Lets get physical

This pregnancy thing, it is getting hard. Emotional stuff aside, physically, I'm really feeling it. 18 months of gestating with only six months in between all to bring just one baby home seems like too much to handle some days. I knew pregnancny after loss was going to take its toll, but I sort of didn't expect this.

But again, let me point out this is not a post to whinge and complain about the joyous state of pregnancy, because I am lucky and I am still loving this. I'm just stating it as it is for me right now, and making a point of comparing my two pregnancies which right now, now seem worlds apart.

Everything is very ouchy.

All of those aches and pains I mostly managed to avoid with my Hope? Well I have them all this time, and with full force. My babies will be born 15 months apart and how anyone does it quicker than that is absolutely beyond me.

Crazy lower back pain? Check.
Raging heartburn? Check.
Extreme fatigue due to an iron deficiency? Check.
Crippling leg cramps? Check.
Breathlessness? Check.
Stabbing pains, down there? Check.
Mildly uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions? Check.
Inability to get comfortable in any way, shape or form? Check.

Don't worry, I am taking good care of myself, resting as much as possible and getting treated for the iron deficiency and heartburn. I'm also thinking of seeing a physio for my back, as getting in and out of bed two to three times a night to pee is becoming increasingly difficult. I think Simon is sick of my moaning. He was so lovely to remind me the other night I was "huge, but only going to get huger". And that I "looked like a walrus, but I still had to become a whale". It is the dimples that gets him out of getting a slap when he says things like that.

Seriously though, I just have no idea how I'm going to last like this for at least the next eight weeks. I know I will though, I mean I just have to. There is no other choice really, but it is starting to feel like a marathon now when all I want to do is lie down all day. And they say it only gets tougher and you become more tired after they're born. Great (said with a hefty dose of sarcasm).

I think back to those nine months with Hope and remember how very lucky I was. At this point of my pregnancy with her, I was still finding yoga very easy and I was still walking to the train station and back each day to go to work. I also walked on my lunch break each day and maintained a reasonably active social life. And you know - I was working. Maintaining a position of responsibility. Meeting deadlines. Attending meetings. Putting up with petty office crap. But the pregnancy hadn't knocked me around too much and I was finding it all pretty easy. I felt smug. This time, it has hit me hard. I can't even bend over to pick anything up which is a real shit as I'm so clumsy, I drop nearly everything I put in my hands. My legs are looking rather jungle-like, which is not good coming in to spring, as I can't reach down to shave them. Don't even bother to ask about my toe nails. That aint a pretty sight.

Mentally though, I am doing ok. Better than I thought. It is a day to day thing though and I know it could change at any time. And I know I'm still a few weeks away from a birth yet, so calmness remains for now. I can't quite imagine how I'll be when I hit full term and know that delivery is imminent.

I know bad stuff happens. It happened to me. It happened to most people who read here. And there is nothing to stop it happening again. But most of the time, good things happen. And it is more likely than not that good things will happen to me. To Simon. To our family. To Thumper.

So that is the space I reside in now. Cautiously optimistic about happy endings. I don't know where else I can be right now. I'd go mad if I let myself slip back in to the pit. I've worked hard to get to this point and I don't want to undo any of that good work now.

I mean I have my moments. I find nights the hardest. I feel like when slumber arrives, I let my guard down. Suddenly, with consciousness gone, I am no longer able to monitor each and every one of his movements. And it would just so happen, nights seem to be his quietest time. I wake to pee and usually can't get back to sleep until he lets me know he's ok. Or alive at the very least. Sometimes, I can lie there for an hour. Sometimes, I take a trip to the lounge room with a glass of orange juice and the Doppler, just to be sure. There is no other way around this though. I have to keep doing whatever it is I can do to keep myself sane.

But the aches and pains. They are what I'm finding the hardest now. I feel as if I'm crawling to the finish line. When I lie down to nap, Simon comes to drag me along a bit further. I know I can do this, as I have done it once before, but this time everything is just that much harder.

I think after all of this is said and done, I need not to be pregnant again for a very long time. I need a rest.