Not this month

I'm not pregnant.

I'm surprised and I'm not. I figured it would be too good to be true to have my wish of being pregnant again by the end of the year. And it was. Stupid me thinking I was going to get this lovely Christmas present. And thanks must also go to my body for keeping me waiting for two days, making me think my wish had come true. No really, that was fun.

In August 2007, I wanted to be pregnant by the end of the year. And I was. And when I lost Hope in August this year, I said the same thing, I want to be pregnant again by the end of the year.

It happened so easily with Hope, I stupidly assumed it would be that way again. I have to stop assuming and I have to stop conjuring up these perfect little happy endings in my mind.

Hah, I thought falling pregnant again this cycle would be brilliant. I'd be due in early September, but would be induced two weeks early and would deliver right around Hope's birthday. This didn't bother me. I thought it would be nice to have my two babies born so close together (just preferably not on the same day). I read about so many women going on to have babies a year after suffering a full term loss. I wanted to be one of those women. Now I'm not going to be. Now I'm also going to have to be pregnant on her birthday. This thought scares me.

I know, I know, I just had a full term pregnancy, post term actually and the suffered an unimaginable loss. My mind and body need time to rest and recover. But I'm ready god damn it. Everything has been back to normal since about six weeks after the loss. Like friggen clock work. I'm doing all the right things, more than I did last time. Herbs, tonics, Chinese herbs, acupuncture and anything else I can think of but it still doesn't work out.

To try to come to terms with our negative news this month, we went out and shopped. It was stupid really. We spent a hideous amount of money on a bunch of crap we don't really need. But I think we both knew what we were doing. Buying stuff because we can't have that one thing we want more than anything. Stupidly trying to fill the huge void Hope left behind with stupid shit we don't need. So now we finally have a new TV. I have a flash new camera and Simon has a coffee machine to make his morning brew. Our credit card took a smashing and we feel no better and our baby is still not here. Hope, or a new baby.

My best friend is due in a week or so, and I really thought I'd be pregnant again by the the time she had her baby. I thought this would make it easier for me to see her when the baby does arrive. Now I'm not and I don't know what to do. I had images in my head of me visiting the hospital - still shattered but relieved to be carrying another tiny miracle inside of me. Now I'm going to visit her even more crushed and broken. With no life inside of me.

Each month that now passes just seems to make me feel worse, not better. People say it will be making me stronger, but I just feel worse.

Being a mother without a baby here to care for makes me feel like a complete waste of space. I'm a social outcast. I don't fit in to any nice little pigeon holes anymore. My life is such a mess.

I have to stop and remind myself though there is so much working in my favour. Mostly this is my age. I'm 29. I realise I have years on many other people I know who are in this shitty situation. My ability to conceive and carry to term easily before. Even to the point of naturally going in to labour and birthing my baby relatively easily, without too much strain and stress on my body (although I'm pretty sure my back will never be the same because of those last, difficult final pushes).

My cycles are all back to normal. I've had blood tests to check my hormone levels are all normal. I'm watching what I eat and drink (and so is Simon). We are doing everything right. Surely it is just a matter of time?

I mean there are six billion people on earth. They were all conceived and born, and the great majority of those didn't do it with the help, health care and support I'm now getting. This can't be that hard. I'm not a woman with fertility issues, I'm just a woman who was so incredibly unlucky to suffer a full term stillbirth. Random as lightning. I can do this again. I will do this again. This is what I was put on this earth to do, and I realised that when I first saw Hope's precious little face. I owe it to her to go on and finish what I started. To make a family. To properly become a mother. To mother with actions, not with words and thoughts. And to mother an actual child, not a spirit.

This is not how I wanted this blog to be. An "is she, isn't she" pregnant type blog. I refuse to sit here and spill out stuff about cycles, temperatures and my far from interesting signs of fertility. But right now, this is all my life is about. And there is no point telling me I need something to distract myself with. There is nothing that can distract me from this. And you will tell me I need to be more calm and relaxed to conceive, then I think it is a real catch-22. I'm stressed and anxious because I'm not conceiving and I'm probably not conceiving because I'm stressed and anxious. It is just such a nasty headspace to be in. I am just so sad this is my life now. This is all so unfair.

And now I of course have in my head, if I do conceive again soon, it really doesn't mean much except for what's happening in that very moment. This is the new and shittier version of me. Totally pessimistic and totally expecting the worst. Maybe it will be my turn to fall on the wrong side of the miscarriage odds. Maybe I'll lose this next baby at 6, 8 or 12 weeks. Who knows? I'm not immune to that randomness either. Maybe I'll find out at 20 weeks about a heart defect that will put the baby in grave danger when it is born. Maybe I'll suffer stillbirth at 36 weeks because of a cord accident this time. Who knows? All I know is, I know far too much about all the other things that can go wrong now. I need to know these things though, I want to go in next time armed with all the information I can get my hands on. I don't want to leave any stone unturned.

So 2008 was clearly not supposed to be our year. I was so excited when the calendar flipped over to 2008 back in January because I believed it would be the greatest year of our lives. And for eight months, it was. For those eight months, I carried my daughter. Close to my heart. She made me happier than I thought was possible. I have never known such a complete happiness. And to think things were only going to get HAPPIER once she was born! To go from where I was to where I am now is the worst thing I have ever known to happen to anyone, and it happened to me. To boring little old ME! How am I even still alive, how does any woman ever go on to survive this.....?

2009 just has to be our year. We have waited. We have been as patient as anyone could possibly be in our totally fucked up situation. And if it all works out for us this cycle, we'll be finding out our fate on or around Simon's 30th birthday. I feel like I have deprived him of so much, he lost his happy carefree wife and his beautiful baby girl, I just want to give him this magical birthday present. And then we'll be aiming for an early October baby, hopefully inducing in late September, right near my birthday. A spring baby just like me.

Please. Please. Please let this happen. I have gone so far beyond the point of desperation. October just seems like an absolute eternity away. But I will wait. I will wait and I will be patient and I will do whatever it takes. I just want to mother. I need to mother.

Please.