Everything I'm missing

Sometimes I really become acutely aware of exactly what I'm missing.

My baby and my motherhood.

I had two friends over today with their one year olds. Same ones I've comfortably seen a few times now. I guess with each visit, it is getting easier to see them.

These kids are adorable and generally come in and have a great time chasing my dog around, pulling books of my book shelf and messing with the DVD player. They leave grubby finger prints on the couch and on the windows and my friend are always apologising for the mess they make and that I must always be glad when they leave.

I'm not.

I quite enjoy the chaos. I had nine months to get ready for a baby to come in and start making a mess of our house. I figured the couches would get grubby and books might get chewed. I didn't mind if my house went messy for a few days as I knew I'd be busy looking after a baby. That was the most important thing.

One of the bubs needed a nappy change, and my friend told me I better get out of the way, as it wasn't going to be pretty.

But I'd also got used to the idea that I was soon going to be wiping the bum of a small person. It didn't bother me, just as it didn't bother her. She even didn't have a change mat with her. I had one! I felt stupid offering it to her. I have all this damn stuff and no one to use it on.

It is like I joined the mummy club but I've been locked out of their meetings. I'm just sitting on the outside of it all, peering in.

Pregnancy? Check. Childbirth? Check. Raising a baby? Not yet.

The anti-Christmas feast is coming along. We started preparing the desserts today and had to make an orange and almond praline from scratch which will go in our filo pastries stuffed with marscapone cheese. It is almost getting a bit too much for us now, but we'll get there.

I have never been much in to Christmas. When I was a kid my parents' divorce and the death of my grandfather, both right around the time of Christmas took a lot of the joy out of it for me. In the 10 years I have known Simon though, I have come to enjoy it a whole lot more, as we make our own new traditions. We have been waiting a long time to add kids to the mix to make our new traditions even more special.

I remember my sister saying at Christmas two years ago, something along the lines of "would you hurry up and have a baby already so our Christmases can be fun again?" Well our Christmas last year was the best yet. It was the day we announced our special news. This year was supposed to be even better than that. Now it is quite simply going to be the worst. With food and family though, we are going to try and make it the best we can. We'll pop in to visit our daughter at the cemetery Christmas morning, and we'll enjoy our feast and the company of our loved ones and try to squeeze out a few smiles. I know Simon wont be able to stop smiling, now that he has managed to keg his own home brew and has it on tap on our deck.

There is only one thing, lets call it an uninvited visitor, who threatens to rain on our non-festive parade.

I have just had to tell myself there is nothing I can do about it, either way, and just try and take the news, whatever it is, as calmly as I can. Yeah right.....

The other thing that threatens to send me in to a tail spin is another meeting with our hospital tomorrow to go back over our case, review the new guidelines they have written as a result of the way they dicked us around and to discuss my future ante natal care, should I be so fortunate again to find myself pregnant.

I know going back to the place where horror lived is going to be hard for me, but I have to do it. I have to keep fighting for change. I have to keep fighting for Hope. My little baby is going to make a difference, I'll be sure of that.

Sometimes when I worry Hope is slipping further from my grasp, as the day she was born gets further and further away, I get another little sign again.

As I was cleaning up my kitchen today, there was ladybug on my bench. I have posted about ladybugs before, and how they keep appearing in my life now. I haven't written about them since, but they really are everywhere. I have seen them on my walks and at the hardware store - they really are everywhere. I picked this ladybug while rummaging around for my camera and took her outside. I placed her on Hope's stone in her garden. With Simon's help, I was able to get a few shots.

This might be a sad Christmas, but there is still some magic out there.

I hope you can all find some magic, too.