Working it out

I went back to the gym today. First time in a loooooooooooong time!

Exercise was one of the first things to go in my life when I got pregnant. There was still yoga and walking but anything that made me puff and raise a sweat was gone. I was building a baby and I had to take it easy! Any excuse to put my feet up really, and to put the little one first.

The nine kilos I put on when I was pregnant with Hope melted off in the weeks after the birth through sheer shock, grief and stress. But in the last few months, after extreme eating and inactivity, it has ALL piled back on, with interest.

So I am cheekily calling this "baby weight" even though after I had the baby, the weight was gone. And I'd totally be putting up with this baby weight if the baby was here, but she's not, so the kilos have got to go.

And like Aliza said to me recently in an email, it is all too ironic to think the weight would have melted off while I lovingly breastfed Hope. All the mums I know say how great breastfeeding is for that. Yeah, I'm sure it is....

Turns out going to the gym in the middle of the day has its advantages. There was no one there and I had the place almost too myself. To my surprise, I found my workout program in the drawer there from 2006! I remembered how to use all of the equipment so I picked up from where I left off. Just with a few extra kilos under my belt, a broken heart and no way near the tone and flexibility I used to have. Not that I had much to start with, but I can promise it was better than this. Pregnancy, childbirth and one dead child has completely broken me and I'm not half the person I used to be. My 29 year old body feels so broken.

I guess I have to totally rebuild myself from the ground up.

So that's the physical side of things. Now that I have broken the ice the theory goes that it should be easy to go again. And again and again and again. And we also got a Wii Fit to go with the Wii and damn, that is hard. So in all that spare time I have now, I'm going to be working out to take care of me. It can only help me in the baby making stakes. And to make me feel better about myself.

And on the emotional rebuild, the trip to Hawaii is officially booked. The flights were the same price as flying to the other side of Australia to visit my siblings last year, so we got lucky! We just have to book some accommodation and we're set. We'll be there two weeks so there is plenty of time to look around, shop, explore, sunbake, swim, surf, island hop and relax. And to rebuild myself, just a little bit more. For the first time in five months, I have something to look forward to. And despite the fact it is eating me up inside that I should NOT be able to take a holiday like this, because I SHOULD be looking after a five month old, I am 100 per cent looking forward to it. In fact, I almost wish I didn't have to come back. I know the grief I pack will take up much of my suitcase, but I'd rather be miserable in Hawaii than miserable here on my couch.

Given we are not taking any breaks from "trying" we will be finding out again if we are pregnant in Hawaii, quite early on in the trip. So I could be coming home with an extra person on board. But I'm trying (really, really hard) to not make too much of that, as fairy tales clearly do not come true for me. My life used to be somewhat of a fairytale, now it resembles more of a horror story. Just to be sure though, I'll pack a pregnancy test and tampons as well.

What will be will be.