This time last year

I can't help playing the "this time last year" game. This time last year, six weeks pregnant, we were on holidays in Sydney with friends we made in Europe a year earlier.

We visited beautiful Sydney beaches and enjoyed the sunshine. We spent New Year's Eve 14 floors up at their friend's apartment watching the magnificent Sydney Harbour fireworks (if you look closely, you can see the Harbour Bridge and Opera House over Simon's shoulder - and the view was much better than it looked in this photo - trust me).

Despite my rampant morning sickness (which by this stage was more like all day sickness) and my extreme fatigue that made it almost impossible to see the midnight fireworks, I was still so damn happy. And glowing.

LOOK AT ME!

Today paints a very different picture.

I'm on the couch and I look scruffy. I'm grumpy and have stomach cramps. I'm not going to post any pictures of how I look today as I might it might not be good blogging etiquette because of the ugly factor. Seriously, there is no glow here anymore. Aint nothing pretty about this picture.

Simon is out for a bike ride with a friend we haven't seen since the funeral (and this will be the last bike ride he has for a while as I hear bike riding is not good for his "swimmers"). He had the foresight NOT to bring his wife here, who USED to be a good friend, as she's said some dumbass things to me in the last few months, and when she sent me a joke email about BABIES the other day, that was enough to strike her off the Christmas card list. Well everyone was struck off that list this year, but you know...

So Simon's friend came in. Beaming. "Been ages since we've seen you!" No really, I thought. It was the funeral. Does he think I forget that? Before that, it was the week before Hope was born when his wife proceeded to tell me she never bonded with her daughter (only four months old at the time) like she did her son. I thought this was a stupid thing to tell a woman who was about to give birth.

He hands me a big bunch of flowers and Simon a bottle of wine and exclaims: "Happy New Year!"

I know he meant well and his gestures were kind, but there is nothing happy about any of this. No Hope, and no new baby. And in a way, I'm sad to farewell this year. The only year I saw my daughter.

I wasn't even able to thank him. In fact I burst in to tears, brushed past him, bounded in to the bathroom, slammed the door then had a shower. A nice long, hot shower. I'm sure he thought "WTF is up with that crazy bitch?" I do wonder what people expect when they come here. Do people stop being happy when a baby is four months old? No. So I do not stop being sad because mine has been gone for four months.

I just want to be back where I was last year. I want my glow back. I want to feel that joy again.

Seems our little shopping expedition is not quite over yet either. The fridge has decided to pack it in. Woke up this morning to slightly warm milk on my cereal. Mmmm. So we bought a tv, a camera and a coffee machine we didn't really need. But we need a new fridge, and we didn't get one of those. It is all just money right? Who cares? Money is not important. People, people are important. And the most important person we know and the one we want more than anything is not here.

I am having a few reasons to smile now. I am looking after my Mum's dog while she's away camping for the New Year. Wilson, her dog, he's a wee bit anti-social and not much of a camper, but he loves me. He tolerates our dog and watching them play fight on our rug has been funny.

Anyway, time to hit the shops for a bit more retail therapy. I wonder if it will only be the fridge we come home with.....