Confusion on the other side

I have been thinking about the term living child a lot lately, as I see it written in blogs everywhere in this sad and sorry community.

Living child. As opposed to dead child. Or just a regular child. A living child. It is interesting.

I don't think anyone who hasn't lost a child would ever think to use the term living child, as you assume it it just a given; if you are a child, of course you are living. Old people die, not children. Only those who are really sick or really really unlucky die. And I stupidly thought that was rare. How wrong was I....?

And when the child we are referring to is indeed a newborn, full term baby, no one in their right mind would ever think they would NOT be living. Because they were just born. And when you're born you are alive. Not dead. Giving birth to death just challenges everything that is good and right in this world. It shakes things up and turns them upside down and inside out. Reverses the natural order of things. Brings an end to something that never really started. The greatest irony a woman will ever know. Pushing out a dead baby. Saying goodbye before you even said hello.

I only ever wanted a child, I didn't realise I had to want a living child. They are just two words I never thought I'd have to put together. Living child. It is so strange where I have ended up in this life.

I knew about stillbirths. I knew of people it had happened to. I even remember hearing about one when I was pregnant, I read the birth/death notice in the paper. It was also ever so briefly touched on in our birth classes. And you know, most pregnancy books dedicate ooooh, let's see one paragraph to the topic.

I guess in my head I thought well babies who are stillborn must have something wrong with them, hence they do not survive, therefore, it wont happen to me because I am fine, my baby is fine, the pregnancy is fine and we'll all be FINE FINE FINE.

WRONG.

Man was I in denial. Or living in a bubble. Or both.

I hate how everything I know about this tragic topic now, and I know a lot, I learnt in hindsight, after the fact. I hate knowing that I have so much knowledge at my fingertips now to try and make sure this wont happen again (even though I know that's just an illusion, knowledge may be good, but it does not work miracles).

I just wish I'd known some of what I know now then, because the fact is, she might be here. Really truly. Some of you might say it might have still happened, that stillbirths can't always be prevented, but I know in my heart, Hope's death was totally avoidable.

I was just living in a bubble. And I never thought it would burst the way it did.

I know some women who have walked this road feel like a harbinger of death. That they need to keep their stories from pregnant women for fear of upsetting them and bursting their blissful and ignorant bubbles.

I feel the opposite. I hated horror stories when I was pregnant. I hated women telling me about puffy feet, gestational diabetes, blood pressure going through the roof and hideous labours that had them screaming for epidurals within minutes of arriving at the hospital. Lets face it though, I now have the greatest horror story there is, but I want to use my story to help people.

Doctors and nurses have it all wrong when they keep the truth from us. Protecting us does not make it better. It just makes it sting more when it does happen to you.

But then I think, the women I try to warn, would probably just react like I would have. They would only hear what they want to hear. They would carry on thinking it wont happen to them and that they are fine. FINE FINE FINE.

The hospital I gave birth in was telling me recently they got a complaint because this particular mummy-to-be thought their birth classes were too graphic in that they included too much information about things going wrong. This woman said her baby was healthy, she was healthy, the pregnancy was progressing normally so why did she need to know this stuff? I want to scream "tell her about me! Show her Hope's photos, send her a link to the babyloss blog directory so she can see this happens to women just like her all the time all over the world, every single day." I know she still wouldn't listen though, because I just don't think I would have either.

I don't know how to make people drag their heads out of the sand. I wish I did, because like I've said before, I just don't want to hear about this happening ever again. Especially not to someone I know.

And another thing I'm finding strangely uncomfortable lately is my ability to jump for joy when I hear of pregnancy and birth announcements in this community. Your bellies and babies are all so hard won. And well deserved. And as much as it does sting a little, I wont lie, I'm a woman and we're all built with the jealousy chip, I am just so happy for you all. You all deserve happy endings after what you've been through.

Not that people in my life don't deserve happiness and their babies, of course they do, but I don't really know anyone who has the battle scars I do. Sure, I know a few who had infertility issues and a couple who even suffered early miscarriages, but no one I know has buried a child. A healthy full term baby who died in their belly after a healthy pregnancy due to an accident. A mistake. A giant cock up.

I miss the fact I can't share in the joy of others. I can't congratulate friends on new pregnancies. I can't visit new babies. I can't buy gifts for them or look at their photos. I just feel at this point, I can't have anything to do with them. I've cut myself off from all the joy the people I know are experiencing. Because I just don't understand why me and why not them? I don't wish it was any of us, but if I had to chose, I'd sadly chose for this to happen to anyone I know over myself. That's a mother's love and desperation I guess, she'd do anything to keep her child away from harm.

To people on the other side, they assume, even after knowing full well about what happened to me, that they are going to get a child.

For me, I'll always be wishing for a living child.