe that Alice died in 2008 and its now 2010 - it just seems so long ago but its not. The further along I get here the more stark and vivid those 2 days at the hospital become.
ReplyDelete17 months. Shit. 17 long months. So much as happened. I can't believe that we don't all fall apart permanently. How we all go on amazes me sometimes.
xxx
Sally, I hear you. I still remember every 19th. And some sundays are hard as well. Thinking of you and our Aug19 babes! (Hug) xx
ReplyDeleteMuch love Sally, I wish I had something to say that would help. 17 months. It doesn't feel that long ago to me somehow. I wonder what our girls would have been like. I wonder. xo
ReplyDeleteI just think like some days, some months and anniversaries hit you. Seventeen seems innocuous enough, but then when you really think of it, none of them are. They are all markers of time without our babies...and that is always a time to mourn. xo
ReplyDeleteShe will always be present in her absence.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll always be missing Hope with you Sal. 17 months or 17 years.
xxx
I had the same thing last week except with 20 months in my case.
ReplyDeleteLove you Sal x
For me, the month markers are like a giant clocking ticking. Tick, tick, tick, another month farther from who we once were, and the life that was planned, the child that should be a part of today.
ReplyDeleteThe months where the dates align, IMO are impossibly hard, because you can transport your life right back in time to those days, the events that lead up to the death.
Our next date alignment month comes in April, and I'll be 38 weeks 2 days pregnant with this babe, on the same day of the week and month that Rose died..at 38 weeks and 2 days.
I gotta feel that this is cruel coincidence is the universes way of forcing us to take action to ensure this little babe stays safe, when it was inaction that led to Rose's death.
it is so strange the way time has moved forward without our babies. other ones growing into toddlers, new babies being born and growing. while hope and lev are forever new borns that we never really got to know.
ReplyDeletei am here with you sally. 17 months, 17 years. we will always miss our first babies. and we are 'allowed' to grieve however and whenever, forever.
thinking of hope and lev today and everyday
xoxo
I am with you, Sally. I have to see my niece and nephews occasionally who were born within weeks of Kara's death. DH & I always imagine Kara there bossing them all around at 19 months. I suppose it will always be this way. Time marches on and our babies will always be tiny little babies in our memories, but we will always imagine how they would have been at various ages. xxoo
ReplyDeleteThe 19th. I always think if er, of you on the 19th.
ReplyDeletexxx
I too watch my nephew and wonder what it would be like to have Lukas here and have them playing. My nephew being 6 months older. They would have been a very cute twosome. Yet, I can only watch one of them grow.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself that question... When "should" I stop making a vocal note of the monthly days. But I just cant. I told myself at one year... Then I told myself at 2 years. We are coming upon that 2nd year and I cant comprehend not remembering out loud.
ReplyDelete17 months. A lifetime and a blink of an eye.
ReplyDeleteWe're here, listening, nodding, trying to help. Sending you love.
"But she is not." Breaks my heart, Sally. It's definitely worse when the dates align with the actual days. Love and big hugs to you, my friend.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDeleteit seems like the aftershocks never cease.
Belated coming by to say I've thought of Hope a lot this week - another Tuesday's child, like Emma. Still honouring her with you Sally.
ReplyDeletei too noticed the dates. Leila died on friday the 15th, was born on the 16th, left at the hospital on the 17th, and had her memorial service on the 21st. the 15th and 16th, and fridays and saturdays always bring melancholy. what a way to start the weekend, huh? *sigh*
ReplyDeletesending you big hugs.
xo christy
Thanks for this poignant post, Hope's Mama. Who knows what's allowed or not allowed in terms of grieving, or how to do it or when, or what pattern it follows. I really love this post because it reflects how confounded I feel when I think about my own Zach's death - over 2 years ago - and how crystal clear the days of his departure still are in my mind, even as I look forward to this new baby on the way.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on Hope's 17-month anniversary of her dirthday.
thats the hard thing, every day is an anniversary of sorts of what is missing in our lives without our little ones. i wish i had answers for you. just know that while 17 months is a long time, you will never stop remembering her. she is always with you. if you want to reflect and remember you should. to h*ll with what other people think. they are not you.
ReplyDeleteremembering with you always.
loved your poem on 365 by the way.
just a note to let you know i miss your posts xx
ReplyDelete