If I can be honest here for a moment, there are a lot of bloggers out there who I wonder why they don't read here.
I try not to waste too much time and energy on it, as I'm sure there are just many bloggers out there who wonder why I don't read them. But I do think about it though, and sometimes I worry. It can all get a bit like high school here at times, but I'd hate to think things I'd said i the past had really upset someone enough to not read here. My intention has certainly never been to do that. I come here to connect and to be understood. To share and to mourn my baby with others who have done what I've done - said goodbye to a child well before their time.
I tell you, it is a funny world I now live in, in this grieving corner of the internet. Who'da thought there were so many rules to blogging? So much blogging etiquette? It makes my head hurt. No wonder I was so hesitant in starting this blog in the first place.
The truth is, we're not always going to connect with everyone and all the stories out there. And that's ok. Because we don't in real life either. That's what keeps the world spinning. We're all so different.
I know I have a lot of readers and followers and for the most part if overwhelms me. Sometimes it even scares me. Other times, I find it hilarious that so many people would want to read about my rather uninteresting life. I'm sure there are many more reading than are stopping by to leave comments as well, as evidenced by my stats. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the train wreck factor. Lots of people want to stop by and see how the crazy lady is doing. Make sure she hasn't thrown herself off a bridge yet, you know.....
I also read a lot of blogs and leave a lot of comments. Most days that happens before, during or just after breakfast. I tell ya, I'm nothing if not dedicated! But I have been cutting back of late. There are only so many hours in the day and sometimes, I feel like I only have so much love to give.
I heard someone else say our losses can almost make us TOO compassionate. Because each sad story breaks our already shattered heart all over again. And at some point on our journey, we reach a point where we can't do it anymore. Maybe we're busy with other children. Maybe we're growing new babies. Maybe trying to conceive is taking up all our time, energy and resources. Or maybe sometimes, it all gets too hard. So we have to step back. I don't see anything wrong with that. We each have our own life to live.
The same person also alluded to the fact we often find it easier to follow and support those in our "class". I make no secret about the fact the bloggers I feel closest to are those who had similar experiences to me or experienced a loss around the same time. The loss mamas of July-Dec 2008. Or those who lost firstborns. Or those who lost their babies at fullterm to stillbirth. Or those who lost little girls. Or those who live near me. They ways we can connect and find similarities are endless, really.
When Hope died, I lost so much more than just my baby. I lost all the experiences that were supposed to come with motherhood. I like to think of my blogger friends as the mother's group I never got. While some bloggers will always be just that - bloggers (just with very sad stories) others I am proud to say I can now call my friends. And that's a pretty cool thing to come out of this awful mess that was her death. I'll take any positives I can get at this point.
When I follow blogs and leave comments, I'm not seeking out more readers of my own, eg I don't leave comments to get comments. I leave a comment because a post touched me, a person needs support or sometimes - I just find something funny! This part of the blog world isn't always about loss, and for that I'm grateful as the sadness can get oppressive, especially once you move further away from that "worst day of your life". I know there are people in my real life who probably worry about me reading so many sad stories. They worry that I'm drowning myself in the sadness of others when sometimes I can barely stay afloat in my own. But these blogs aren't always about the heavy grief and sadness. There is much beauty to be found as well. I need the love, the light and sometimes - the humour. Grief is not linear, nor is it black and white. So much of what we share is similar but there is just as much that is not. That's what keeps it interesting. That's what keeps me coming back for more. The similarities and the differences.
I try to sign up to follow all the blogs written by those who follow me, but sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes I sign up. Then I un-follow again for a while. Then I might tune back in. Then I might stop again. There is no rhyme or reason for it really, it just is what it is. My blog list is an ever-evolving beast and no two days are ever really the same.
I also notice people coming and going from my space a lot. And I get that, I really do. Especially because of where I'm at now. Pregnant. And reasonably happy with life and becoming more confident about the prospect of a more joyous future that lays ahead. I know sometimes that is probably too much for people, and I could never be angry at anyone for that. I would never question why someone might chose to stop reading here. It is a free world. We don't end up finishing every book we start to read or movie we start to watch. Sometimes we find it is not for us, or we just lose interest. Or we simply don't like the subject matter. Or like I said before, it all gets too hard. I sure as hell know my blog has probably got too hard for someone at some point, as I've spent my fair share of days in the pit feeling angry, bitter and like a big fat green-eyed monster. But this has been a difficult journey. My loss was huge. Devastating. Just as they all are.
My point is though, I can't make apologies for who I read and who I don't read. And in the same breath, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read here either. The very first line of this post mentions being honest, and that is something I have always tried to pride myself on here. When and where ever possible, I call it as I see it. And if people don't like it, well I'm afraid that's just bad luck.
