Sentences

These are sentences I never thought I'd say, type, write or hear this year:

My baby died.

There is no heartbeat.

I'm so sorry.

We do not know the sex, I have not had her yet.

Yes please, come to the hospital now.

There is no fluid left around your baby.

My waters broke and I never noticed.

An infection got in and killed her in 24-48 hours, while I was in labour, after I was sent home.

She died four days past my due date and was born a day later.

Yes we would like an autopsy, please.

We need to take your baby to the morgue now.

I had a perfect pregnancy that ended in tragedy.

Hope was not the name we were going to give her if she was born alive.

This is going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do.

I delivered a dead child.

I had a stillborn baby.

I am a childless mother.

I buried a child at 28 years of age.

I wish I died instead of my baby.

You can have another one.

She will be buried at 2pm on Monday 25 August at Eltham Cemetery - everyone is welcome.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have no idea what you're going through.

I can't imagine how hard this must be.

I don't think I could survive this.

She was really beautiful.

We don't know what to say.

Is there anything we can do to help?

You are so brave and strong.

My baby died, my first born, sweet and precious beautiful baby girl.

These are the sentences I should have been saying, typing, writing and hearing this year:

My labour was long and childbirth hurt like hell, but it was oh so worth it.

Breastfeeding can be challenging but it is so rewarding to be able to nurture my baby like that.

My heart just melted when I heard her first cry.

She was all warm, pink and squirmy.

Newborns are so strong and feisty.

She reached up and put her little hand on my chest and my heart exploded with love.

Her eyes are blue, just like her Daddy's.

I never knew how many nappies a newborn baby could go through!

I'm tired and cranky but blissfully happy and smiling from the inside out.

My nipples hurt, but that's ok, I'm finally a mother.

When I first saw her smile it lit up the room and made my heart sing with joy.

I never thought I could know a happiness like this, she makes my life so complete.

I'm so worried about something happening to her, I don't know how I could live without her.

She looks so pretty in all those clothes everyone bought for her.

Lets get her photo taken with Santa for her first Christmas!

She's so damn cute Sally!

I feel so good to be using these cloth nappies, even if I am up to my eyeballs in washing.

Pregnancy was a joy, but it has got nothing on actual motherhood.

I'm so excited your baby is here and our children can grow up together.

I'm so happy you're pregnant - more babies - yay!

Oh my god, look how she's grown!

She's so chubby and adorable.

She loves her bath time, it makes her giggle.

Pushing a pram and walking the dog is hard, but so much fun.

We don't know when we'll have another one, we just want to enjoy this one for a while first.

We can't wait to take her to the beach this summer.

She rolled over - my child is a genius!

I am so not looking forward to going back to work as I just can't stand the thought of leaving her.

I can't wait to hear her say "I love you Mummy".

I am just so happy.

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My life is just a series of really boring events these days. People ask what I have been up to. The answer is always the same. Nothing.

The new fridge got delivered today. I went to the doctor to get my monthly paperwork filled out to once again declare me a total and permanent basket case so I can have another month off work and keep receiving income protection insurance payments.

It was a new doctor, as mine is on summer holidays. She looked about my age but acted if she was about 55. She was condescending. I bawled my eyes out. Again.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I always usually have plans on New Year's Eve. Tomorrow, well it is just Wednesday. Nothing special about the day, other than I get to farewell this year. The only year I saw my daughter. I think when Thursday rolls around, and it is 2009, it will feel like I have buried her all over again.

My family are all away camping, my best friend is due in a few days. Simon is at work and I'm bored and losing my mind.

Whoever said this gets easier with time? How much time are we talking here? Six months, two years, six years, 20 years, 50 years? I'm just so sick and tired of waiting.

While I do realise at some point it may not sting like it does now, I can't ever imagine not being sad. Even if some level of happiness returns. I could go on to have 10 babies, but I'll always be one down. That at any given moment on any given day for the rest of my life, tears will always be brimming at the surface.

I am just so tired and flat and lonely. This grief thing is so damn lonely and isolating.

Maybe I do really need this year to end? Maybe on Thursday I will all of a sudden wake up and feel better? I'm going out to get my hair done tomorrow, so at least I look a bit better and hopefully feel a bit better about myself. Maybe this new found confidence I'm hoping will come my way will make things a little bit easier for a new baby to come our way. Who knows, worth a try anyway. If another month goes by, I think I really might crumble.

Anyway, time to go and cook dinner. The world keeps spinning, I have to keep eating.

I somehow just have to keep going.