On gender and names

This could be controversial, but I am going to break rank here and say the thing people in my position are not supposed to say - we desperately wanted another little girl. Given the choice, in a perfect world, we would have ordered us a second daughter. Not a replacement for Hope by any means, but a second chance to parent a daughter. A second chance for me to get that real mother-daughter experience. Another little girl for Daddy to love.

But Mother Nature had other ideas. And that of course is perfectly ok. We are thrilled to be having a son. Completely and utterly overjoyed. Let me make that perfectly clear. Especially to those of you who lost a son and so desperately want another little boy.

We had a very good idea this little one was indeed a boy at the 12 week ultrasound thanks to some clever scanning by the obstetrician and some handy spread-legged positioning of the baby. The 20 week ultrasound just confirmed what we already knew.

When we first got the glimpse of the "prize package" at 12 weeks, I was probably only sad, and sad isn't even really the word, for a split second - if that. More importantly, we were just of course thrilled that he appeared happy, healthy and growing right on track.

And when we had our 20 week ultrasound a few weeks back, it was quite literally a good 20 minutes in to the scan before I even thought to ask about gender. We were just so mesmerised watching the little guy squirm around on the screen, making sure all his brain, heart, vital organs, bone and spine measurements were A-OK. And they were, thank god.

So when I finally did remember to ask, we got a glimpse of said package again, and we were sure we were having a son. And the first thing Simon mentioned was "oh crap, now we have to come up with a name". Such a warm, fuzzy and loving moment! A moment we can hopefully tell this boy all about in years to come.

We sort-of-but-not-really had a boys name picked out last time around. It was a bit of a worry, as I was convinced right up until the last push we were having a boy. I can honestly say if Hope was a boy, I have no idea what he would have been called. We were 110 per cent sure if we had a girl we knew what her name would be, and it most certainly was not Hope Angel. But Hope Angel is who she is, and who she will always be. And we do love her name and really, I don't think we could have found anything any more fitting. I do feel a bit of regret though, that I didn't give her the name we always dreamed of, but I feel that I will be able to use that name again if I ever am so lucky to have another daughter. I know if I never use that name, I will always regret it and feel a deep ache, as that is the name of the daughter I always imagined I'd mother. I loved the name so much, but for reasons that others may or may not agree with, I just couldn't bury it. In my grief, shock and drug induced haze, we came up with a new name.

So we are totally and utterly stuck on a name for this new and very special little boy. We both like traditional names. And nothing too long, as our surname is tricky. And again, I am scared to find a name I love, totally fall in love with it and settle on it, because I'm terrified of having to bury it. And it is not like we can NOT come up with a name now (as I know some chose not to name miscarried babies). But this little man, by definition of our law, is indeed a REAL person now. Not sure what made him less of a real person before I hit that magical 20 week mark, but whatever happens now, he needs a name. He can't be miscarried now, one way or another, he will be born (again, going by legal definition here). So this of course means if things go pear-shaped again, we're legally obliged to organise another burial or cremation. This very real now. This is really happening. There is no turning back. And if you've been reading, you will know how exciting and terrifying that is, all rolled in to one big jumbled mess.

There are a few names in the mix. A few new ones, a few of the same ones from last time. And we both so stumped. In all seriousness, I like more than Simon does and I'm more open to suggestions - and he will readily admit he is the sticking point here. But at this stage of the pregnancy, we have absolutely no idea who this little man will be and what he will be known as for the rest of his days.

He was, from the moment of conception onwards, always my Little Flower. The little bud blossoming in my belly, renewing my hope and faith in the world, giving me reason to go on, get up and face each day.

But it doesn't seem to fit anymore though. What I have taken to calling him lately is Thumper, as he really does thump around in there. I imagine he must have the big feet of his sister, as he really makes it known when he gives me a kick.

So Thumper he shall be until he emerges in to this world. I think it is going to be a case of not knowing his name until we lay eyes on him, and how desperately we are waiting for that moment to come. And I'm also desperately hoping that despite the different gender, when we do lay our eyes upon him, he shares some of the gorgeous good looks of his missing big sister. I want to see both my children in this little guy when he is born, regardless of what their names are, could have been, should have been or will be.