A story

At the doctors today, getting a check up, dodging the offer of antidepressants (again), having more blood work done and getting some more insurance forms filled out, I had an interesting conversation.

The nurse drawing my blood decided to make some small chit chat with me. She said "ok so I see you're here to check out your hormone levels".

Me: "yup".

Her: "are you currently pregnant?"

Me: "no."

Her: "oh I guess that's a relief then!"

Me: "No, actually I'm trying to be."

Her: "oh I'm so very sorry."

Me: "that's ok."

So she pauses, then fusses around for a bit getting her needles and bits and pieces together. Obviously feeling very bad for her sloppy comment, that in most cases would be completely harmless.

"So do you have any other children?"

Me: "well yes, no, but yes....." (and you know how the rest of my answer goes).

Her: "oh my goodness, I'm so very sorry. How do you ever get over something like that?"

Me: "YOU DON'T", was my quick reply.

Her (looking sheepish and apologetic at this stage): "oh of course, I'm sorry, that was the wrong thing to say".

Me: "that's ok".

She pauses a while longer then stops to catch her breath. She said "I think I'm going to take the rest of the day to process all of this". Me thinking, yeah well I have the rest of my life to process it.

Then she told me a story.

She must have been late 50s, early 60s and she told me she had two kids in her late 20s and that they were wonderful, lovely, the loves of her life (as she also told me about her very bitter divorce!) But she said when she was 19, she fell pregnant out of wedlock, which back then was, to quote her, "the worst thing ever". She gave birth to a little boy and saw him briefly before he was given up for adoption.

She has never seen him since, but said she would very much like to see him again some day.

After all this happened, she worried that the worst thing that could ever happen to her was that she would never have any more children, so she said she always felt so blessed that she got two more babies to keep and take home with her after she married.

I asked if she talked about him and included him in her head count when she spoke of her children. She said "yes, all the time!" She said her other children also knew about him.

"I think of him on every birthday and every Mother's Day, and I can always remember exactly how old he is" she said. "Of course you do," I said.

But she said to me, "I know I will see him again one day, but you will never see your daughter again."

And I just let out a big sigh. The worst thing in her life was having to give her son up for adoption knowing that one day she may see him again. Whereas for me, I had to let her go knowing full well that I would never, ever lay eyes on her again.

She asked about what happened, and how and when. And she was pretty quick to say "well I hope you wont be going back to that hospital!" And seemed so horrified to learn I had lost her before I gave birth. "So you knew before?" she gently asked.

"Yes, we found out the day before, and I gave birth the next day. I was five days past my due date."

She said, the colour now draining from her face: "how do you get up each morning?"

"I don't know," I said, "I don't know".

The conversation continued. She asked if I had all of my ultrasound photos to remember her by and I said yes, but then I pulled out my mobile phone and showed her the picture on my screensaver and she gushed and gasped for air.

"Oh she's such a beautiful baby," tears welling in her eyes.

"Did you give her a name?"

"Yes, Hope," I said. Then she looked down at my necklace and said "oh, of course".

She said "well that's just a lovely story." I said "well it's not lovely" and she said "well, no, but thank you so much for sharing it with me. I said "that's ok, I like being given the opportunity to talk about her. Thanks for listening."

She told me she would very much look forward to the day when I walked back in to the clinic pregnant. She said she would always keep an eye out for me as she would love to hear of any happy news I had to share.

It is funny how many stories like this I've heard since this all happened. Things that happened in a bygone era when times were different and when having a baby at 19 out of wedlock was "the worst thing ever". Nowadays, she'd have that baby. Her son. Hearing about older women who lost babies like me but they never got to see them, hold them, kiss them or even bury them. That these small precious babies were whisked away and best forgotten about.

There are just so many women out there who have experienced something very similar to what I have. I had no idea about quite a few of them. I have learnt so many deep and dark secrets in these last five months. Women who have always been in my life, but I had no idea they'd walked in my shoes. This woman's story was obviously very different to mine, but her son was still her first born and she never got to raise him.