Reflecting

Been a few days now.

Guess you could say I've been busy. As busy as you can be when you have sweet fuck all to do. I've had truckloads more visitors the last few days and have seen quite a few more people I hadn't seen since the funeral.

I've also seen a naturopath to try and get my reproductive system in tip top shape and to try and help my heart heal, just a little bit.

My family have also made their way back over from Western Australia for Christmas. While there is no tree here and we will be doing none of the traditional Christmas things, we'll still be enjoying a meal here on the day. A huge feast, in fact.

I'm not going to Mum's and we're not going to Simon's Mum's, but instead we're having everyone here - and I'm cooking.

Might turn out to be a stupid idea, but I wanted to give this a go.

I'm not doing turkey or any of the other traditional Christmas fare, but rather a huge Middle Eastern banquet. Figure that's about as far from Christmassy as you can get, and I love that cuisine anyway. Also gives me a chance to cook out of one of my many cook books. This one happens to be my favourite and I just don't cook out of it enough.

There will be home made dips and breads, spicy chicken, chickpea and spinach parcels, a fish, green olive and (my own home made) preserved lemon tagine, a marinated leg of lamb cooked over hot coals and veggies, rice pilaf and cous cous. It will be a huge feast and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to it - both cooking it and eating it.

But I can't stop myself thinking though.... "this time last year". This time last year Simon and I were carrying around a very big secret. Only us and our GP knew and we were smiling on the inside.

I was starting to get a bit tired and sick and wondered if anyone had noticed. Most people assumed kids wouldn't be far away for us, especially considering by this stage we had been together nine years. We'd also been married for three years, so people had been asking us for quite a while.

Lately I've also been picturing myself doing exactly what I'm doing now, but with Hope. Walking along the street, I imagine myself pushing the pram. Sitting in the backyard, I imaging bouncing her on my knee. Sitting in restaurants, I imagine my family passing her around for a cuddle.

We were at a restaurant last night, and the waitress even asked us if we needed a baby's high chair. Slap in the face much?

Today it finally feels like summer, and I'm glad. Summer is my favourite time of year. It is hot, almost hot enough for the air-conditioner. But we never like to put the air-conditioner on the first hot day of the year, we really like to feel it.

Just like we continue to feel our heart ache every second of every day. No matter how busy we are, how many people we see, how many dinners we cook for friends and family, how many times we go shopping or eat out, she's always on our minds. We are always feeling the enormity of her loss.