More on faith, and my lack thereof

I sit very comfortably with my lack of faith, but I also sit just as comfortably with the beliefs that you all have. We are all different, but we are still all so much the same.

In the last six months, I've become so curious about a different faiths. And while I'm not religious, I do believe I have become more spiritual and more connected to something bigger going on around us. Mysteries of the Universe, the connections between people, the power of love, etc.

I don't think I ever much believed in an afterlife because I have never lost anyone close enough to me who I thought might be waiting there for me. Now my beliefs on that have changed. I don't necessarily believe Hope is with Heaven cradled in God's arms, or being held by some harp-playing angels.

But I think when I go, that we'll get to hit a reset button. I'll go back to that weekend I laboured and instead of staying put on my couch and trusting those midwives, I'll get back to that hospital and we'll get the outcome we were supposed to have. We'll get our shot at all of this again, just in another time, another place, another life. These wont be the views others have but they are the views I have. No one can tell me if they are right or wrong, because we're all here and not there. So what do any of us really know? In my head, that's how its going to work.

I have never believed Hope was in a better place. Far from it. What better place could there be than here in my arms? Or in her high chair with her first teeth showing, squishing her first bits of banana through her chubby little fingers? Giggling like some sort of baby-maniac. That's the best place for her. But I believe she must be somewhere beautiful while she waits for me. Because hopefully she's got a long time to wait before I join her there and we get to do this all again. To live that life we were supposed to live together.

So many of you who stop by here and who I talk to now are Jewish. I have become so fascinated with your culture, beliefs, traditions and way of life.

I have never known a lot about the Jewish faith, as it is not prevalent in my community, but now that it is very prevalent in this community I'm part of, I find myself becoming ever curious of your rich, enchanting and meaningful customs.

In my culture, there is not a lot of tradition. We are a young nation and there are not many beliefs or superstitions. I came from a world where nine months all but guaranteed you that happy ending. After all, I was past that pesky 12 week mark....

I of course did what most people I know do, and had a baby shower. One custom of ours I'm now not too proud of. My best friend who happens run events for a children's museum co-ordinated the whole event. And it was grand. Matching this and that. Games, but not too many and not too tacky. Food, music, family, friends, the works. I got simply overwhelmed by the gifts. So many things! So many oohs and ahhs from the mostly-female onlookers as I slowly opened them all. But that was nothing. Nothing compared to all the things I'd already bought. Our nursery was practically complete at 20 weeks. Pram, cot, change table, high chair, car seat. The wardrobe was also slowly but surely filling with clothes, socks, bibs, booties and mittens. I would have bought at least one thing for the baby each week, probably more. The baby bath was already full of shampoos, soaps, powders and lotions. The change table was brimming with brand new and soft piles of cloth nappies. We were given a plain wooden box that Simon and I painted and filled it with blankets and placed bundles of soft toys on top of it. That same box now contains all of her memories. Hospital paperwork, grief books and all the other bits and pieces one accumulates when there is a dead baby.

I walk in to that fully complete, ready-to-go nursery, cane rocker sitting proudly in the middle with a blanket and pillow just waiting to be used and I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse.

Better in that there was going to be a baby here and if there is another one, we are all set and we can hit the ground running. Or worse in that maybe I jinxed myself. Maybe the Jewish have got it right when they don't buy baby things or bring any baby things in to the house until the baby is born. Maybe their age-old customs are right. Maybe I was wrong to be so organised like that, even knowing that most babies do live. Most make it here alive.

So what to do with that nursery now? Leave it? Take it all down? Change it? I really don't know. Of course we believe that all that stuff will get used again. Those nappies will get soiled, those clothes will get worn, those blankets will get baby vomit on them. A new baby will squish banana in to all the crevices of the high chair and the cot will soon one day be filled up with a sweet smelling bundle sleeping. I will finally get to carry around that already fully stocked nappy bag.

I guess I feel a bit silly. A bit embarrassed, almost. I know I wont ever have another baby shower, ever again. In fact I'm not sure I'll ever be able to attend another one again. I just don't think I believe in that now. I don't believe in celebrating babies in that way before they are safely here. I know too much now.

I wont really buy any more baby things when I'm pregnant again. For the most part, I don't need to. I have more than enough stuff. Way more than enough. I could probably give half of it away now and still have enough stuff. I mean all they really need is food, warmth, comfort, a roof over their heads and love. That will sustain them. The rest is just stuff.

So while my beliefs are always evolving and even more so now that she's gone, I want to take the old beliefs I had and the new ones I am making along the way and make sure the next pregnancy is just celebrated in a different way. I don't want to deny my next baby at least some of that magic.