Fire

Just hearing about the devastation caused by the bush fires in this country now makes me realise what it must have been like for people when they heard I lost Hope.

These people might all be strangers to me, but each time I see a newly bereaved family on the TV, my heart breaks for them. I don't know exactly what they are going through, but I can understand. I know this heavy grief they are experiencing all too well.

I'm shocked and horrified that this could have happened to so many decent people and I hope with every fibre of my being that I never have to live through this sort of tragedy, even though I'm already living through my own personal tragedy right now.

Some have lost more than one family member. A few have lost children. One father even lost two children. Some children have also been orphaned. Hundreds of families have lost their homes and all of their possessions. The loss and devastation is like nothing I have ever seen.

It is catastrophic.

Feeling desperately helpless, I can again appreciate how helpless people felt around us back in August. Simply not knowing what to do. I wanted to load the car up with so many of the baby clothes and other bits and pieces I have to take them to the families in need. I wanted to bake dozens and dozens of muffins. But I heard reports they needed money more than goods and food because sorting through the goods and making sure the right people received them had become difficult. So I sat on hold on the phone for half an hour last night and donated money instead.

How do you put a figure on how much to donate? We gave $150. Not a huge amount, but still a decent amount and at the very least we can feed a decent amount of people an honest meal, or clothe a few children. It seems arrogant to just throw money at a problem and think it will be resolved, but we're fortunate enough to live in a world where we have enough disposable income at our fingertips to help those in need. I mean we are hardly rolling in it. Simon's a nurse and I'm on disability payments, but we have small amounts we can spare.

I know we probably could have given a bit more, but we are selfishly trying to save a bit of money for our upcoming holiday. I have to remind myself, we are also going through our own heartache. There just isn't enough money in the world to help everyone in need. I wish I could have done more, but I'm hoping our small contribution can go some way to helping somebody. Anybody.

Some people in these devastating fires have managed to escape with their lives but nothing else. Not even their pets. Every single possession they ever own simply evaporated in a fierce firestorm that swept through their towns in a matter of minutes at the weekend.

I can't imagine losing every single item I have worked so hard for, but if it meant I still had my life, and Simon still had his life, then I know I would have reason to smile.

I have said a few times since I lost Hope, and before these fires wreaked havoc across our state that I would happily trade every possession of mine to have her back. I'd burn my house down, with everything I own it, I'd push my car off a cliff and give away the clothes on my back for a second chance to raise her.

Some possessions of ours are obviously more treasured than others. Simon and I talked about what we'd try to save if our house came under threat. And while we are not close, the nearest fires were only 20km or so from here. There was an eerie red glow in the sky last night. We'd take this lap top, as it has nearly all the photos we have taken over the last five years, and we'd grab a few more photo albums out of the cupboards. But I'd also have to rush for some of Hope's things. Her memory box which includes my most prized possession - her lock of hair - and the quilt she had draped over her after her bath, the same quilt I held at her funeral.

But if I did lose those things, I know I would be ok. I would go on. I would rebuild. I would survive. They are just things. Things that hold precious memories for me, but all those memories live in a place that no one will ever get to, that will never burn out even with ferocious and deadly fires - and that's in my heart.