So warm, pink and wriggly.
Soft, sweet smelling. A full head of hair. Little scratches on her face from hands that wave around.
And her cry! Piercing and sharp! She knew what she wanted, and she was hungry.
I guess that was my cue to leave....
I held her though. For a good ten minutes or so. A familiar weight in my arms, a comfortable bundle. Same weight as my darling. It was hard but it also felt right. I knew this was something I had to do and I'm proud of me for getting through it.
She knew she was having a girl. Didn't tell a soul though. Found out just a few days before I lost Hope. Her pain must have been intensified when she saw I'd birthed a girl. Just as my pain was intensified when I heard she'd birthed a girl.
Hard being back it the same hospital. Visiting the unfamiliar maternity ward. Where dreams come true. Where smiles are real and wide. Where happiness lives. The one part of that hospital I am entirely unfamiliar with. The place I dreamt of bonding with my new baby. A happy place.
I "Hoped" the hospital. I put a few copies of her thank you/birth announcement card around the place. So many noticeboards filled with so many pictures of so many babies. But one was missing!
My baby was born there! But she was not on any noticeboard. She is not viewed as a regular baby like the rest of them. So I made her one. I put her out there. On the noticeboard, in the hallway. Where no doubt dozens of happy people walk past each day. I put my Hope out there.
Here she is again. I'm so proud of my daughter today. She might not have grabbed my finger, but she was real and mine and a regular baby just like the rest of them.
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That was very brave of you to go visit and especially hold her. I don't know many mamas out here who would have done that at 1 year out, much less 4-5 months out. I hope your friend understands enough to know that it was very difficult for you to do that.
ReplyDeleteAnd Hope is a gorgeous baby. I am so sorry she is not here with you today.
Sally, I'm so proud of you for going. I would never have been able to do that.
ReplyDeleteBut the crying in the restaurant; I've been there.
Peace to you, my friend.
Last night I spent the entire evening reading your story , I can't even begin to express how sorry I am that you lost Hope , she is a beautiful little sweet baby girl , and it is so unfair that she was taken from you , I couldn't comment last night , my eyes were burning with the tears that flowed and my heart ached for you .
ReplyDeleteIt was like reliving my brothers story , which took place just over week ago .
How can this happeen to so many , I knew it did , I was a fearful pregnant woman , always worried , but I never thought so many mothers and father lost their babies so suddenly , it is unbearable and preventable , mothers need to be educated and informed better than they are , monitoring needs to be much tighter , it is unacceptable .
No mother should go through this pain and I am sorry that you are .
My thoughts are with you ,
Chris
So proud of you, Sally. Both for meeting the baby and for making sure that the world knows that Hope was born at that hospital, too. I'm sitting here tearing up, in awe of your courage. You will never have to meet that baby again for the first time.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I think maybe Hope was holding your finger too.
ReplyDeletexxx
oh, you are a brave momma indeed! I haven't held any babies yet, and don't even want to.. until I can hold one of mine again (hopefully this year!). I'm glad you went, and held her, and put a bit of Hope around the hospital. You are a beautiful strong momma!
ReplyDeletegood job going ot see your friend and her baby. the anxiety leading up to it was probably worse than it really was...
ReplyDeleteAnd great idea posting birth notices about Hope. Awesome
she is a lovely baby. truly.
ReplyDeleteProud of you Sally. I hope I have the same bravery when my niece is born in a couple months. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSally,
ReplyDeleteJust got back from visiting my husband's best friends and their baby. I was back and forth all day about whether to go and almost didn't make it. In the end, I thought, "Well, if Sally can do it, I can try too", and off I went. It was an intense and draining visit, but I made it. So thanks for giving me the strength to do that.
Hugs.
-Danielle
Sally,
ReplyDeleteDani's comment above made me cry. You are helping women. You are amazing. I am proud to call you my friend.
LOve to you
Carly x
Wow you sure are amazing. Good for you for putting her on the noticeboard. You astound me. What a beautiful girl you must me. And what a perfect baby Hope is. I too hope your girlfriend understands the best she can how absolutly hard this is for you..and appreciates the effort and sacrifice you make by being there and will continue to be in the months/years ahead.
ReplyDeleteShe grabbed your heart Sally and never let go! She never will and that is why you can "Hope" the hospital, walk back in to the place that let you down in the worst way and hold another's baby.
ReplyDeleteOh Hope - stay strong within your mama! She is touching so many lives!
wow, amazing sally. as strong as i feel sometimes, i still haven't seen my best friends new baby who was born a month after silas. she understands but i wish i could do it. all my friends who had babies this fall like us- i am unable to talk to or see. it devastates me. a good friend is having a baby in a few weeks. i'm having anxiety about it. i think that if you can do it, maybe i can too. but i don't know. i guess, like everything these days, i'll take it minute by minute and do what feels ok at the time.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I'm proud of you and Hope too, Sally.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful thing you did for Hope and for you. She absolutely belongs on that board. She deserves to be seen and treasured by everyone, just as they do the other babies.
ReplyDeleteWay to go mom. Way to go!
xxoo
You are very brave. I had to do this recently - I couldn't face the hospital and waited until they were home. Actually we met in a cafe - a public place. I still cried and cried. But I didn't care. She didn't care. And the gorgeous baby just slept. I am yet to hold a new baby girl. I don't want to, not yet. Not now with Alice's due date only days away...x
ReplyDeleteShe is absolutely beautiful, breathtaking.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches with yours...I am so very sorry.
Your daughter is beautiful, I am so sorry for your loss. **HUG**
ReplyDeleteI think you did a remarkable thing, Sally. The first time I held a baby post Callum was almost a year after he died and I cried and cried and cried. Good thing it was the baby of a fellow dbm, so she understood...and that meant everything to me.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "Hope-ing" the hospital. I love it. She should be there, will all the others, because she was a baby...just like the rest of them. XO.
Your Hope is beautiful. I think sharing her picture in the hospital was a wonderful thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely, wholeheartedly agree with every single thing every other person said. You are amazingly strong.
ReplyDeleteHope deserves to be on that board, and way to go, momma, for making sure she is.
You are absolutely a remarkable woman. <3
The comments are so encouraging. When I was in a similar situation 2 months after my daughter's death people constantly told me how strong and amazing I was. Truth is, I didn't feel very strong or amazing. I just wanted to be there for someone else besides myself for a change. It was exhausting, painful and beautiful all at the same time. Witnessing a live birth was kind of like piercing my heart with a nettle ... the nettle causes pain, yet eases it at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't hold the babies who should have grown up with Henry for a long time. When we would be places with them, I had to ease myself into even looking at them. I give you a lot of credit. And I'm glad you put Hope on the picture boards with all the other babies.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you...
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking of me, **HUG** I am just having the worst few days, I hope you are doing ok today. I love looking at your daughter, she is so beautiful. **BEAR HUG**
ReplyDeleteVery brave of you to do this, and so very beautifully written. Every one of our babies are so worthy of remembrance...and your baby's photo - it is stunning.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss and that you were cheated of a life with her.
We haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you are okay.
ReplyDelete-connie davis
She is your baby, and she will always be your baby!!! And I must say, she is PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL and BREATHTAKING!
ReplyDelete