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I get you Sal :)
ReplyDeleteFollowing everyone's blogs is impossible. I struggle with that all the time.
You are beautiful xxx
dropped my aptop and ca't comment propery argggg..gong to get fxed!!! ove te post..
ReplyDeleteouxxx
I struggle as well to leave comments.
ReplyDeleteI feel that i want to be there to support everyone i can but sometimes it's just impossible.
I love reading your blog. But if you didn't read mine I'd understand totally. My journey is so different to yours, though I like to think I bring a bit of sunshine to the table with my blogging (mostly)
ReplyDeleteLately, I've been wondering about blogging etiquette. Maybe we should start a blog about it? ;)
And for the comment leaving, well each to their own. Sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm hopeless! hugs xxx
Hi Sally
ReplyDeletethis is a great post and like Seraphim i love reading your blog. I am new to blogging (both reading and writing) and i too have struggled to understand what the etiquette is and "whether i am doing it right". I have just a few followers and i wonder about my posts and how they land in the worlds of others too.Particularly if i write something happy and positive and i know it is going to be read by someone who is struggling. I guess it comes back to the question of why we are writing....for ourselves, for an audience and sometimes all those varied expectations will just not match up...and as you say that's ok. Thanks for putting this out there. Perhaps we need a blogging etiquette 101?? :)
Glad you find yourself in a relatively good place right now as you await the arrival of Thumper.
hugs, suz xx
Impressive post with beautiful, truthful words. Honesty is always appreciated.
ReplyDeleteoh sally, I have to be honest too. If I had a way to write this to you privately, I would, but I dont know how. You are one of the first blogs I started reading after my baby died. Because you are so popular, it was easy to be led to your blog because it's posted and followed EVERYWHERE. when the rugby player's baby died, Louisa suggested your blog as one of the tops to read. when I was emailing with Carly the other day after she sent me my photo, I felt like I was emailing with a rockstar.. someone famous.. and I feel that way about you too. I quote you all the time.. I've been calling myself a green eyed monstor and the luckiest unlucky girl I know. Part of why I relate to you is the very reasons you mentioned.. although a year apart (for you, last summer, for me, this summer), I lost a baby girl, my firstborn, died before she was born, at full term, a total shock, as she was totally healthy. I would count myself lucky if you read my blog, but i know there are just too many and i understand that you probably dont. I have chosen a few to follow and I dont really have time to follow anymore. but I *DO* love following the fullterm firstborn healthy stillbirth daughters. we are all mothers stuck deep in grief as a consequence for the great love we have for our children, and that unites us all, but that category is just easiest to relate to. I have been told to be careful reading these blogs every day, and often I do have to take a few days break from them. people say not to add so much sadness to my own.. but the whole point is.. THERE IS HOPE (NO PUN INTENDED!). you're pregnant.. you're doing it again, and you're making it! I *LONG* to be intimate with that. i *NEED* that.. so thanks for being there, from the bottom of my broken heart, which i believe was also your words.
ReplyDeleteBeth, you are too cute!
ReplyDeleteSal, you rock. Great post. I wish I'd written it.
xx
Aw Beth. I completely agree. I get a bit star-struck too! I think it is because I admire some other bloggers so much, not only their writing but their honesty and their kindness. It is like a lil visit from royalty when you actually 'speak' to them directly.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was some sort of blog etiquette code, some black and white rules to follow. I read, and comment on, quite a lot of blogs but I would hate for anyone to feel obliged to read my half baked ramblings because I had left a comment on their blog. I frequently contemplate a move back to reading and commenting only instead of writing. But then I feel like I have removed the 'right to reply' and that I am greedily eating up everyone else's experiences without returning the favour.
I am going to have cut back on either writing or reading because I'm going back to work soon and there aren't enough hours in the day. I also feel that if I try and follow too many people, I don't have the appropriate level of investment. I'm not paying enough 'attention' to their thoughts, to the children that this particular writer is missing. If that makes any sense at all!
But I will certainly be here reading Sally, for as long as you choose to write. xo
Being authentic about when and where you give your support and love is important. I am privileged to read many blogs for LFCA, and I am always surprised who goes where. Somehow we connect with people, and the ones we don't connect do find their community...even though I try to comment often I go through periods where nothing I say sounds comforting. Or someone's early pain is just too overwhelming. Like brain cannot return to that place of horror...but I will echo what others have said, Sally. You are a great gift to this community. You bridge so many people, send and support so many people from new people to people who have been here for years. Your compassion has defined you in this community.
