A close friend's sister was pregnant at exactly the same time as me. In fact, we were due on the same day. How freakin' exciting!
Not being overly close to this girl, but pretty close to her brother and sister in law, I saw her quite a few times during our pregnancies and we were always comparing bumps and pregnancy tales of woe and joy.
I would always say how great I was feeling and she would then proceed to tell me how crap she'd been feeling.
Whenever I bumped in to this girl, I always counted myself lucky, as her 40 weeks were a lot harder on her body than my 40 weeks were on mine.
She ended up with pre-eclampsia, she had morning sickness 24/7, she gained more weight and ended up having to finish work a lot earlier than intended as she was just so sick. Doctor's orders.
She had a few scares too, and I remember at a couple of her routine check ups, she had to stay in a bit longer for her care givers to keep an eye on her. Everyone was getting a bit worried. She just wasn't having an easy time of it.
Me, I was in and out of my check ups in five minutes. I was fine. Baby was fine. I had no concerns. Blood pressure was good. My overall health and well-being was good and the baby was always measuring correct for dates. Pregnancy was a walk in the park. I loved it. I couldn't believe how lucky I was.
On Thursday 14 August, our due date, I was half way through sending this girl a text to wish her well. We're both really competitive, so it was a race to the finish line to see who'd have the baby first.
Then the phone rang. It was her sister in law, telling me she'd been in to hospital for a check up but as she was so unwell and her blood pressure wasn't playing nice, they decided to keep her in and induce her. Nuts! She beat me! I was jealous but happy for her as I know what a rough time she'd had.
Early the next morning, I went in to labour. I thought I might end up beating her afterall, or at least have the baby the same day. But I got up to a text message, saying she'd given birth to a big 10 pound baby girl. She had a rough labour, an epidural and was on bed rest for 36 hours after the birth. Still, baby was here and all was well.
Then it was just a matter of finding out how much further away I was and whether I had a girl, too! People always had fun comparing our bumps to see if they thought one was a bit high or a bit low or the same. One thing I have learnt with pregnancy is that everyone thinks they are an expert when it comes to bumps.
Fast forward three days time, after being sent home from hospital once and three or four phone calls to the birth suite to ask for help and why my labour was taking so long to progress and my baby died. The rest is history really, you've all been reading along.
But ever since, I have not been able to stop thinking about this girl and her baby. If you'd have stood us next to each other six months ago and been asked "which one of these two girls do you think will lose their baby?" I can almost guarantee no one will have said me.
I was the pregnant person other women were jealous of. I found it easy. I only put on nine kilograms. I didn't get puffy. I was only midly sick for about 12 weeks. How could this be?!?!
I don't for one second wish this girl's baby died instead of mine, far from it. I can only imagine how happy this baby has made that particular family. But why did mine die? Healthy mother, healthy baby, perfect pregnancy? WHY WHY WHY?
Now I think crazy thoughts like "I wish I had pre-eclampsia. I wish I had some other condition that made doctors take more notice of me. I wish I had a reason to be induced early to get the baby out safely in to my arms". It is all crazy, I know. I should count myself lucky I was so healthy and that my pregnancy was so unproblematic, but right now I don't.
I think about this girl all day. I dream about her. I worry about bumping in to her, hair shiny and lovely, glowing skin, pushing her bub in the pram. Me, all disheveled, decidedly baby-less, weepy and pathetic. Her not knowing what to say. Me, running for the hills (and the nearest box of tissues).
Three months and a half months, I still really can't belive this happened. That this is how it turned out. That her baby is here and alive (and probably doing all sorts of cutesy things by now) and my Hope is dead. And I'm not really sure I'm ever be able to believe it.
And of course she had to have a girl, didn't she?
#MicroblogMondays: Olympic hangover
7 hours ago
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So frustrating. I know, I had the "perfect pregnancy" (other than gestational diabetes in the end which I managed perfectly); people always told me "you are the most beautiful pregnant woman - you glow" and had the 5 minute doctor examines. Blood pressure? Fine. Baby heartbeat? Great. Utrasounds? Perfect. And then it all went to shit. Next time, park me at the hospital at 20 weeks and strap a fetal monitor to me for the next 20, thanks. Just not fair. Thinking of you & Hope.
ReplyDeleteI think this girl probably thinks of you too all the time. I know that doesn't help at all. She will hide from you. She won't want to put her baby in your face.
ReplyDeleteIt is just so tough Sally. As much as I love you I wish we never met, that would have meant your Hopey was still here and that you would never have found GLOW.
But this is the reality of it. I hate that you are in pain. Just know that we are all here for you.
You are never alone.
Love you
x
You're not alone at all. We all understand.
ReplyDeleteIt's all so wrong.
I think about the women I saw in the clinic and at the doctors office... the heavily pregnant woman outside the maternity unit smoking... the girl at work who got pregnant accidentally and easily... and I hate them all and I'm jealous of them all.
It's not fair and it's monstrously awful that babies die.
Love and hugs for you.
xxx
I had a friend and a cousin who were both due the same week as me. Did the same..comparing symptoms, baby bumps etc. Just a few weeks before Ezra died, saw my cousin at the beach and we compared notes on what baby preparations we'd made, what was left to do. Fast forward to now and I've yet to receive condolences from said friend or cousin. They've both had their babies...word of course trickled back to me. And I think about them all the time. I thought we'd be raising our babies together. Now I can't imagine ever speaking to either of them again, let alone meeting their babies.
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not alone. And it so SUX.
ReplyDeleteMy pregnancy buddy, my friend on our neighbouring property, is due 17/12. Ciaran should be almost 3 months by then. And another friend, who has just come back to oz to have her baby, after not contacting me since Mar (when hers was apparently conceived and that's a whole other unfair story) is due 20/12. And tomorrow is the 1st. And I already burst into tears thinking about their babies. I wish them nothing but the best, but why can't I be enjoying being a mummy and anticipating them becoming one too? They're about to join that 'mummy club' that I never actually made it to. I'm still at the glass looking in, and getting pity looks.
xx
This is just so hard. You have enough reminders around you throughout the year of what happened and when, this just doesn't seem fair.
ReplyDeleteReally, nine kilo? Well done. I know it doesn't mean much right now, but appealing to a girl's good figure is always a compliment, right?
I just want to say that that is a terribly 'shadow' baby to deal with.
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand what you mean about the easy pregnancy and low risk. 5 min doctor appts. are obviously not long enough - that's how they make their money - 5 min for us 'low-riskers'.
Sally - after reading your comment on Carol's recent post I wonder if you ever read, this one:
ReplyDeletehttp://buildingheavenlybridges.blogspot.com/2008/09/burning-bush.html
from the early days of my blog?
It is a true testament to our children's strength of spirit and ability to present anywhere in our earthly lives.
Thinking of you -always. xoxo