I hate my life right now

Feeling really shitty today.

I think I am noticing a pattern and it is when I'm home alone. It also usually comes after another interaction with the hospital, and that came yesterday afternoon.

It has been agreed by all (Simon, Mum and hospital) I need to see a psychiatrist, but the HOSPITAL WONT SEE ME! The same hospital who sent a labouring overdue mother home to go and "relax" and while I was "relaxing" my fucking baby died. On their watches. Under their supposed care.

They said I would need to see my GP to get a referral to see another psych. Which means more out of pocket expenses for me. I'm just not going to do that. That hospital was responsible for my physical well being while pregnant/giving birth, now they are responsible for the shitty mess of a human being they have left behind. For my emotional and mental health. They did this to me. They should be trying to fix me. I'm reluctant to do this in the first place, so if I am going to follow through, I need it to be easy for me. Even though that hospital is where horror lived for me, I have been back there plenty of times now that I don't find it that hard. Strangely, I also feel quite attached to the place. It is the only place Hope knew. Well, I guess she knew the hospital next door (where Simon works), where she had her autopsy. And the back of the funeral car. And the funeral parlour which I had no idea where it was. I hated those five days before she was buried having NO IDEA where my child was. I remember always asking my mum "where is she?"

Things are bothering me today, and I think another reason is probably because we are edging closer to finding out our fate this month. So many women go on to have babies so quickly after a full term loss. I assumed that would be me - you know I'm young, healthy with no known fertility issues. And it was easy the first time, so I assumed it would be easy again. It has been five months now. I could have been a good couple of months pregnant by now. But I'm not, and I guess in a way that is a good thing. Need to let my body heal. Blah blah blah. But mentally, I don't know how much longer I can take this. I just can't explain exactly how much I need this. I have served my time. I need this.

I'm in limbo. Suspended. I can't take her cards down. Five months on. The dining table is still littered with hospital paperwork, grief books, her memory box, footprints, handprints and all the other little tiny reminders we have she actually existed. I'm clinging on to it all as I can't move forward yet. I need a new pregnancy to help me do that. It is her time now and it will continue to be her time until there is proof that there is another little one in there. Then I guess I have to learn how to split their time. Like any mother of two does I guess, but just different. Oh so different.

I know I'm a scatterbrain today but is really probably just good old fashioned PMT.

I am really hating all the ironies of what has transpired in my life in the past five months. I was so worried about one or both of my grandparents dying before Hope arrived. They are both frail and I really wanted them to meet her. I never thought my baby would die before both of them.

I also worried early on in the pregnancy as I worried about having to return to my place of work. I had a really rough time at work in 2008 and was counting down the seconds until I reached 36 weeks so I could get the hell outta there. I guess I thought once Thursday 17 July 2008 finally rolled around, my last day, I was 100 per cent in the clear. I really did think it would be my worst nightmare if my baby died and I had to go back to work as I never had much of an intention to return. I was going to do this SAHM thing PROPERLY! Simon and I would scrimp and save to make it work. Mum would probably go part time to look after the baby if I had to go back for one or two days a week or fortnight. We were really going to make such a good go of this. Then bang, it happens. She dies. My nightmare does come true. I am now living out that life I was so terrified of 12 months ago. Thankfully though for now, my income protection insurance payments are good enough that I don't have to go back. But I guess I can't hide from the fact that someday, I will have to return to the paid workforce.

I have always hated computer games. But now (after another stupid credit card splurge) we have a Wii and today I have been playing the stupid thing at home alone. I have so much spare time, it is ridiculous. So I'm sitting at home playing a stupid computer game. So much spare time when I am supposed to have no spare time. So much time to do things for me when me was supposed to be coming second now. Time to cook nice meals, time to piss about on the computer all day. Time to sit outside for half an hour and stare at my tomato plants and do nothing. Time to think about exercising but never actually getting around to doing it (does the Wii count?) Just too much damn time.

I still can't stop thinking about my good friend's sister in law who was due the same day as me after a really complicated pregnancy who went on to have a healthy baby girl the same day I was sent home from hospital. That friend has invited me over to her place tomorrow, but there is no way I can go. I might have held newborns, played with two year olds, fed a one year old his dinner and generally been around a lot of babies since I lost Hope, but I don't even want to see a picture of this one. And it is her house, I can't ask her to take her pictures down. I know there will be pictures. I just can't do it. She understands and I told her my reasons. But these are really good friends. I have known her and her husband for years. I went right through school with her husband, he's one of my closest friends. In a few months, he'll be 30. There is no way I can go to that party, or any other party they ever have. I can never see his sister and that baby girl. Ever.

And while I'm on 30ths, Simon turns 30 on Saturday. We are having a few people here. Only the handful of friends we've seen since we lost Hope. And I feel bad, as most of them are my friends. It is his birthday and I can't even let him invite a few people here as I'm still too broken to see people.

People keep telling us it will be fun and they are looking forward to it. We're not! Simon should be waking up to a cuddle from a chubby five month old for his birthday! It is another big day to get through without her. Another day where we will try to distract ourselves by having family and friends here to fill in the silent holes in our lonely little house.

Seriously, I have no idea what this post is about. I don't know what my point was or where this was going. I've had it open all day and I can't settle on a rational thought pattern. I don't even know where this blog is going anymore as most of the time, I just ramble on and on about the same stuff. Over and over again. I can't believe anyone even reads here anymore. It is so sad and depressing.

Either way, I might have to take a break for a little while. I just don't know if I can share more disappointment this month but if there is a glimmer of hope in the way of a positive result, I'm not sure I will be ready to share that either. I feel I have really backed myself in to a corner here.

I'll come back when I feel strong enough to share whatever the outcome is. I just don't know when that will be.

Oh please don't be PMT. Please.