Hope's story - one night with Hope

After the photographer left, I got back in to bed and Hope lay beside me in her crib. We kissed her forehead and stroked her cheeks. We fussed over her and gently poked at her cute little button nose.

Narelle offered to do some foot and hand prints so she went away for half an hour or so with our baby to provide us with some precious memories. She bought our baby back all bundled up, looking as cute as ever. She had draped a gorgeous, pink quilt over her. It was Hope’s first present and we were touched. I thought I could leave this with Hope, but I decided to keep it as I would need all the physical reminders I could get my hands on to keep my memories of Hope alive. I hoped it would keep her beautiful smell on it.

The foot and hand prints were recorded in a little purple book. She also took a small lock of Hope’s hair and stuck it in the book. It was slightly curly and dark but in patches it looked lighter. We thought she’d probably end up blonde like me. I really didn’t care; I just wanted her alive, brown hair, blonde hair, pink hair, no hair.
Narelle’s shift eventually ended. When she came in to say goodbye to us, she handed me a small slip of pink paper with her phone number on it. She said she never gave out her number to patients, but that I was different, and that she would need to talk about the events of the day as much as I would. She had never delivered a full term stillborn baby before. She would need healing from this event like we would, just on a different level.

Amy who we had seen in the morning clocked back on. She had more tears and hugs for us. She gushed over Hope and kept repeating how very sorry she was. But Amy told us we had to leave the birthing suite and move to a ward. She assured us Hope would remain with us for as long as we wanted. I said if Simon had to go home, I was going too. There was no way he wasn’t staying with me and Hope. This is where we got to be spoilt again as the parents of a stillborn baby, Simon was allowed to stay.

The next part of our day wasn’t nice. We had to go to the ward with a sheet draped over Hope’s face. Awful. We were so proud of her but had to hide her from others. Amy wheeled me, Simon wheeled Hope. I looked down and avoided eye contact with everyone we went past. We went to a ward away from the happy mothers and babies but with Hope by our side. Simon got a fold out bed. The room had a fantastic view out over Melbourne's east. It mattered little.

The nurses up there on the ward were more matter of fact. They had a job to do, and they didn’t really know how to deal with the mother and the father and the dead baby. They were very clinical, taking my observations and checking how my bleeding was going. Looking a tad uncomfortable with Hope in our room and us carrying on as if she were alive and all was well. Shock is a strange thing.

Just before we got to sleep, the nurse said they were taking Hope down to “where it was cold”. I couldn’t believe it; I’d been assured our baby would be by our side as long we wanted. As long as I was a patient, Hope would be with me, her mother.

I told them they weren’t taking my baby, and the nurse said she would go and speak to one of her superiors. I think they realised they made a mistake, and that they had messed with the wrong woman, so they came back to tell us our Hope could stay.

Simon put her in bed with me. I hugged her. I fell asleep. This was the first sleep I’d had in days. And it was a deep, deep sleep. I felt at peace. Just me and my baby girl, just as it had been for nine months, except finally she had made it to the outside world.

But I woke myself up and said we should put Hope back in her crib. Given all the drugs I’d taken, I was worried I would roll over on her. I couldn’t do that to her, she needed a night alone too I guess. With a bit more space to herself. I kept the crib close to my bed, with my hand on it. I could see her and touch her. But she couldn’t see me. She couldn’t hear me. She couldn’t give me the love I was giving her.
I know Simon got some sleep that night but I barely slept a wink. Again. I had my post-labour pains to deal with and of course the bleeding. Bleeding for a baby I never got to keep, it seemed like the most horrible thing to endure.