Another anniversary slipped by today while we did our best to enjoy the day.
Hard not to. I did something I used to love - I went to the tennis. Day one of the Australian Open courtesy of free tickets from my wonderful friend (thanks, Tart xo). It was hot, we sat in the sun, we got all sweaty, ate icypoles and we cheered our hearts out for a few players we'd never really heard of.
Simon and I stole a glance when the clock ticked over to 4.35pm and that was pretty much all we did to mark the five months without her. Another month further away, another month closer to who knows what.
I know others really stop and feel the month anniversaries, but the way I look at it, there are a lot of 19ths to come in my life, so that's a lot of extra days to be extra sad. I'm sad every day anyway, I don't get more sad because it is the 19th. If anything, I'm probably sadder on the 18th. The day she died.
The day was as good as could be expected, but there's nothing like seeing a heavily-almost-ready-to-push pregnant woman smoking to really shit on the end of your day.
There she was, all big and round, sucking down so hard on her cancer stick, trying to finish it before the train pulled up. She even got on the train with it, still puffing away and quickly discarding of the butt as the train doors nearly closed on her arms.
There was only one stop to go before we got off. I stared her down for those few minutes. She saw me looking and averted her eyes a few times. I so wanted to reach in to my bag and pull my phone out with Hope's beautiful photo as my screen saver. I wanted to tell I have never been a smoker and didn't even stand NEAR smokers when pregnant. I wanted to tell her my healthy baby died in labour five days past my date after I did all the right things during pregnancy. I wanted to tell her how her chances of a stillbirth were SKYROCKETING as she sucked down on that fucking cigarette. I just wanted to tell her what a stupid fucking idiot she was!
We arrived at our station, and I gave her one more final death stare. She murmured something to me along the lines of "find somefink amusing do ya?" And I just said, "yeah, I do!" I left it at that. I'm sure a few bystanders wondered what all of that was about. And we walked home. She looked like a scary bitch and I thought she might come after us, but really, I think I can outrun a pregnant woman!
I know what will happen in a few weeks now. I'll see her pushing the pram.
At least by the time the six month anniversary rolls around, whatever happens, I'll be one month closer to pushing a pram myself.
Wild Garden Questions
23 hours ago
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It's frustrating seeing the injustice. I have a friend who had her baby while she smoked through the entire pregnancy recently (meaning after Sam died). I haven't seen either and did make a comment. We can hopefully reconcile this but I just don't understand.
ReplyDeleteI once screamed at a woman who was smoking with a big pregnant belly - how dare they Sally...... How could they?!
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you I am sorry for being a lousy friend lately. I won't go into excuse, just know I am sorry and that I will talk to you soon.
Love to you
Carly x
so frustrating and unfair! I know how it makes me feel to see someone smoking during pregnancy.. BEFORE I lost Dresden.. now it's so much worse!
ReplyDeleteDoes the last line of your post mean what I think it means????? I am smiling ear to ear if it does!! I have been waiting for a hint of something!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate encountering pregos like that. The injustice of it all is so in your face.
I try not to think of 20th's as anniversaries but then again I put a ticker on both my blogs that tell me even down to the second how long George has been gone. Sucker for punishment?
ReplyDeleteI saw a pregnant woman smoking not long after I went out there for the first time. I asked her how far gone she was, 23 weeks. I told her I'd just lost my son and why didn't she want her baby to be healthy? Was she stupid? She told me where to go and walked off. I hoped she took note but I doubt it.
Thinking of you with love.
xxx
Goodness. Are you??????
ReplyDelete'icypoles'
ReplyDeleteMust be an Australian thing :) Made my morning, I've never heard that before.
Glad you could enjoy your day. It's always harder for me the day(s) before and not on Serenity's delivery date. And I don't try to mark it, it comes to me. I am grateful for the days like you've had.
And the smoker. Argh.
I don't necessarily stop to feel the month anniversaries, but I find the day often marks itself to me. Even when I am not aware of the date, I often find myself struggling on the 17th. Anniversaries and milestones can seem like such important makers, though they are really often just another day.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it can be to see pregnant woman anyway, never mind pregnant women doing things like smoking. Ugh. I'm sorry. I do hope you are moving closer to pushing a pram yourself.
My husband gave up smoking as soon as he found out I was pregnant, and it was so hard, but I was very proud of him for doing it (and happy I didn't have to make him stay outside in a tent). This does make me especially rabid around pregnant women who smoke, though - all that work and sacrifice, and we still lost our baby, while someone who apparently doesn't give a crap will inevitably luck out.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you move into another month.
Well - now I'll be thinking about the "what if" implied in your post the rest of the day!
ReplyDeleteI once refused to serve a pregnant woman at the resturant. It was obvious, although I do seem to have a very accute prego-dar, but against the law. My boss made me.
Seriously???? WTF?? You can't serve a minor, but you can choose to down beers with a life inside you?
Women who abuse their babies before they are born should lose custody of them at birth. At least here in the US they do if they test positive for drugs or alcohol, but it doesn't make a bit of difference to the baby if the damage has already been done. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteNow on to the pressing issue of the dangling last sentence of your post...are you????????
ahhhhhhhh, no i'm not!! at least not yet. if i am i don't know it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the pressure!!
ReplyDeleteso many injustices. its hard to even think about, it hurts my head.
ReplyDeletesending preggo vibes your way. xoxo
i hear you about the anniversaries...every day is shitty and sad and that day doesn't mean that much to me, just another month further from lev's existence here on earth.
ReplyDeletei had a big smile thinking of you staring down that pg women, you go girl. oh i wish the world was a fair place and those smoking idiot mothers were the ones with the dead babies. and we who were so careful about every damn thing had our babies here alive.
Good for you- giving her the death glare! I wish I could be so bold to do that, because if they dare say something to me I'd tell them what for. Sadly, you are probably right, she will be toting around a happy, healthy baby. Or maybe her baby will have seizures like my niece, because her mom smoked. We'll never know.
ReplyDeleteHappy anniversary to you. I am sure Hope misses her mommy and daddy as much as they miss her.
Funny (not so haha) I've gone from feeling jealous around pregnant women to feeling absolutely terrified. For them. It's overwhelming. Babies still bring out the sad though.
ReplyDeleteAnd you'd think stories like ours would make people take their situations less for granted, but apparently not so very much, eh?
No pressure, Sally- just hopes and wishes for you.
ReplyDeleteWomen who smoke during pregnancy are high on the list of people I want to punch. But these days, that's an ever-growing list.
I too get angry when I see these women abuse their bodies when they are pregnant. I had a couple of women who were pregnant around the same time as me and smoked, drank and abused drugs and yet they arent feeling the same pain we feel... they get to hold their babies while we cry for our angels... I hate the injustice!
ReplyDeleteSophias Mommy
If only the world was fair... If only we all got what we deserved...
ReplyDeleteIf only there was a perfect formula: Looking after yourself in pregnancy = happy, healthy baby.
I cannot bear to see people smoking in pregnancy. Every time we go to the hospital for an appointment, there are always a few pregnant women standing outside puffing away on their cancer sticks. It galls me - do they have no shame? Standing there chatting away, nodding to their doctors as they walk by. It used to rile me before, now I cannot stand it all. I feel the veins at my temples about to pop I get so angry. I know it's been said a million times, but, why do you have to have a license to own a dog but not a baby?