ReplyDeleteJust be honest. You have proven that gives the world a great gift. With much love.
I agree whole-heartedly. It's not dissimilar to the bereaved parents group I attend in real life - we're bonded by our common experience of loss but some connections go deeper because some experiences overlap more than others. I sometimes "hit" someone else's blogroll - to see what they read that I don't. Sometimes, I find a blog that I feel like I "need" to follow. More often these days, my heart just breaks that there are SO many of us.
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to become self-conscious but I hope you never do Sal because I value your honesty (and your friendship) so much.
ReplyDeletexx
I usually really like commenting because I like it when other bloggers pick my brain and make it work in a different direction, or make me think of something I hadn't already. I guess I often come to it thinking of it more than just "leaving support." Lately I've just been really effin' busy, and my blogroll is suffering (as is my writing) and need to get caught up. Like you though, I really don't have an agenda about whom I read or who reads me. It's all good.
ReplyDeleteAgreeing totally with unwritten blogging rules. I can't figure them out!
ReplyDeletelove to you Sally....
ReplyDeletexoxo
I always get you, and relate to you even though you aren't in my "class"! Still, we seem to lead parallel lives on the opposite ends of the earth...xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think you touch many more lives than you realize. There are so many similarities between our stories, and so so many differences. I have not conceived again, I am still swirling most days, but that is where blogs like yours come in to play for me... they show me that a special brand of happiness after loss can be possible. You recently wrote "I can't help but feel a weight lifted today. Yes the fear, worry and anxiety is still there, right below the surface, but today I dare to have faith. And believe all will be well in the season of new Hope. How can I not when I look at the sunshine, hear the new birds and see the colour of my garden in full bloom today?"
ReplyDeleteThis is something I can believe in, that there is that glimmer in the future that things will feel better than they do now. Not perfect, not without the loss of our babies, but better even to the point of once again finding beauty in life.
Sometimes I read things but don't comment because I am not at a point in my journey yet where I can relate to them... other times a line or phrase resonates with me and I have to let the writer know that, like when you said "When Hope died, I lost so much more than just my baby. I lost all the experiences that were supposed to come with motherhood. I like to think of my blogger friends as the mother's group I never got." That is such a perfect and appropriate way to describe my view on the baby loss blog community too. Please keep writing and offering your special brand of honesty.
Reading blogs and writing my blog is my time with Akul and my time to grieve. I do so many things that have nothing to do with my child all day - ofcourse he is a part of all I do but not the focus. So I keep aside an hour or two each day to come here and spend time with my memories of my baby and read any blog that helps me connect with him. I too have reached teh point where I know I cannot follow more blogs than I do already. But the ones I do follow, I do sincerely.
ReplyDeleteSally - beautiful post! Ditto to everything.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing....you touch so many.
I'll be honest...I follow a few blogs that don't follow or even read mine i'm sure. Yours is one of them, oddly enough 2 of the ladies who commented here are ones as well. Does it hurt? Of course it does. I write from my heart, I write about my baby boys. I write about how loosing them has affected my live, forever. How it has changed me. I comment on posts that touch me or like you, I feel that I just need to reach out to. Someone who just might need an extra hug one day. I don't do it to get more readers, I couldn't care less if I had none. I guess it just hurts to the core that my baby boys haven't touched the lives of others. Not about me, but them. No two stories are alike, even if they were similar they are not the same. The end result is the same though, Momma's who no longer have their babies. Momma's who have buried their children, and forever said goodbye. I've e-mailed people with my personal story, maybe to reach out to them, maybe to have some support (not for my blog, just personally) and never hear from them. That hurts too. Either way, I continue to read and follow your blog and others, even if they don't do the same with my story, my blog.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, all that matters is how you feel. Where you are at your point in grief, healing and living your life. You don't need to defend that to anyone.
It actually makes me giggle to think of our little community like highschool. If we are in highschool, Sally, I've got to tell you, you are totally one of the cool kids :) hehe
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest, I don't think I've ever posted with the hopes of attracting particular readers, but, it did please me on some level when I discovered you were reading. Partly because if this is high school, I'm only in the 9th grade and you're like a really popular senior, but mainly because I really admire you. Your eloquence, your honesty, your perspective. I was flattered when you were interested in what it was I had to say. This is true for other women too.
I also feel as though I connect with you because of our similarities (our ages, stillbirth, first born daughter). But similarities aside, from what I have gathered about you through reading your posts and comments, I think IRL I would really like you. And again, there are certain other women I feel this way about too, with some of whom I share few similarities. I like to think that if I met any of you IRL we would be fast friends. So it means something to me when particular people follow and comment because, I guess, it feels like my feelings of friendship are being reciprocated.
