Seem to be hitting my blogging straps today, just can't stop the words buzzing around in my head and I can't stop them spilling out on to the screen.
I'm just feeling miserable and desperately lonely, and this is not the sort of loneliness that can be cured by phone calls, visits, text messages or emails. This is the kind of loneliness that only the mother without her baby could feel.
I want more people to call or visit. And I don't. I want to speak to people and I don't. I want to be alone and I don't. Really I don't know what I want, but I do know I want to feel better soon as this unbearable sadness is just really weighing me down.
Days all blur in to one now. I have no direction or focus (and nor do I really want any for the time being - unless it is a new pregnancy - as I don't have the headspace to deal with any responsibility right now). Don't tell me I need a hobby or to return to work. I don't. I just need to be. And for how much longer, I do not know. A new pregnancy will help me make some decisions about the future. Right now, I don't know much about my future. I look back with fondness. I sit here and now in overwhelming sadness. And I look forward with uncertainty.
I am hating that this is what I got served up for the worst experience of my life. And I'm counting on this being it, as I'm not sure I can take any more the bad stuff. I've had my fill. Any more and it might ruin me. As if I didn't already feel ruined enough.
I was at Simon's parents place the other day, and his mum was having a comical conversation with a friend on the phone about who had the worst life. They were only joking, but I suppose their almost-menopausal hormones were getting in the way.
I chimed in and said to Simon's mum I had the worst life, that I won. That my shit was worse than their shit.
And they both agreed. Yay for me.
I don't think there are too many people I know in real life who would swap their worst experience in their life for mine. If there is anyone, they must have had some really bad shit go down. Or they must really underestimate how bad this shit is.
In the grief olympics, I just feel like I win (or lose) every single time.
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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You do win. Nothing compares with this.
ReplyDeleteFound this quote on the internets and thought it was nice....
Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without words - and never stops, at all.
Reminds me of Hope, an angel with feathers, constantly on my mind...
There's nothing lonelier than having given up your life for a child and then not having the child. You don't get back the life you gave up. I won't say to you that things will get better, the grief is bigger than that, but there will be better days and I'm wishing many of them for you.
ReplyDelete"I want more people to call or visit. And I don't. I want to speak to people and I don't. I want to be alone and I don't."
ReplyDeleteI could have written these words myself. Everyone wants to fix it...and like you, I need to just 'be' with where I'm at right now. It is indeed a lonely world without our babies.
xoxo
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ReplyDeleteThat place of pure indicision -when making one is impossible, and every worldly action seems unnecessary, inconsiquential.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are having that day. I am so sorry you have more bad days than good. Always listening - reading - and remembering.
xoxo
I am with you on wanting more company and not wanting company. I guess it has something to do with fear that they will say something hurtful or that I will enjoy myself and that they won't see that I am still sad.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's why I am on the blogs alot, I need social connection that is in small, controlled doses (if I don't want to read a post or comments, i don't have to). I also found that starting new things (a new class at the gym; my new p/t job) helped. These are all superficial interactions, so more breezy an easy to handle.
sally, i too could have written those exact same words. the utter loneliness that comes from not having our babies with us. the not being able to handle any responsibilites and not knowing what we need in any given moment. just to be.
ReplyDeleteyesterday i was driving and felt so alone, i used to talk to my baby in my belly all the time when i drove and felt like i'd never really be alone again cuz i'd always have my baby, my child with me. but there was no carseat and baby to talk to.
and the grief olympics, it can't get much worse than what we've got and like you i feel like this better be it, only good things in our futures. and if it makes you feel better, add on ttc for over a year and then a stillbirth at 36, maybe i win, or lose.
It's not the medal you want to win is it? I've found that when people complain to me now, the ones who know, they immediately apologize and say things like , "not that this compares..." I can't decide if I appreciate that or if I want to smack someone. I hate that.
ReplyDeleteJust be, Sally. We're all here when you need us.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and wishing you some peace.
All of the above.
ReplyDeleteI can't deal with anything other than my grief, getting well and waiting for another chance. That's enough responsibility for now.
Just be. That's enough.
xxx
I'm here Sally,
ReplyDeleteYou be how ever you need to be.
Love love love
x
Lately I've been seeing how for every horrible story I hear, there are hundreds of others. Once we are open to them, we seem to notice them anywhere. I don't know that I can compare my horrible story to someone else's and say whose is worse. Is my story better than the woman who lost her baby and then found out she has cancer? The man whose wife died a day after their baby was born and he's now a single dad grieving his wife? Does it matter? I think what it shows me is that we're all - all of us, even those of us who haven't had horrible stories (yet) - in this together. We have to be. I try not to separate myself from those who have it better, and hope that they also don't feel the need to separate themselves from me because I might remind them that things do go badly sometimes.
ReplyDeleteJust be where you are, Sally, and be patient with yourself and how you feel. You won't always feel this way. I can't say you will feel back to your old self one day, but you will get to a different place, and then a still different one after that. Even if we feel like we're never going to move out of this, time and life seem to push us along...
Love to you.
If I could squeeze all that grief out with one giant hug, I would do it in an instant.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Sall. xx SB
I couldn't have said it better myself. You want company, but you don't. You have no direction, overwhelming sadness and an uncertain future. I am in the same place and wish you gentler days. Here's wishing we both get pregnant in 2009.
ReplyDelete