Really. August? Do I have to turn the calendar over today? Can I just leave it at July? Or flip it straight to September? Do I really have to stare at this month for the next 31 days?
All I did from December 2007 onwards was look forward to August 2008. All I have done since August 19 2008 is dread August 2009.
Hope was always going to be born in August. She was due August 14, Simon's mum's birthday, so even if she was a bit early or a bit late, August was always going to be it. August is full of birthdays for us. Simon's mum as mentioned, my dad, my grandma, Simon's cousin, best friend's first born, other friends' babies, my step dad and on and on and on it goes.
Last August will forever be split in to two. The days before she died and was born and the days after.
August 1 I saw my colleagues at work for the last time for a farewell lunch.
August 8 the Olympics started which was a big deal in our sports loving house.
August 14 was my due date. It came and went.
August 15 I awoke with contractions. Finally, she was coming. We went to hospital. They sent us home.
August 16 I had contractions all day at home. The hospital kept telling us to stay home.
August 17 was the last full day she lived. We went for a walk, I took a bath. Her movements became frantic that night. Hospital told us to stay home.
August 18 I was frantic. Some time that morning, she died. We went to hospital. We died.
August 19 she was born. We held her. We fell in love. Our hearts were broken.
August 20 we had her blessed in hospital then came home without her.
August 23 I attended the second birthday party of my best friend's little boy. I did not know where I was or how I got there.
August 24 I bought a dress for her funeral.
August 25 we buried her. 200 came to say goodbye.
August 26 is where everything started to unravel and fall apart and I set out on this journey as the saddest mama on earth. Turns out, I have lots of friends in this new life.
August. I wish it wasn't August. I wish it was over. How can this be happening already?
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
6 hours ago
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Thinking of you this August... February and November are our months... I know how it can feel.
ReplyDeleteIt is never just one day of the month is it. Every day will remind you of something.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
xxx
We are right there with you Sally.
ReplyDeleteTry and remember all the beautiful times you had with Hope.. she will help you through this 'Hope Month'. xo
Sounds like my April...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you tons this August.
I understand what this month brings.
Jane
Oh, Sally, this broke my heart, "Her movements became frantic that night."
ReplyDeleteI'll hate August with you, it could end up being a bad month for us too. For now, January definitely is.
Sending you love, love, love, a lightening fast August, and a soon September.
Sending extra love and strength your way this month.
ReplyDeleteSally - thinking of you. I know what you are going thru....
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and remembering your little girl Hope as you make your way through this anniversary month. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. Even when you experience loss you never can find the right words.
ReplyDeleteTake care
((hugs)) Sally. I'm hoping that August won't turn into a hated month for me too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
xxx
Big hugs! I wish August could have been different for you guys!
ReplyDeletebabyparamore.blogspot.com
Hey Holly I just wanted to share something with you about the dreaded Aniversary dates. I was not married when i gave birth to my still son. But when i finally had that ring on my finger and had to pick a date for my wedding i chose the day after is birthday(it would have been the actual day but it didnt fall on a good day for a wedding)My hubby was concerned that i would never be happy on this day years to come and my EVIL sister actually told me it was morbid to try and do it on his birthday! I told them Caden cant be here on this special day like his sister(my matron of honor)so i want it as close to HIS special day as i can get. My hubby's best man wore a blue ribbom on his jacket for Caden because he was the best man as well. It meant alot to me to have him there even if it was only symbolized by a little blue ribbon. Your month(august) will too pass just like mine(June) and we will make it through. Just to see yet another and another. Hold on to what memories you have embrace them even though they are painful. Its all we have. And if you get the chance to make another memory that reminds you of Hope every year like i did. DO IT!
ReplyDeleteSorry Sally I just left Holly"s Page FORGIVE ME!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so angry with the hospital for asking you to stay at home... Isn't it amazing how teh months we loved a year ago, teh months we waited for during the 9 months of pregnancy are months we have come to dread. Thinking of hope and of you..
ReplyDeleteOh Sally. I know that I have said this before and I know how useless it is but I am so terribly, terribly, horribly sorry. Just so sorry. To come so close. I wish that things could be different. I wish that the hospital hadn't sent you home.
ReplyDeleteI also woke up this morning with a bit of a lurch in my stomach. My girls were due in December but, as you know, decided that August would be the month. August 2008 changed my life beyond all recognition, like a bomb went off right in the midst of it.
Abiding with you through this month of memories Sally. Remembering Hope Angel. xx
When I realised it was August today I thought of you and of Sarah and Monique and my other sweet friends that are about to have a shitty month. And of course I realised that September was almost here. How can that be? How can we still be breathing and thinking and being after this? Amazing, if you think about it.
ReplyDeleteSending my love, this month and every month.
xxx
Oh Sally, August for you, May for me. I so wish you didn't have to go on this sad mama journey.
ReplyDeleteLove you, and thinking all the time about your lovely Hope. xxx
Wishing August away with you Sal. Wishing it was so different.
ReplyDeleteI'm dreading October for myself.
Love you.
xxx
Indeed, August brings the march of doom...what a bad month for so many of us. How is it possible it has almost been a year?
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this month!
ReplyDeleteThis month is going to suck.
ReplyDeleteThe only consolation is no matter what, it will be over.
But it will still be terribly hard in the meantime. I'll be thinking of you.
"Last August will forever be split in to two. The days before she died and was born and the days after"
ReplyDeleteI find that I am doing this with my life lately - before and after Maya.
Ugh, this is all so very sad and heartbreaking for all of us...
Just sending love and standing with you through August.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Wishing you strength during this difficult time.
ReplyDeletexo
My son was supposed to be born in September (September 22nd), but I was so sick and tired of being big and having achy feet and not being able to sleep I chose to be induced for September 12. Instead, he was born August 9. I both love August, because that's when I got to see my son, but I hate it because it was too soon for me to see him. But the one thing I'll never do is hate being a big pregnant woman again.
ReplyDeleteI am remembering your daughter and my son this whole month mama.
xoxo
I am sorry, Sally.
ReplyDeleteI'm walking this month with you, Sally. I wish I could think of something to do to make it more bearable, but since I can't, I'm sending you love & remembering with you.
ReplyDeleteIt is so, so hard going through that the first year out. Just be gentle on yourself, and know that whatever you wind up doing and feeling and writing will be what needs to be done and felt and said. And ergo, right. Right for this year. The anticipation and run up to the date, reliving everything from the year before is just brutal.
ReplyDeletePlease know I'm here to go through it with you. Thinking of you all.
Sometimes words just aren't enough, but just know I'll be thinking of you this month as well.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel... hang in there. xo
ReplyDeletehugs everyday this month.
ReplyDeleteand, I have to say, stoopid stoopid hospital.
wishing sept upon us soon, for you (and catherine too). (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Simon in the coming days..
ReplyDelete