One thing missing

I have always been a very organised person.

Everything in my life has always been arranged in to neat little packages.

Just now, I was looking through my photo files on this computer and there is "Our wedding", "Our holiday", "Our house", and "Our Hope".

The four big things in our life, all packaged up neatly like that in to pretty little electronic folders. Neat and tidy. We had the wedding, it was beautiful. Warm summers day, surrounded by friends and family. Food and dancing. So much love. Then a nine week trip to Europe, the UK and Asia quickly on the way home. Then a year later we bought our beautiful little two bedroom house. We were so lucky and everything in our lives was running so smoothly.

There is such an obvious hole now. There is only one thing missing.

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Our house is almost brand new.

It was built in early 2007 and we bought it and moved in during July 2007 - the first people to ever live in it.

Even though it was brand new, it still needed some work. I guess it was like a blank canvas. Our job was to turn it from a shell in to a home. A warm and cozy place where friends and family would always feel welcome.

There was never any doubt what our second bedroom was going to be used for. At first we called it the spare room. Or the junk room. But when we'd have visitors, they'd all say the same thing: "so I guess this will eventually be the nursery?"

Sometimes we'd tell them to bugger off and mind their own business, other times I'd get a wry smile and nod along. Knowing full well, that our "plans" were to be well and truly pregnant by the end of 2007. And lucky me, I was.

In the 18 months we've been here, we've had a lot done. Furnished it. Installed blinds. Built a decking and pergola. Installed air conditioning. A clothes line. Built a shed. Hung artwork on the walls.

But with the pregnancy, a lot of the plans for the house went on hold. We got the urgent things done. The stuff that absolutely-must-be-done-cannot-wait-until-the-baby-is-born-urgent things. The rest of it, we knew we'd get around to it one day. We always had a list of things we needed/wanted, but we also had a list of baby stuff and most of those fell in to the needed category. Pram, cot, car seat, cloth nappies and on and on it goes. And over the nine months, we bought it all.

So the pregnancy ends. The baby dies and all we are left with is our list. Everything on the baby list has been taken care of - there is absolutely nothing left we need to get. If I were to have a baby tomorrow, I'd be set.

And over the last four months, we've been able to cross most things off our other list. New fridge, new TV. Simon has figured out a way to keg his own beer (yes, this was on our list), we've rearranged the laundry, planted a garden, had some more powerpoints and lights put in by my electrician brother. We are suddenly left with a perfect home with nothing left to do.

One thing missing, a baby.

I'm not sure who though. Is it Hope we are missing or a new baby? Or both? Do I wish she was here, or do I wish for her sibling to hurry up and join us? I know I can't have Hope back, so I guess it is her sibling I yearn for now, but I'm now yearning for someone who not only do I not know, does not even exist yet.

There is just such a big hole here for us to fill. I can only hope with all of my heart that we will fill that hole, at least part of it, very, very soon.

I need another little neatly packaged folder, even though I know this next child's life will be anything but neatly packaged, because of the catastrophic events that led to his or her arrival.