I hate the effing rollercoaster

So yesterday it was seals, ladybugs, smiles and sunshine.

Today I'm just glum. And I'm all over the place. I think I need a shower, the hot water always manages to restore me a little bit.

The whole rollercoaster of emotions thing takes on a whole new meaning when you can go through the entire spectrum of emotions before breakfast most days.

Anger. Confusion. Sadness, lots of sadness. Shock. Numbness. Happiness (not for long). Jealousy. Bitterness. And then some.

I never liked rollercoasters as a kid, and I always used to want to get off. This is one rollercoaster I can't get off.

I often wonder how am I going to live with this for the rest of my life?

How am I going to continue to handle these emotions? How am I going to control my jealousy, my anger, my rage? How am I going to learn to keep a lid on my hope and not get too ahead of myself?

How am I going to handle being the person whose first baby died? At term. After an easy pregnancy. The person who can make a person with no soul shed tears. The person who can turn all hearts to stone.

I don't want to be this person, I just don't.

I don't want to be the person who has to teach their kids about their big sister who is nothing but a picture on my wall.

I don't want to be the person who can't attend first birthday parties or visit new babies in hospital. I like babies, really I do. But now, they make my already broken heart shatter just a little bit more.

I don't want to be the person who has to visit the cemetery on Christmas Day, Mother's Day, my birthday, her birthday.

I don't want to be the person everyone wants to throw a pity party for. I know people say that is not the case, but it sort of is. Everyone feels SO sorry for me. I don't want to be that person. I want people to be happy for me. But there isn't much of a reason to be happy for someone when their baby dies.

I can sense people will be happy for me when I get pregnant again. But I know that on the inside, I wont be entirely happy. A new baby will be a joy, but they wont be Hope.

I haven't had too many visitors since Hope died. Just a select few. Those I feel comfortable with to talk about her as much as I want for as long as I want. All the details. The blood, the sweat, the tears - all of it. Over and over and over until I fall down or they fall down.

I keep thinking but they should be visiting me to meet my baby. And the fact that she's not here, makes me just want to curl up with the blinds down and hide from the world, for just a little while longer. I'm in the in between bit. The in between Hope and a new pregnancy/baby. I need to navigate these unknown and rough waters of this in between bit first before I feel strong enough to open my doors again. This in between bit is not so fun.

I hear all loss mothers say this, but I feel like such a failure. To conceive, grow, carry and birth a baby who I would have to put in a box and bury some six days later, can ruin even the strongest woman.

I always thought I was a strong woman, now I don't know who I am anymore.

I can tell you I was never a big fan of blogs and blogging, now look at me. Posting once a day, reading about so many other poor Mamas, their missing children and the gaping holes in their hearts.

I feel so embarrassed, too. Embarrassed I made such a fuss. Such a fuss and now she's not here. That my house was littered with baby stuff. That my bookshelf was full of books on breastfeeding and settling. That my bath was full of squeaky baby bath toys. I have all of that stuff, but I have no baby. It is ruining me. There is so much shame in all of this. You will tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of. But I feel so much shame. I didn't go back to that hospital, I made a decision that may have been fatal and I have to find a way to live with it. Did I mention guilt earlier?

I'm being brave in a few weeks and hosting a small, first birthday party for three babies at my house. Three close friends of mine had babies last December, and while I can't attend their parties, I do want to celebrate their milestones, so I've asked them all to come here. I'm baking them a cake.

I never got to bake Hope a cake, but I did get to design her a nice grave plaque. One of the few things I ever got to do for her. How lovely.

This idea to host this party might end up to be a crazy one. It was just an idea I had a few days ago and seemed a good way to solve the puzzle of how I would celebrate their birthdays without going to their parties.

My point is, this is still two weeks away. Given I go through so many emotions from hour to hour, and even this post is riddled with about six billion random emotions, how do I know I'm going to be strong enough to follow through with this party. How do I know how I will feel that far ahead?

This is what I am coming to learn though. I can't look too far ahead. I did that with Hope, I was always looking ahead. Shopping for the pram. Pre-washing clothes. Signing up to mothering e-newsletters. Thinking about what school I may send her to.

And look where all that got me. It landed me here amongst you lot. And as much as it is helping, I still don't like it. I still feel like I don't belong. I think we all feel that.

I feel so cheated I wont be able to look in to the future for my next baby (damn, there I go again, imaging there will be another baby) and that I wont be able to carry the same level of excitement through his/her pregnancy. I will be on edge the entire time, knowing full well happy endings are most certainly not guaranteed. Even when you do everything right, even when you follow all the rules.

But then I stop and remember. I gave my daughter the name Hope for a reason. So I would never lose sight of hope.

Sometimes it is just better to let go and hope. If that means imagining new babies, arriving safely in to our arms, then do it. If that means daring to tempt fate by buying a few baby items either before you fall pregnant again or before your next baby arrives, then do it.

This post is such a random mess of thoughts, but I'm finding it does help to get it out. I think I have a few people reading now who know me in real life. And I think I am ok with this. If this helps them to know how I am feeling, then I guess this is a good thing. And "hello" if you are reading.

I said I was all over the place earlier, and that's because I am trying to hide from a small fact that is bubbling away in the back of my mind. That exactly 12 months ago this week, Hope first came in to our lives. Things seemed to work out for us that particular night, and two weeks later, two lines showed up.

It is just so hard to believe that all this happened to me in a year. She wasn't here. She was here. She grew. She lived. She died. She was born. She was buried. It was over. Now I have been flung three months in to the future and I'm still wandering around dazed and confused, not really knowing what to do with myself. It may as well be 2007 again, except its not, it is 2008 and I have been through a totally life changing experience. 2008 has still been the best and worst year of my life.

And this week, I'm also expecting something else to arrive or to see two lines again. And if they do, then we may be so lucky to be expecting another August baby. So this just adds to my excitement, confusion, sadness and happiness. And up and down on the rollercoaster we go!

Ahh, welcome to my head right now!