Deserving

A lot of people have said to me recently that I deserve happiness. That I deserve to go on and have more babies. That I deserve to go on and have a good life.

And they would be right; I do.

But I am no more deserving than the next person.

Not the 16 year old, chain-smoking junkie who does not know the father of her unborn child. Not the Aboriginal living in outback Australia who through no fault of her own, has never heard of a pre-natal vitamin. Not the 38-year-old clean cut, healthy and happily married woman has struggled through years of infertility. And for the record, she is also no more deserving than me either.

There are six billion or so of us on this planet, and despite what many radicals may think, we are all equal. And we all deserve to be happy. We all deserve the good things in life.

But being deserving does not mean we are going to get it. I'm slowly learning, you get what you are given, whatever life decides to dish up for you, and you just have to try and make the best of it. Even if what you got given, was a big slice of Grief Pie that you didn't order in the first place.

I deserved Hope and I deserve another baby. But I can't have Hope back and no one can guarantee me another baby. There is every chance that will happen, in time. Maybe even a couple more times. And how wonderful that will be. But there is also a chance my 29 year old ovaries will just give up on me well before their time. Or Simon will get run over by a bus. Or I'll get run over by a bus. None of us know what is around the corner, none of us know what the future holds. And when you think about it, that is terrifying. Why do any of us ever step outside our doors each day?

I have so many pregnant friends now, and I think about them, as they glide towards the finish line. They are no doubt assembling cots, painting nurseries, pre-washing and folding clothes ready for the big arrival. Assuming. I did all of that too, you know! And I'm pissed as hell that innocence is gone and I'll never be able to assume like that again. In all likelihood, all of my friends who are going through these motions now, will not end up where I am. In Grief Town. But then I think you know what, they might. And that is morbid and awful, but they might. I hope with all my heart they don't. But they might. There is just no way of knowing. None of my friends deserve this life either. Just as I didn't. They all deserve happiness, just as I do. But this world is fragile and uncertain and things can change in a heartbeat, or in my case, in the lack of a heartbeat.

Even though I am deserving, there is just no way of knowing if I'm going to get what I want. I really must have pissed someone off in a former life though, because I have no idea what I did to deserve this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just got a text from an old friend who has obviously just had her first baby. She was a great support to me in those first few weeks after I lost Hope, but our emails turned sour eventually as while I know she was trying to help, she was just being TOO positive and TOO cheery for me.

She kept telling me to look on the bright side and think of Hope and smile and look forward to my happy future. Two months out from my loss, this was too much for me to take. And she also became harder for me to stay in touch with as her belly grew. Yes, I was and still am very jealous.

This girl has had her own tragedies to deal with in life. She lost her Mum far too young and she was in a huge car accident a few years ago that should have claimed her life. It was a miracle she survived. A true miracle.

So I can only assume now her baby is here and safe because I got this text this morning:

"I will never understand what you have been put through. I apologise for trying to help you see the positive side and I thank you for telling me not to fuck off, for telling everyone to fuck off for that matter. No one could ever understand the depths of your despair Sall. I have cried many tears for you and Hope. It is so unfair and cruel. I send you my love."

I told her she would get it when her baby arrived. Her little girl. And now she does. I wrote back to her to say thanks, but I have not heard back. One can only assume she's busy taking care of her newborn.

I feel sick just thinking about it. She's right, this isn't fair.