Random ramblings

As if the "shadow baby" in the post from yesterday wasn't bad enough, I'm also waiting for news on two friends now overdue. One is 40 weeks 6 days with her third child, the other is 40 weeks 4 days with her first.

Overdue babies scare me. Overdue babies mean trouble to me. My overdue baby didn't make it because my midwives just left her in me too long. So long, her safe watery home slowly trickled away without my knowledge and a nasty bug crept in and took her from me.

I'm on the edge of my seat for them both. But I expect nothing but happy endings. I want to hear their news, but I don't want to see photos. I don't need any more reminders of exactly what I missed out on.

I never wanted to go past my due date. I have never been late for anything in my life and I'm well known for that. Everyone said how ironic it would be if the baby came late. People started to think it was quite funny with each day that went by after my due date. At about 38 weeks, I remember a strong feeling coming over me. I remember it well. I was ready. I thought the baby was ready, too. She'd dropped right down. The midwives told me her head was engaged. I'd been on maternity leave for two weeks already. I had absolutely nothing left to do. Everything was in place and ready. It was time. Was she trying to tell me something? Did she sense danger up ahead? Did she want to come out? Was she trying to send me a message? I hate hindsight. It's a bitch.

So spring finishes tomorrow. My favourite season has passed and I don't have my baby and I'm not pregnant again. And now summer is here. Summer brings people outside. Families get together and celebrate the end of the year and that other day that starts with "Christ" and ends in "mas". The weather is nice. People are happy. I am not happy. And I do not want to be near people and I do not want to be outside enjoying the sunshine. And I especially want nothing to do with Christmas. Everything serves as a reminder of what I don't have and what I should have.

I just want to go to sleep for all of December and get up when this year is over. The best and worst year of my life.

Simon made beer today. Home brewing is his favourite thing to do in the whole wide world. And I have come to enjoy it, too. The grains, hops, yeast and water. I love the smell of it all when it starts boiling. He gets like a crazy, mad scientist when he brews. It takes all day and he makes a huge mess. He knew when the baby arrived he wouldn't really have much time to brew nor the desire, as he knew he'd want to spend his weekends and spare time entertaining his brand new daughter. He'd have plenty of time to teach her how to brew down the track some time. She'd get in his way and make mischief just like I do when he brews.

Now we have all the time in the world again. And we need to make this time go faster by trying to stay busy doing the things we enjoy, or at least the things we used to enjoy. Enjoyment is hard to come by these days. We just want these childless parenthood days to fly by. They are not. I wish I could fast forward my way out of this. These are dark days.

I'm just so completely flat and indifferent to everything going on around me now. And I'm bored. So very bored. I don't want to go back to work (they gave my job away anyway). I don't want to look for a new job (I don't think I'd be any good in an interview right now). I don't want to do a course or do any more study. I don't want to do work from home. I don't want to take up a hobby. I just want my baby. And I'm well aware I can't have that. And also quite aware, that I'm a fair way away from another one.

Struggling to make sense of her death. Because it was 100 per cent preventable. If she'd just come out a day or two earlier, she'd be fine, here and in my arms. Surrounded by love. Infections don't have to always end up as a stillbirth. I can't understand why bacterial swabs are only done at 36 weeks when bacteria can obviously come and go within a few days or a week. How easy would it be to swab women weekly from 36 weeks onwards? It is also highly likely the bacteria came from a nurse giving me an internal examination when I was one day past my due date, in hospital and in early labour (when I was sent home). I have no idea where this bacteria came from, so that is a real possibility. Some things will just never make sense to me. It is all such an utter waste. Babies like Hope, and many of the other little ones I read about should just not die. We have all the medicine and science in the world, and the supposed experts who know what to do with it, yet some of our babies just slip through the cracks. It is just so bloody unfair. How did I end up so unlucky? How did I get here?

I just miss her so much today. I hate being so lonely.

Time for my green tea now. Supposedly the antioxidants are good for the whole baby-making thing. A stiff drink would be good, but I'll stick with my tea.