Today is our four year wedding anniversary.We'd already been together six years when we got married, so it had been a long time coming. But we were young and not in any great rush. And anyway, in those early years, there was no way we could have afforded a wedding!
I was so happy on that day. So damn happy. So happy I remember saying it was like an out of body experience to my best friend and bridesmaid. I could never have imagined the happiness I would feel on that day.
But I knew deep down the real happy was to come. And that was when our first child was born. So many people wrote in our guest book something about babies. "Can't wait to meet your kids," "Looking forward to holding your babies very soon". Everyone knew we'd have kids and I suppose people thought it might have happened sooner than it did.
We knew we wanted to check a few more things off our "life list" before we added kids to the mix. They were mostly to take a few overseas trips and to buy a house. Check and check.
So I guess all that was left to do was to have a baby. And up until 40 weeks and 4 days of my pregnancy, that was all going very well....
I sort of feel like after four years of marriage, 10 years of being together, what have we got to show for it? A nice house, lots of photos from a holiday in Europe and the UK and broken hearts. Not enough. And not fair.
But you know what? When Hope was born was still the best time of our lives. It was still the time when we got to meet our precious first born baby and see her lovely little face. The coming together of our features and the result of so much hard work. The ultimate gift created out of our love. I guess all the days that follow though, have been the worst days of our lives.
Every day since without her has been a battle. And it is not really getting easier. But we are still so thankful to have known her. And I'm so thankful to have carried her for as long as I did. If people think I wished this never happened, that we could erase this awful chapter of our lives, then they are wrong. Because I'd rather have known her and lost her than to have never known her at all.
I guess we can only look forward to another happy time of having another child. Hopefully a child we get to bring home.
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I've been reading your blog for a while now, but after reading this post, I just had to comment.
ReplyDeleteYou might not know it yet, or feel it yet, but the words you wrote today, your happiness shone through.
No you will never be as happy as you were then, there will always be that piece of you that misses Hope, but you will be happy again, just in a different way.
It was such a lovely wedding.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Simon today.
xx
Your strength as a couple shines through. That's what keeps giving you hope and the courage to continue on, and when it comes to it, that strength will get you through your next pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteTo many more years together...
happy anniversary. you are such a lovely couple. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSending you my love on this very special day Sally.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, beautiful post.
Love to you and Simon
x
Happy anniversary!
ReplyDeleteHappy anniversary. Hugs to you and Simon.
ReplyDeleteHappy Anniversary! Try to enjoy your special day with your hubby! You created Hope together out of LOVE.. keep that love flowing momma! :)
ReplyDeleteHow ironic, that today is your four year wedding anniversary. Four years ago today, we lost Teagyn. I am four years ahead of you on the greif train, and I can tell you that it does get better. That you will find happiness once again. It will never be the same, but I promise you, that you will be able to smile again.
ReplyDeleteBelow is part of a post from my blog. I hope it helps you understand where you might be four years from now.
Grief is an intense state, it hurts your being. It takes away your breath.It makes you see life through a different pair of glasses. While grieving nothing else or no one else matters. You just do what you have to in order to survive.There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. How was I supposed to live life without Teagyn she was my life, our life, our life revolved around Teagyn, and her medical needs.
In the four years since Teagyn's passing, I no longer cry myself to sleep at night. When I think of Teagyn they are of the great times we spent together. It is of her big brown eyes, her sweet pearly white smile.
I remember the walks, the vacations, the sunny days floating in the pool with Teagyn. I remember her laugh, her facial expressions, I remember her favorite foods (chocolate, slurpee's, tomato soup, apple sauce)
Oh I remember it all...
Now don't get my wrong, I would give anything to see her a again, to have found a cure for her disease. I grieve for the times we do not get to share, birthdays, holidays, first days of school, shopping tips, sleepovers, and summer holidays.
When I think of Teagyn, I smile.
Happy anniversary Sally and Simon.
ReplyDeleteJackie is right, your happiness does shine through, and it's what will heal you both.
Such lovely, lovely photographs. You look so beautiful.
xxx
(I found my way here by way of another blog)
ReplyDeleteHappy Anniversary. You are such a beautiful couple and your little Hope is gorgeous, too.
I am just over two years into this journey down the road of grief-- my Sophie was born still at 40 weeks-- and if there is just one thing I like to share with people who are just starting, or are in the early months, it is that it does get easier. It really does.
Again, Happy Anniversary & I hope you don't mind if I follow your blog. :)
happy anniversary sally and simon. always thinking of you guys.
ReplyDeletexo