Glow in the Woods - 7x7 January 2009: seasons, holidays and -versaries

Go over to Glow in the Woods to play along.....

1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?

Joy, innocence, happiness and motherhood. This year, I hope to get some of it back. All of it, if I can. Just in a different form.

2 We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally?

I was never much in to Christmas. My parents' divorce and the death of my grandfather soured my feelings towards this time of year as a kid. Then 10 years ago, I met my husband, and we went about ways to make sure I enjoyed it again. Last Christmas, we announced to our families we were six weeks pregnant. It was the best Christmas I've ever had, and I knew I had an even better one ahead of me, all things going well. This Christmas, we mourned the four month anniversary of our daughter's death. Turns out, things did not go so well. I could not stand the thought of visiting family this Christmas, so instead I had my family here. And my husband and I cooked. And cooked and cooked and cooked. We had a huge Middle Eastern feast, and none of us come from anywhere remotely near the Middle East. We just wanted to do something as non-Christmasey as possible. There was no turkey, to tree, no lights or no carols. Just family and food. Good food. It was so hard though. Just those endless thoughts of what SHOULD have been.

3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?

We visited her at the cemetery Christmas morning. We left her flowers. My mother in law bought her two presents - a "hope" Christmas decoration, to hang on our tree in years to come and some beautiful crystal angel wings. They will hang in our kitchen window all year round. My mother wrote her a poem. I have that poem tucked in to the blankets of her cot - still freshly made and waiting for her arrival. Simon and I didn't really do anything specific as such to remember or honour her. I guess we do that every second of every day. She's just always there.

4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?

Well, it is still very early days for us. My birthday was just a few weeks after hers and I did not want to know about it - how could I celebrate the day I was born when the day she was born, she was dead? Father's Day here in Australia was only two weeks after we lost her, so that was hard for Simon. That was the first time we went back to visit her at the cemetery. The soil was still fresh and there was no grave marker yet. It was awful. I'm scared of all the "firsts" I'm going to encounter this year. I only hope to be pregnant again when it comes to facing most of them. To feel the joy of another little life inside of me, to take the sting out of it a bit.

5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?

We will, for sure. I guess I don't know what yet, as it is still seven and a bit months away. Her birthday I guess will be a celebration. I'm thinking cake, lots of cake. Maybe cupcakes. But her deathday (which was the day before her birthday) I think will be terribly hard. That is by far the worst day of my life. I can still smile thinking about her birthday, even though she was gone when she arrived.

6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?

It is summer where I am and it is hot. Summer has ALWAYS been my favourite time of year. Sunshine, beaches, icecream, warm nights - I love it all. The joy of this time of year is gone for me now. Winter has always been my least favourite time of year. Falling in the middle of the year, I'm always tired and looking forward to summer and the end of the year. Last year though, I was looking forward to winter for the first time in my life. Because I was going to have a winter baby. If I used to hate winter, now I really, really hate winter. Winter, along with the miserable weather, brought with it the death of our first child.

7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

Sometimes I wonder if I really am going forwards. I try to put one foot in front of the other, but it is so hard. I'm stumbling all the time. My husband is a wonderful, loving man and he's held my hand every step of the way. So have my family, so have many of my friends. My dog also loves me in a way no human ever could. I guess I also come "here" to find a way forward. To feel like less of a freak of nature and to feel more normal. Less alone. I'm really banking on another pregnancy right now to drag me forward. To have a reason to look forward. To have a renewed purpose in life and a reason to get out of bed. Right now I feel so stuck. Stuck in childless motherhood hell. They say time heals, but I am really sick of waiting...