Lessons learnt.
1. The womb is not a safe place.
2. Doctors and midwives do not know best.
3. Always trust your instincts.
4. Blogs don't always have to follow a clear thought pattern.
Still all over the place. Probably PMT. Who knows. Angry today. Confused, and a bit lost. And drowning in a nice pool of guilt, too.
So there's that done with, now I move off on to a new tangent.
I am an asshole.
This god awful mess has turned me in to an asshole. An a-grade asshole.
I even said to a very close (very pregnant) friend last night, I needed our friendship to be 100 per cent all about me right now. Yup all about me. Not her. Not us, just me. Selfish much?
I feel completely awful and hate that I don't recognise the new me. HELP!
And I'm doing this to a lot of people right now, too. Being a total ass. Pushing people away. Shielding myself from hurt.
What's that? You went on a holiday to Bali. Awesome. Now please stop talking. You went to a wedding. Cool. Must have been nice. Now shut the f up. Your three year old has a cold? I really, really am sorry and hope they get better soon but please go away now. Stop talking to me. Quit smearing your happy shit in my face. Just leave me the hell alone. Let me wallow just a little while longer. Please.
Can't you see here people, it is all about me now. I'm spent. Done with. Finished. Over. I don't have the energy to care anymore. About anyone or anything. It is just me, me, me. And Simon.
I wonder how many friends I will have left after all of this. 12? 7? 2? None? I'm certainly not much fun to be around, and only the really good ones will stick it out. It will be interesting to see who they are.
I realise one day, I might start caring again. One day. But not now. Do we want to go out for dinner? Sure we do, looking forward to it! Do we want to see a movie/visit a new baby? Yup, give us a time and place and we'll be there. Can't wait!
Right now I am a long way from that.
Also worked up about another friend due any day now, about the 10th baby born in our group of friends this spring since our Hope was born. Maybe she's already had the baby and I haven't been told yet, I'm not sure. I dreamt I saw a photo of her last night. Lovingly holidng her newborn in the hospital. Baby gazing up in to her eyes. Everyone concerned rejoicing in the magic of the moment while I'm left to wallow in my deep pit of sadness and what should have been. That image has been seared to my brain all day.
Today is a bad day. Maybe I need to go outside and look for a ladybug.
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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Dear Sally,
ReplyDeleteSending you gobs of love! I'll be here! Always :)
Love you
Carly x
Sally,
ReplyDeleteYou can't push us away, and since I won't have any friends either, I better start saving money for trips o Australia, England and the US!
Hugs,
Monique
Sounds good, a dead baby club world tour.
ReplyDeleteWho cares what anyone else thinks. It is all about you right now... and me and Monique... and all the other sad and grieving mothers in this god-awful club.
You wallow until you don't.
You spit it out in your blog and are understood.
And you find out who your real friends are.
xxx
Sally,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the little note on my blog - knowing there is support out there is so encouraging.
I linked back to your blog this morning, my heart breaks for you and the loss of your precious baby girl, Hope.
Take the time you need, deal with it how you need. You aren't an awful person for needing life to be about you right now - it happens when you are stuck at the bottom with your heart in pieces.
Thinking of you,
Heather (from Rebuilding Myself)
And a bit of PTSD.
ReplyDeleteI haven't really pushed people away, but I haven't been calling and making plans with them or reaching out to them. I am just staying at home where it is safe and I don't have to deal with everyone's 'small' problems. I think acquaintances will be there if I called them, to go out and have fun.
I don't think any of my true friends will hold much against me for a bit.
I have eventauly gotten to a point where I can take some small talk, I can go out to dinner with some of my less dramtic friends. Some days it is iffy though, and I have even told some friends, 'yes, let's plan for dinner on Saturday and if Triple S and I aren't up to it, we'll let you know.' I guess I have found that honesty really goes a long way and people will mostly get it. if they were to make a big deal of it, I probably would never be interested in calling them again.
we have enough on our plates, no need to glob on other people's issues ;)
((HUGS)) Sally.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with you... just being very sad, hurt and frustrated that you are not having your Hope with you.
Take all the time you need to be alone, to feel all the yucky feelings you need to feel. You are entitled.
