Watching and waiting

I know most of this is probably in my head, but I do feel we are sometimes judged by random people out there for some of our parenting choices with Angus.

Mostly I think this has to do with our co-sleeping habits which stems from Angus being unsettled and hard to put down to sleep anywhere. The fact is, Angus much prefers to sleep while being held.

And I know good and well, this comes from Angus never being put down in his first four days on earth while we were in hospital. And from us holding him almost non stop in the first weeks at home. When in hospital, one midwife asked us if we wanted a break and if she could take Angus to the nursery for us for a few hours so we could get some sleep. I looked at this woman as if she'd just arrived in our room on a tricycle from Mars. In my post-birth fog, I thought I'd never heard anything so crazy in all my life and I promptly told her "no thanks". I didn't want anyone taking my baby from me. I didn't want a break. I was happy to keep on holding him without ever wanting to put him down.

And can you blame us? Really? We had a baby we had to give back. A baby we never got to really hold. We had to hand her over to hospital staff, turn our backs and walk away. Never to hold her again. Never to see her again. Only to put her in a tiny white box and bury her six days later. Can anyone really blame us for wanting to hold Angus a little bit longer? For wanting to give him just one more cuddle? For rocking him to sleep and always going to him to pick him up when he cries? We're just doing what feels right and being there for Angus to hold and love him at all times feels very right. We are his parents. We know what is best.

There is something else though, with wanting to have him close. And that's so I can watch him and make sure he isn't dead. Yep, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I thought I was doing ok with my fears now that he's earthside, but the truth is, I am terrified. Now that we almost have his wind pain under control (almost, almost) he is taking more naps, and for longer and not always in our arms. And I find I spend most of the time panicked that he's slipped away in his sleep. And it is silly, really. As I know the odds. I know that tragic fate is highly unlikely. I have waffled on about those stats enough here - I'm 10 times more likely to have a stillborn baby than to lose a baby to SIDS, but still, I worry.

If he's propped up on our chest, nestled in our arms, between us in the bed or strapped to us in the sling, it is much easier to check on him and make sure he's still with us. To feel his heart pounding, to see his chest rise and fall and to hear his cute baby grunting noises he makes in his sleep.

When he is asleep in the pram or basinette (which is really not all that often) I find myself up and down a dozen times each hour to look in on him and if I'm not careful, this often ends up waking him up if I get too close or accidentally bump him, so then we're right back to being unsettled all over again. I have no idea how I shake a fear like this. It is real and I can't see it going away any time soon. And even if it does, when he gets a bit bigger, I know I'll have something else to be worried about. I'm sure this is part and parcel of being a mother, but I feel being a babyloss mother, it is a bit more pronounced. We've had it happen once. We know how bad it can get. And the fear is palpable.

These people who are judging us, because I'm pretty sure they're out there, probably have never had a baby who was hard to settle. Their babies probably fed then nodded right back off to sleep, like perfect little angels. And I'm sure, they also never had a baby die. So they have no idea why I am parenting the way I am. They have no idea how hard it has been to have had the start to parenting I had.

It is easy for other people to assume they know what is best. But they don't know my baby. They don't know what he likes and doesn't like. And they certainly don't know what it is like to be me. Sad, worried, babylost me.