I have already made it to 2009, to the other side, and I can tell you from over here..... it does not feel much better.
More of the same. More sadness. More of that dull ache. More missing.
Simon and I had as good a night as we possibly could have last night.
We took the dogs for a walk up to a park on a hill and watched the sunset over Melbourne. We watched as the sun went down on the last day of what has been the best and worst year of our lives. The year where we went from the happiest we'd ever been to the saddest we'd ever been in quite literally a heartbeat. That heartbeat, was Hope's last, sometime around 10am on Monday 18 August.
We took the new camera up there to get a few pics. I have decided on looking back at the photos I hate the new hair do. But in general, I think I just hate the way the new Sally looks. Sad, tired and broken.
We came home and watched a movie, that went right through to the crossing over in to the New Year. I caught a quick glimpse at the clock and it was 11.59pm so I reached over and gave Simon a kiss, just as we have done every New Year's Eve for the past nine years. Except this year there was no booze, no music, no friends, no laughter, no fireworks, no excitement and no joy. It was simply one day turning in to the next. One year behind us, another one in front of us. A new year that will be filled with so many firsts. So many thoughts of what could have been. What should have been.
I wish I could say the sun was shining a little brighter over here, 12 hours in to the new year, but it isn't, not yet.
There is plenty of time though.
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We'll be joining you on the other side in a bit over two hours.
ReplyDeleteNew Sally is sad, I know, but she looks like she fits perfectly with the New Simon. And looks a bit better for being next to him. Yes?
And if it helps, 23 months out, and a new baby in the next room, I am still sad. I have decided that I will be surprised if I am not to some degree always sad. It gets easier in the sense that I am not usually drowning these days, but always floating on the ocean of it. But the difference is that I can also be happy. I can be happy and sad at the same time. I think it may be the best I will ever get, or for a very long while. But I will take it.
And that is what I wish for you this year, and for years to come-- to be happy even while you are sad. It's not the same kind of wild unabridged happy, but it will do.
So Happy New Year, Sally.
wishing you much peace and love in 2009 Sally. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI wish you joy and love and time to heal. I wish you well and for you to know that we are here for you and with you in the journey into 2009. Rach xxx
ReplyDeleteSally, Simon and Hope Angel, wishing you peace and happiness for 2009, our hearts have a hole in them which we can never patch up, but let's pray that some Hope and Harry angel dust will give us some more shining glow of love- I think it's the best quality of sparkling majical dust you can find out there to help ease our pain...angel dust is worth millions...Love Louxx
ReplyDeleteSally - you are the picture of grief, but so obviously at some peace with your meant-to-be husband next to you. The shot of the two of you together makes me smile and cry at the same time.
ReplyDeleteMuch love flying over the seas to you both - and sweet Hope, of course.
Happy New Year Sally. I hope 2009 is kind to you and some inner peace comes your way.
ReplyDeleteRemember those incredible women, Sally, the ones who carry all they have lived in their beautiful-unlike-any-other-kind-of-beauty faces... Love for 2009.
ReplyDeletehappy new year sally. as always, thinking of you. we had a lovely new years with our family and played a lot of rockband. i highly suggest getting it as a way of blowing off steam and getting out some anger. have you heard of it? and its also really really fun. it wasn't the new years we were expecting, but we somehow had to do what felt appropriate. we deserve much peace, love & abundance in this new year. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSally
ReplyDeleteI read your narratives and whilst the circumstances that took away our children are different, I feel as though I am walking in your footsteps. The same thoughts, the same feelings, many observations the same. Your blog inspires me. Thank you for sharing, because it makes it easier for me and for others to have the courage to do the same.
I wish more to you...of everything and all that you need, that is possible. Big hugs J
Your sad eyes are haunting, Sally. Just haunting.
ReplyDeleteGlad you made it to the other side. Wishing you a peaceful 2009 and something to take some of the sadness away, even a little of it. XO.