Hang in there. xoxo
I STILL want it to be about me and my deadbaby. I'm sure my friends - that is, whatever friends I've managed to keep - are saying e-fvcking-nough already! I've learned to shield myself from getting hurt again, pushed away friends, kept people out: We do what we have to do to get through. It may be selfish, but I still don't give a shit enough to change at this point.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Sally. And Hope, too. XO.
as far as i'm concerned we are so entitled to be assholes, bitches, angry, not wanting to go out or hear about other people's children. we need to take care of ourselves right now and if that means being a bitch than so be it. the other week i told my husband that i'm bbb- a bereaved bitter bitch. sometimes i feel bad for being so angry and writing the f word on my blog that my sweet aunt is reading...but you know what it is real. you are real. this is real. and it sucks. and this is how we are dealing with it. nothing pretty about any of it.
ReplyDeletewe need to have compassion for ourselves especially the yucky bbb parts.
xo
a
I agree. This time needs to be about you. You have nothing left to give anyone else right now. Some people will get it, some people wont.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not always your close friends or family that get it either. Let the people who get it reveal themselves to you over time. Let the others know that it's not that you don't love them or care, just that you can't be there for them right now.
x
It's a time for you and a time where I find you sort the wheat from the chaff or is it the chaff from the Wheat...people reveal themselves, you make new friends, you lose the ones that have the incapacity to deal with things...it says more about themselves, all I know that altruism and benevolence is the key, so the ones that except as for who we are...we are never going to be the same, we are different, different views, we view things so much more differently now, I don't know if it's an innate sense of wisdom...I sure would of liked a team building day instead of this whole process that we have had to go through...I view people differently too now...
ReplyDeletebut you are being true to yourself and that is a journey which is a testament to Hope, I say bugger to those people whom don't except our new selves...I think I am wishing it's the strength that Harry is trying to give from up there...in my view our Mums of Angels are like warriors (I sound like a total nut) but what we have been through has been like a war, a huge wound is left on our hearts, we have to recouperate for that war, we are tougher and wiser from it, we will always have that the battle scar left on our hearts...but we will become stronger...from it...I hope to God we will...have I gone on for too much...Love Loux
Hehehe. I know what you're talking about. I lost my daughter early last year at 36 weeks. $%^&'ing sucks.
ReplyDeleteMost of our friends stuck it out but my wife and I also learnt who the false ones are.
Needless to say we don't talk to them much anymore.
Hang in there.
Thomas.
I am so sorry...but you're exactly right: the friends who are worthwhile will stand by you through the difficult times...give you the space you need.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
I love you for saying exactly the way I feel! (Oh hang on... it's about me, not you!)
ReplyDeleteYou make so much sense girl. Get me off this God damn train... I don't want to play anymore. I'm not strong enough :-(
x
Sally,
ReplyDeletePlease know that it is totally normal to be feeling and thinking what you are. Be as mad and pissed off as you need, be an asshole if you need to, SCREAM, cry, swear....BE MAD AS HELL!
I too was a raving bitch for a very long time, I was pissed off at everyone (except Matt).
Don't feel bad for how you are feeling, you must just go with it, you have every right too!
Love & Support,
Erin
p.s. i reccomend screaming from a mountain top......proclaim Hope's name to the skies as loud as you can!
In the long run it doesn't matter what friends stick around and wait for you to emerge from the tunnel of hell. I came out with none, because everyone was always waiting for me to go back to "normal". That being said I've found people who are alright with the new me and the new normal that came with my daughters death. And it's great because when you dive back into the grief for whatever reason later on they are good with it because it is always lingering anyhow and they are familiar with it.
ReplyDeleteI know. It sucks. But the fact is you aren't you anymore. You are Sally, mother to a child you cannot hold. You will be only her for a long time and people have to accept that.
ReplyDeleteSomeday, other more socially appropriate parts of you will return, but not now - not yet.
And, BTW you are NOT an asshole. You are heartbroken.
hi sally-
ReplyDeletejust keep feeling. thats what i've been told. we'll never get through this without actually having these emotions- its healthy. so do what you have to do, feel how you have to feel and then whoever is left is whoever is left. working for me is helping me have something to focus on, but there are definite moments where its hard and i want to scream and i can't. but it passes and then i'm sort of ok. i like the idea of going to the top of a mountain and screaming our baby's name as loud as we can.
anyway, thinking of you as usual.
xo