BUT, I don't expect anyone to read or comment when I write (not that I don't appreciate all comments, I do). Even if you, and these particular other women, aren't reading me, I'm still going to be reading you.
I mean, we're not in highschool anymore, and I hope most of us have since figured out that popularity is not all its cracked up to be. I also think we all need to remember why we are here. We have all lost one or more children. We are all grieving. Grief is a journey, with stages or cycles. At different times we are going to need different things from one another and sometimes we are going to be able to give more of ourselves than we can at other times. We are also all busy, living in the real world.
Personally, as of late I've found myself gravitating to the blogs of women I consider to be my beacons, or role models, on this journey. Women like yourself, who have held on to hope and who are currently in "good" places (good of course being relative). I feel like I have to insulate myself a bit from all the sadness and anger. I'm trying to work through my own sadness and anger and right now I don't think it is helpful or healthy for me to take in more.
I was feeling guilty for not reading certain blogs, or not leaving comments, because I do want to be a good friend, and offer my love and support. I'm certainly not thinking that anyone would be flattered by receiving my comments, and conversely would be hurt when they aren't left (if we're in highschool, I'm just not that cool), but I don't like the idea that people are in dark places, needing support, and I'm just turning away.
But, thanks to you, and your insightful post, I've reflected a little more and I'm feeling a bit better about things. It's not that I don't care and don't want to be supportive. I'm just grieving and I need to take care of me. I also need to spend some more time IRL! So thanks Sally!
PS - Love the new pic of baby boy. Cute, cute! So exciting to see him :)
I too struggle with my own filter. I wonder if I should be writing things because I really don't know who's reading. But then what would the purpose of the blog be?
ReplyDeleteIt saddens me to see that Mirne and Craig's blog is down....I wish that there weren't people that made us feel wrong for our shitty situations. No one asked to have these feelings or to lose their children. It just happened, and this us simple just how we feel.
I am one of the people who stops by all the time but never comments. Simmilar to what you said, I follow so many that I only post usually when I have something really important to say. I lost my firstborn son Evan on December 24th, 2007 at 42 weeks gestation, he died of asphixiation, we think, in early labour. It took 17 months to move on and try again, we are now expecting a little girl in January. I am terrified of lossing another and so following as many pregnancy after blogs I can get my hands on so I don't feel alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so glad to know you, Sally. One of the wonderful things about blogging in this community is that, through sharing our own stories, we find others who understand and support us, and who make us think in new ways. Sending love.
ReplyDeletei am with you sally. i think our blogs are for us. others can read mine or not. and lately i don't think too many people really do read mine. but then there are my real life friends and family out there too. and that is all ok. and there is no way we can follow every blog. that would mean we would be at the computer 24/7 and that doesn't sound too healthy. i really only follow a few and mostly of moms like you who lost their first around the same time as me. and i value all the comments i get, all the babylost mamas out there in this community. i like that this is our moms group. and so glad we found each other! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis is such a good post. Almost all of these thoughts have passed through my head at some point. I almost posted a question the other day-like, if I find a blog, and comment on it, and then they never comment back-am I supposed to leave that blog alone? So, do they not want me to post? It's so confusing. I know that my blog is for me-but each time I get a comment, my heart leaps a little. I am amazed at what love I can feel through a few typewritten words.
ReplyDeleteI think you do a great job. I think you are amzing.
I love the honesty here and I understand what you are saying. Really, I agree with most of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're traveling to a more joyous place.
I will be so happy to see the pictures of your new little boy. That will give me hope..xo
Lindsay
Oh my love, just because we read and don't comment doesn't necessarily mean we're uncaring or doing the "train wreck" thing. Sometimes words are just not enough. I empathise, although I have never been in that dark place you never imagined was even a remote possibility that you would find yourself. I read because I care. Some people will say they know how you feel, although, to my mind, if you haven't gone through the experience, that's just not possible. You can imagine what it would be like, but you don't really know unless you've been there. Even if they have, everyone's experience is different and personal and you deal with it in your own way. I don't want to say the "C" word to you, but my heart is with you and am holding my breath... I can't imagine your pain, but, as I said, I do empathise (I hope that that's acceptable to you?)and, although I have no right, I can't wait to hear updates of your progress, and although you don't know me, and whether it makes any difference, I think of you daily and send my love x
ReplyDeleteSomething you said really hit me. That the blogger friends who know are the mothers group that I never connected with. That is oh so true. I wanted that connection so much; I never dreamed how I would find it.
