Living in the present

I met up with my beautiful midwife yesterday. Not the one of the ones who let me down when I was in labour, but the lovely and gentle N who was there the day I delivered Hope. Her shift started while I was half way through pushing, then she finished late that night, while I lay in my bed trying to get to know my daughter. Poking her little button nose, wondering if she'd ever wake up....

It was so nice to hear from her. I had all but given up hope on the hospital and everyone who works there. I figured they had just written me off as the crazy bereaved woman who was making a huge fuss by filing an official complaint. I wanted to show N that I wasn't crazy, that I was just grieving, and there is a difference. Subtle mabye, but there is a difference.

It feels like I have known N forever. When I talk to her, I can imagine she's the sort of girl I would have been friends with anyway. I can look up to her, and I respect her greatly. She's not much older, but she does have two beautiful little girls. I have never seen them, but I bet they are beautiful, because what little girls aren't?

Our chat yesterday was long, deep and meaningful. She's a positive soul, is N, and she was trying so hard to pull me out of my rut, to make me shake off my anger and to try and rediscover the new me. This all sounds well and good, but at just seven months out, I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm not throwing in the towel, but I still think I have a lot of work to do.

She said she had been doing her own soul searching of late and that she was really trying to live in the moment. She asked I try and do the same.

I guess I am living in the moment (or in two week stints really - with my current two week stint about to come to an end one way or another, in the coming days) because looking back is just so painful and looking ahead terrifies me. In fact it cripples me. But the here and now? I hate it. I have my Simon, my family, my dog and my friends but none of it is enough. I'd trade ALMOST all of it to have her back. This life is so meaningless without her. I hate living in the moment, even though I really don't have any choice.

I'm not ready to rediscover my new self. My new self was supposed to be a mother. For nine months, (and really some years before that) that's all I looked forward to - motherhood. Career was not important to me, even though I went to university to get a nice piece of paper which qualifies me for who knows what. All I wanted was to be a mother.

A lot of people, very well meaning people, have said to me in the last seven months that I need to take care of me now. I'm the number one priority. That I just need to focus on rebuilding myself. But that stings. I was so ready to give myself over fully to my baby. I was ready to take a back seat. I was tired of me being number one. Friends would say to us in those last few weeks before her arrival "make the most of your time alone now, because soon you won't even know what time it is, you'll be so busy with a screaming baby". I wanted that! I didn't care we'd have to give up on our twice weekly meals out. I didn't care there would be no more pubs, live music or huge parties any more - we'd had almost 10 years of that together. That chapter in my life, at least for the time being, was over. I didn't want to be number one anymore, my baby was number one and even though I never really realised it at the time, she was very much number one for the entire pregnancy. Everything I did for those nine months, I did for her. Every vitamin I took, every stretch in yoga, every book I read - it was all for her. I turned my life upside down. I waited patiently. Then I got dropped on my head.

Right at this moment, I just feel like I have nothing. I know that is such a long way from the truth, but I feel so alone and empty. It gets this way on the weekends, when I think about what all our friends must be doing out with their babies. It is also a beautiful day today. Parks and gardens must be full of Mums, Dads and little babies in prams. That is supposed to be us! That is the moment we are supposed to be living. I was out driving today and I saw so many. I just want to be those people. I just want my chance at that life again.

After I caught up with N, I had my naturopath come over to do some flower essence therapy. Simon thinks it is witchcraft but hey, at this point I am willing to give anything a go. You pick out six flowers from 50 photos of Australian native flowers, then a remedy from those six essences is made up that you take three times daily. Seven drops at a time in your water.

These are the flowers, spread out on my floor and below are the six flowers I picked:
I can't really explain why I picked each one. Some were because of their names, and you will see why when I list them. Some were for the colours. Some just stood out. The first one I picked was the bright yellow one in the bottom left hand corner. I also picked a lily and an orchid, because they made up my wedding bouquet, and I always leave orchids on Hope's grave. And the autumn leaves? Well it has just gone autumn here, so I was drawn to the colours and drawn to the possibilities and the hope that might lay ahead this autumn.

I was given an explanation of the negative condition I am suffering and the positive outcomes each flower essence can have:

Angelsword

Negative condition: interference with true spiritual connection to Higher Self, spiritually possessed, spiritual confusion.

Positive outcome: spiritual discernment, accessing gifts from past lifetimes, release of negatively held psychic energies, clear spiritual communication.

Dog Rose

Negative condition: fearful, shy, insecure, apprehensive of others, niggling fears.

Positive outcome: confidence, belief in self, courage, ability to embrace life more fully.

Green Spider Orchid

Negative condition: nightmares and phobias from past life experiences, intense negative reactions to the sight of blood.

Positive outcome: telepathic communication, ability to withhold information until timing is appropriate, attunement.

Red Lily

Negative condition: vague, disconnected, split, lack of focus, daydreaming.

Positive outcome: grounded, focused, living in the present, connection with life and God.

Sunshine Wattle

Negative condition: stuck in the past, expectation of a grim future, struggle.

Positive outcome: optimism, acceptance of the beauty and joy in the present, open to a bright future.

Autumn leaves

Negative condition: difficulties in the transition of passing over from the physical plane to the spiritual world.

Positive outcome: letting go and moving on, increase awareness and communication with loved ones in the spiritual world.

So that was that. And I know in a way most of this is probably a bit like star signs, in that you can always draw something from them and always find ways they can relate to your life and situation, but I did read some of the descriptions for the other flowers, and they were not relevant in the slightest. So I am amazed at how accurate this really was, and so was the naturopath. She said it happens all the time, which is why she lets her client pick themselves, as she finds they always pick the "right" flowers. It was so interesting to see that two of the flowers I picked out, talked about living in the moment. It was so uncanny, given that N and I had just spent two hours discussing that very topic.

N, because I know you read here now, please know I am trying. I am trying to draw the positive from each day. I will keep taking my flowers. I am going to believe they will help. But I am also not going to give up, and I'm not going to lie down and die just yet. I am still angry, and I have a lot of it to work though, but I know one day in the future, if I dare look ahead, I promise you I will be happy in that moment. I just have to wait for that moment to arrive.