I might be lying a bit when I say I'm taking great care of myself as I head (hopefully) towards a new pregnancy.
I can't stop eating.
I have always been a lover of food, and I've never been a small girl, but lately, I just Can't. Stop. Eating.
Nachos. Chocolate milkshakes. Pancakes. Home made tiramisu that we made out of complete boredom. No napppies to change? No worries. We'll just cook. And eat.
I only put on nine kilos with Hope, and the day after I had her, all nine kilos were gone. A week later, another couple of kilos had melted off me with the grief and stress. Now, I'm back up close to the weight I was when I was pregnant and carrying around an 8 pound baby, a rather large placenta and all the extra fluid that comes with a full term pregnancy.
It has to stop.
The eating has become just one of the many stupid things I seem to do these days. Like yesterday, going to see Marley and Me at the movies. And I knew what happened! I wont spoil it for those who have no idea, but let me just say that *most of you* may find parts of it quite upsetting.
Ugh, why did I do that to myself? Normally I don't even like schmultzy and sappy movies like that. But it killed time and gave me something to do for a couple of hours.
Not that this next thing will be stupid, but it is going to be extremely hard, and I'm gearing up to do it within the next week or so. And that's visit my best friend in hospital with her new baby. She was exactly 20 weeks behind me. I can't believe my Hope has been gone for 20 weeks. I can't believe this time has finally come. I knew soon after I lost Hope that this time was going to be incredibly tough for me. I was banking on a new pregnancy by now, but that just didn't really work out as planned.
She was at the hospital with me the day Hope died and was there the entire next day as I laboured and gave birth to her. The least I can do is go and visit when her baby arrives.
She's now two days past her due date, the same stage of pregnancy I was battling through the early stages of my labour at home, one day after being sent home. I can't help but think back to that time for me and how excited I was. How happy I was. Scared and nervous yes, I mean I was about to give birth for the first time, but I was so relieved to be at the finish line and about to meet my lovely baby.
I know my friend reads here and I need her to know I love her. I know how impossible our situation has become in recent months but it is what it is, and we just need to get through it. I know my raw and honest emotion upsets her, but it just cannot be helped. I will not lie. I will not hide my feelings. I will not sugar coat things. This is what it is. My baby died. Hers will live, her second baby. This is impossibly hard.
I'm sad. Angry. And jealous. That's not going to change any time soon. I want nothing more than to hear that her baby has arrived safe and sound. And I want to visit and you know, I think I even want to hold the baby. And it is at the same hospital I had Hope.
But it is going to be so hard for me. Some might say stupid, but I think not. People are saying I should not put pressure on myself to go, but as I see it, I don't have a choice.
I have to face these demons head on. She's pregnant. Soon there will be a baby. I can't hide forever and I don't want to look back in 10 or 20 years and feel any regret that I didn't bask in the joy of her second baby, just as I did for her first.
I don't really do New Year resolutions, but something has to change at the moment. I'm not doing myself and my body any favours here. I need to take care of me. Physically and emotionally. So for now, no more unecessary stuffing my face with crap food and no more watching of crap tear-jerking movies that just make me feel even more miserable.
Enough of the stupid stuff.
Wild Garden Questions
23 hours ago
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yeah I'm hopping on that wagon with you Sally. I've been easy on myself up until now with the whole resting and comfort eating stuff but that's got to stop now. My body is a temple yada yada yada... Lol.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about being honest and open with how I really am. I can't do a poker face anymore and I don't want to. Yes, it's confronting to some but tough.
I understand about having to go and see your friend and their baby. I felt the same way when my sister gave birth, except she was at a different hospital. Of course it didn't help that the nurse looking after her was also a nurse that took care of Jordan at Monash so in the end it was just like going to that one anyway. What are the odds hey?
You'll feel proud of yourself for doing it.
So yeah, no more stupid stuff.
Tell me about it. For weeks after I came home from the hospital I basically inhaled everything in sight. I didn't feel any better, and all it got me was that I again didn't fit into the jeans that I outgrew when I was pregnant. All weight gain, no baby.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think that going to see your friend is both a beautiful gesture and one that will help you, in the long run, stay on good terms with yourself. I am more than willing to shut most people out these days and cut them off all together for their bad behavior. But there are some people who I am forcing myself to be around for, even to welcome their babies, because I love them and I know I'll regret it later if I don't have their friendship. Tough as hell, but part of rebuilding a life that has meaning. Because at this point, what means anything at all besides the love you have for the people around you and they for you?
Hugs and strength to you.
I think you friends understands. Not completely but she is a beautiful friend and she was there on Hope's special day.
ReplyDeleteI think going to see her in hospital will be very hard, I won't sugarcoat that but I think you have to push yourself that little bit, you are not just doing it for your friend but you are doing for yourself, for hope and for this new precious little baby. I know Hopey will take especially good care of him or her.
I wish you strength in these coming days and I wish your friend a healthy baby.
Always sending you love dear friend
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P.S I know you feel you need to eat better, but you need to have some sweetness in your life at the moment Sally, even if it is just cake :)
ReplyDeleteI've been inhaling food for months now, too. The trip to the hospital sounds oh-so-difficult, and I think you are a tremendously brave and good friend for planning to celebrate with your friend while you're in such pain. I hope there's a lot of sweet in with the bitter there.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
The first trip back to "The Hospital" to visit a friends baby after losing your own IS incredibly hard. My wife and I did it. Now looking back, very glad we did, but at the time, yes very hard. Not quite sure how we did it, but we did :) Thankfully we didn't run into any of the delivery unit nurses. Eeep!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the eating - I think I am back up to my max preggo weight too.
ReplyDeleteSometimes eating is the only thing that makes me feel better, or full. I feel so empty sometimes...
you can do what you need to
I think going to see your friend will be hard, and you'll cry, but it will also help you to see your own strength.
as hard as it is you really are doing the right thing. You need to be there for your friend, because BOTH of you need it. As hard and hellish as it may be, it will start heading you down the path you want to be on. Just hang on, it isn't an easy road. I hurt for you.
ReplyDelete