ReplyDeleteLouisa's comment made me laugh out loud. I do hope she gets her aptop fxed soon!
ReplyDeleteNodding my head here Sal. I'm here because my son died and I don't want to feel alone. Grief is a big scary place.
I can't be doing with rules though, apart from one, be nice or step away. Oh and I won't even mention the grief olympics (oops) which always get me reaching for the little red x.
I have a big list of blogs on my site, perhaps if you don't feel a connection to my words you might find one elsewhere. I don't mind if you follow or un-follow or read or not. Comments are nice as they make me feel understood and not entirely loopy.
(Not you as in YOU though, I'd miss your train wreck passing by mine.)
xxx
Sally, I am always amazed by how often you comment, both on my blog and on others I read. I feel limited in what I read sometimes by time and sometimes by emotional strength. I've been trying to comment more, because I realize I like to hear from people, but sometimes I feel at a loss for words or I find myself stumbling over them or I wish I could just reach out and give a hug or a hand squeeze or have a good cry with the person. I'm glad to have met you and will continue to read and am so hopeful for happy news in a few months.
ReplyDeleteSally, I've thought about this a lot too. In some ways, I feel like I've limited the number of blogs I read, so that I can be significantly attentive and engaged. It's hard, though.
ReplyDeleteI love reading you, probably because so much of it feels like it could come from me.
xo
Great post, Hope's Mama. I think a lot of people out there, including myself, can relate to this one. I think blogging is inherently a bit uncomfortable for many of us, because when you write a blog, it's such a one-way, lopside conversation. A monologue, really: writer talks, readers listen. This mode of operation just feels wrong somehow. For me, I like to persuse others' blogs for two main reasons: one is to keep the blog-o-discourse, in some cosmic way, more balanced. That is: more two-way, more naturally conversation-like, more give-and-take. It just makes me feel less attention starved or something. Second, I do it because- honestly- there are people I like to check in on. Pregnant people, mostly. I like to if they're OK, and make sure I"m in the know if they're not OK. It gets hard to keep track sometimes, but I try when I can. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI read you because you are an amazing person. It never even crossed my mind that you should be reading my blog and leaving comments. I mean, how does it even matter anyway??!
ReplyDeleteThe thing that matters is that you are writing your feelings, and we read and feel inspired. I know I am.
Hugs
Childwoman~
I follow many blogs that don't follow me. We all have our own reasons for following, and for ceasing following and I don't think it is about the train wreck so much. I don't comment often here as I feel my situation was quite different to yours - akin to the bonding thing you mentioned - and also my loss was a while ago now (5 years) so my journey is at a different stage.
ReplyDeleteBut I did start following here to see how you go with your journey with your new baby. My second baby came really quickly after I lost my first and I can relate to you in that way. For me it was both good and bad having them so close.
I think you wrote a very succinct and eloquent post about the intricacies of blogging, it really does need it's own etiquette code.
So I hope you don't mind if I keep reading and lurking. It's not to be a voyeur as such but mentally wishing you through this pregnancy to a healthy baby. Take care xxx
I wish I had the time to read every single blog and comment, but I just don't. I read scads more than I comment on - usually in the wee hours when I can't sleep for grief. Also, when I do have computer time I'm kind of scattered as I potter around from blog to blog to blog. As you've touched on, there are some I've felt a connection with and check in on frequently. Some I comment on and some I don't - not because I don't want to but more because I don't know what to say at times. Sometimes I worry about commenting because my loss was after having four living children. And honestly - please someone tell me I'm not alone here - it took me AGES to figure out how to follow and I'm still not that good at updating my blogs I follow in my blog because I'm apparently challenged when it comes to these blog tasks. Maybe because I learned to type on a manual typewriter?! lol But I will say that if I didn't have the Internet after losing our full-term boy May 19 and then moving cities at the end of June, I'd probably have lost my mind. And I found your blog first when in desperation one night I think I Googled "full-term stillbirth baby mother coping" or something similar. All of you online babyloss mothers have kept me going through sharing your own stories and I only wish I'd thanked everyone in their comments section as I went weeping from blog to blog. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWell said, Sally. Amen to that.
ReplyDeletewhat a fantastic post! i found myself nodding and glued to my monitor, reading my own thoughts here on your blog. thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to read, let alone comment on, all the blogs out there. I get it. I also get the high school feeling, and so much of of what you wrote.
ReplyDeletePushing 3 years down this road, I know the feeling of getting lost in other people's unfortunately new grief. And then reliving your own, over and over and over again.
It's tough. You know I'm here sporadically-- as I am on my own blog. But I think you also know that I am always supporting you.
xxx