It is hard being so misunderstood in this new life.
To find yourself in a world where no one understands your pain, but you don't want people to understand your pain. But then sometimes you do, because you just want to feel normal. But then you block out those thoughts because that's crazy making. That would mean you want you friends to join this club, and of course you never, ever want that. Not in a bazillion years.
I guess the people who really understand me now are people who tragically find themselves in this awful club. You all make me feel normal. And I thank you for it.
Those around me in real life, just don't get it. Even if I tried really hard to articulate my pain, they will just (hopefully) never get it.
There have only been a few people in our lives these last five months who have said nothing. Most have said something. Even if they haven't said something for a very long time, they have said something. Saying something is always better than saying nothing.
But those who have said something, often accidentally say the wrong thing.
Many people keep saying to me "but they don't know what to say" or "their intentions are only good" or "they meant well" or "they had your best interests at heart". And this I know. I know full well.
But that does not mean those words, laced with the kindest of intentions, don't sometimes hurt me.
When all this happened, exactly five months ago to the day, I swallowed a big fat honesty pill.
I hear so many people say they hide their real feelings to make others feel more comfortable. They respond "good thanks" when asked how they are, even though that is so far from the truth. But me, I was (for better or worse) not built like that. I can't sugar coat things and I will not lie. If someone says something to upset me, I will let them know.
Sadly sometimes in the process, this upsets others. This is never my intention, but it just comes with the territory these days.
Talking to me these days is not easy work. There are no winners. Either I'm going to upset somebody with my brutal and honest words or they are going to upset me with a clumsy comment even though there was no harm intended.
It is a delicate, fragile balance, and I'm still trying to figure it out, and so are many of my friends.
It is not easy for me and it is not easy for them. This I know. And I'm sorry for it. I wish I never had to be in this awful situation.
But the bottom line here is, even though I have been a bit of an arsehole, I sort of have (at least for the time being) a free pass to be.
My baby died.
My baby died.
My baby died.
I don't need to keep going over the tragic senseless circumstances, everyone who visits here is well aware of that now. I'm not supposed to be here. She is supposed to be here.
I read Julia's blog the other day who had her subsequent babe after loss just a few days before I had Hope (the same day I was sent home from hospital). She said her baby was laughing. Laughing! Fuck! Hope would be laughing? That's crazy shit. I mean laughing? I can't believe it. She'd also probably be getting ready to eat solid foods and she'd probably be rolling over by now. We'd be dressing her in cute, cotton summer dresses. And she'd be laughing!
It is hard to live in a world where you not only got nothing instead of everything, where you cradle a stuffed toy in your arms instead of a baby, but where you are so isolated and so misunderstood.
It is such a lonely and sad place. And I'm tired of it.
Wild Garden Questions
23 hours ago
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Everything you said, I second. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of hearing "sometimes it's for the best", "God always has a plan", blah blah blah. What about my plans? It is a sad place, but with people like you, I don't feel so lonely.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. That "I'm not supposed to be here, dammit!" feeling is overwhelming sometimes. It's just so wrong. Wish we could all join hands and march out of here together.
ReplyDeleteYes. I try really hard to not think about what Gabe would be doing. It's just easier that way.
ReplyDeleteI hear and feel everything you ust wrote. Although I know I cannot complain. I have to girls with me hear.
ReplyDeleteBut I will still be thinking on Monday week that if Christian was here he would be able to blow out his candles on his birthday cake for the first time... I guess his sisters will do that for him.
Love to you Sally, praying for Christian's birthday to be your day too :)
Oh yes Sally, I hear you too and I'm tired of it too.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping for good news for you soon.
You're welcome to use my line if people ask: "Awful, but functioning." I did so many times I just went ahead and used it for my blog.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere on GITW is a post I wrote about something I read in a book re: the rule of thirds: A third of your friends will be helpful, supportive, understanding. A third will be neither helpful or hurtful. And a third will be downright hurtful and unhelpful in your journey through grief.
I found this to be eerily true with some caveats: family is included. Much of the hurtful stuff didn't rear its head until 6 months. And I found I needed the middle third as much as the first third -- sometimes I just need to talk football or cooking. In a way, those people helped too.
I'm just so sorry. Missing her with you.
It's really hard Sally. Tash is right. The sad thing is that you will get kind of used to the fact that most people are inept at dealing with this and then you will be grateful if they even acknowledge your at all. It's still so fresh for you, and it's only natural that you are angry. I still go through my waves of anger. But at this point, I have become a little more forgiving of people, but it certainly has taken me a long time to get to this place.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you don't sugarcoat it though. Telling people how you feel is helping you heal, whether you feel it or not. Keep telling people how hard it is all you want.
I'm not sure why but google has decided that I need to post comments from another email address. That was me above... bebou.
ReplyDeleteI am struggling so much with this too, the friends that have fallen away, the friends that are still vaguely around yet thoroughly unhelpful. Losing Ezra has made me realize that I have very very few people I can truly depend upon in my life. And they aren't even the people I would have expected. My world has shrunk in ways I never could have imagined. And yet then again, it's expanded in other ways, to the shores of Australia, to England, Canada, far-flung parts of the U.S. I'm just so disappointed in so many people I considered friends, apparently when the going gets tough, they run to the hills... Hugs to you Sally.
ReplyDeleteAt some point, I found myself trying not to listen to people's words but to hear instead their intent. I didn't do this to let them off the hook or because I needed to make things OK for them, but because it was less hurtful and more helpful to me that way. I found I could deal with more, though not all, of what people said that way.
ReplyDeleteEarly on, when people asked how I was, I did fall back on the reflexive OK, but I really meant that in the context of the hell I was in, I was doing OK, though Tash says it much better with "awful but functioning."
Thinking of you--you are not alone.
Sally - You do have a free pass, for sure. And - I'm also sure that noone is interpreting your words or actions that way.
ReplyDeleteThis is your time. Should be your, Simon's and Hope's - but it definately is not "theirs".
xoxo
It is absolutely isolating. I stayed away from friends, still do to some extent, to save myself from the assinine things they think might be comforting. I find it hard living in a world where I'm just so different, that is just so different than me...and yet, it is the exact same place I've always lived, I am the same person save this one, wretched incident. But I'll never really be the same.
ReplyDeleteXO, Sally.
Thinking of you and sending love, Sally.
ReplyDeleteYou do what feels right to you, even iothers don't get it. Too bad for them, they haven't walked in your shoes (there's a poem about that on my blog in the early days) and so they cannot judge you. And I hate saying this but it does get better with time. The wounds heal over a bit and every wrong word that someone utters doesn't feel like salt or acid being poured into them. Or maybe we just get better at tuning it out...
ReplyDeleteIt's still so new, Sally, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be missing her. It will always be ok it just doesn't feel ok becasue we weren't meant to have to learn how to live without our children.
Thnking of you.
xxoo
I am so sorry to hear Hope was born with baby wings.Thank you for sharing your Angel Hope with me. I feel very preveledged to be able to read your thoughts. I am trying to learn so much about angels. I am sending you hugs and love to your precious angel Hope.oxoxDana
ReplyDeleteOh Sally... I too hate this new life we are supposed to lead. To me, Its not a "life" anymore, its a routine we lead.
ReplyDeleteSophias Mommy