Hey Hope
Whatcha doin baby girl? Whatcha thinking? Can you hear me? Can you feel the love I send out to you across the stars, on the breeze? I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you. Because today, I’m just really feeling it. This time three months ago, we let you go.
Can you see me? Sometimes, I hope not. You don’t want to see me like this, so empty and broken but if you can, I hope if you scratch the surface, you can see all the love and joy inside of me. You gave that to me baby girl, you did. It was your legacy, you left that behind inside of me.
I got a card from a friend that said you would have known my body better than your own. I guess that is probably true. You spent nine long but wonderful months in there. You probably know my body better than I do. I hope you enjoyed the home I made for you. I'm so sorry it wasn't safe for you in the end. I know you weren't sick for long little girl, I just hope you didn't suffer. I'm so sorry I didn't know you were sick. I wish I could have known, I wish you could have sent me a sign.
I wonder Hopey, (and I hope you don’t mind we call you that, but that’s what Daddy and I call you at home when we speak of you, which is all time, ALL the time) do you love me?
You went away to heaven, and I never really got to know. I hope you know I love you, I did tell you all the time.
And is there a heaven? Is that where you went? Sometimes I really don’t know. I certainly don’t think you are in a better place Hopey, the best place for you was here with me, Daddy and Miles the dog, but I just hope it is a beautiful place. Save a seat for me baby, and one for Daddy, too. We’ll come find you again some day. Promise.
I have met lots of other Mamas these last three months Hope. Have you met their babies? I hope so. Do you speak to Carly’s son Christian? Do you see Silas, Lani’s little man?
What about Charlotte and Birdie? Jordan, Emma, Tikva, Hannah, Serenity, Callum, Lev, Sam and George? And all the other little lost babies out there. If you have met them, tell them their Mamas love them and miss them, too.
Just as Daddy and I loved you in to existence, we are now trying to love your little sibling in to existence. Can you help me please Hopey?
Pick out the most beautiful spirit for us, pack it up and send it on the stars to us. And if you can, pack a little bit of your own spirit in with it too, so when this next baby arrives, there is a little bit of Hope in there as well. Miss you and love you every day.
Mama xoxo
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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Sally I just wanted to say sorry,
ReplyDeleteMy beliefs are pretty strong and sometimes, I forget that not the whole world believes what I believe. I am sorry if I ever told you that Hope is in a better place. Really, oh I feel rotten about saying that to you.
I guess its just such a delicate subject, what could you possibly say that would be right.
Sally, you know how much I am praying to Hopey to send you a rainbow baby . . . I just want you to know the happiness that I now know.
Please forgive me for my selfishness when it comes to me ranting on about how Christian and Hope are together in Heaven having a blast. I know now that is probably the last thing you wanted to hear.
Your letter to your sweet heart had me in tears. I loved it :)
Speak soon
Carly x
Sally,
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry - your love comes through so strong. Sending you strength,
Monique
Do you find it helps you to write to your Hope? I cried reading your letter and I cried buckets when I wrote my letter to tiny George (and still do when I go back to it) but writing it all down somehow keeps his presence real.
ReplyDeleteOur babies may not have a physical presence any more but we are strangely "lucky" to be able to write about them and share this awful pain with other babyloss mums.
xxx
What a beautiful letter.
ReplyDeleteSo, so sorry for the loss of sweet Hope.
Thanks for comments over at my place- there is such strength in numbers in this new life.
Thinking of you and Hope.
Ok - It's official. You made me bawl! In public no less!
ReplyDelete(random fact: did you know Friendly's has wireless?? Me either!)
I get so many emails and comments saying that I make people cry with my blog - and I always figured it was just part of the job. Crying is cathartic.
But you, dear Sally. You brought me right back to the early days. To the weeks before our first holidays without Emma.
Thank you for inducing my grief, to remember that this is still my road and I need to cry too.
love you - love Hope -
wow, that letter made me cry. i haven't written one to silas yet but i will.
ReplyDeletelove you
xoxo
Serenity is a big girl by now, so I think she is taking care of Hope.
ReplyDeleteat the memorial service, we asked our friends to write letters to Serenity if they wanted to, and everyone grabbed paper and pen and wrote her notes. We haven;t read them, but maybe will for February.
Our friend also told us that she writes little notes (like HI, love you) on balloons and sends them off. We did it once (we live far from ocean) and it was cathartic to watch them drift out of view.